heh heh heh

[1IDVET]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The
priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with
his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the
priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for
about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[sfc_darrel]

This is good, really really good - watch out for that beer!
http://home.attbi.com/~no-spam/Beer.swf

[SEATJERKER]

... time to turn on your speakers, and crank up the volume, and you allll know the words so sing along, and have a good morning...

go to...

http://www.poofcat.com/iraq2.html

...

[philly]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the
side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to
go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is
a hot break- fast and the morning newspaper. His son
is also at the table eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,
drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in
order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting
for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[sfc_darrel]

Little fly

A happy little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure.

Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.


She ate. And ate...and then .. like all females, she ate some more!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.

She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.

But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.

Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor!



Dead Fly....



The moral of this sad story?





Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

[sfc_darrel]

What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 min.

[nang]

Life isn't fair :ab:

[David]

In a small town near Washington, DC, a barber opened his shop for business. A young enlisted Marine comes in to get a "high and tight". The barber asked the young Marine about his service, and a lot of small talk takes place. After the haircut is complete, the Marine opens his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house Marine. Thanks for your service to this great nation." The next morning as the barber goes to open his shop, there is a box on his doorstep. In the box was a note of thanks and a "SEMPER FI" bright red T-shirt.

That same morning a young Army G.I. comes in for a haircut. The same sort of story happens. They talk about the Army and other small talk. After the haircut is complete, the G.I. stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country." The next morning as the man is opening his barbershop, on the doorstep is a box with an Army ball cap and a thank you note.

That same day, a Navy Chief comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen...small talk about the service. When the Chief goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, Chief, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to this great nation." You guessed it, the next morning, as the barber went to open his shop, there on his doorstep ... were three more Chiefs!

[David]

By the time the Chief pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - a Marine Gunny," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Chief assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the Chief came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Chief.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Chief explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[David]

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."

[David]

An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

[David]

A Mustang (Officer-former enlisted), retired after 35 years and realized a lifelong dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in Alaska. He invited an old Admiral friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the Mustang's new gun dog, "Chief". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best.

The Admiral offered to buy the dog at any price. The Mustang declined, saying that Chief was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he couldn't part with him. Six months later the same Admiral returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the Mustang breaking in a new dog.

"What happened to Chief?" he asked. "Had to shoot him," the Mustang replied. "Another old shipmate came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him 'Master Chief' ...after that, all the dog would do was sit on his butt and bark."

[David]

1. A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

2. A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."

3. A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."

4. A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

[MORTARDUDE]

David :

Good stuff !! Thanks !! I needed a laugh !!

Larry

[David]

Why it is so important to speak and read english

[reeb]

I will bet that " Preparation H " tasted better than the shit we had to brush our teeth with arriving and departing Nam.

enough.....

[Arrow]

uh oh posted in wrong spot

Arrow>>>>>>

[STYCK]

An applicant to the Bloomfield, New Jersey’s Sheriff’s Office was being interviewed for the job.

The Deputy doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:

“Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six crack heads,
and a rabbit. “

“Why the rabbit?”

“Great attitude,” says the Deputy. “When can you start?”

[namvet]

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/11359.png

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/11360.png

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/11361.png

[STYCK]

Who will help me Plant My Wheat?

asked the Little Red Hen

'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.

'Not I,' said the goose.


'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

'Not I,' said the duck..

'Out of my classification,' said the pig.

'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.


At last it came time to bake the bread.


'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.


'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.


'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.


She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share.

But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'


'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)


And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and
around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.


Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You
must not be so greedy.'

'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.

'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free
enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as
much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the
productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with
those who are lazy and idle.'


And they all lived happily ever after, including the
little red hen, who smiled and clucked,
'I am grateful, for now Itruly understand.'


But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never
again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread
free.
And all the Democrats smiled.
'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one
cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.


EPILOGUE


Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight
years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT ?http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/11376.png

[namvet]

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/11394.png

[STYCK]

Did you hear the one about the old Marine veteran who asked the
Commandant to return him to active duty and send him to Iraq?

Of course the Commandant refused, and told the old Marine he had served
his time in combat and should relax and enjoy his golden years.

The 'ole Gunny wasn't at all pleased, so he wrote the Secretary of the
Navy with the same request. Back came the reply for him to enjoy his
golden years, because Iraq was a young Marine's war and there was no
place for him.

That really ticked him off, so he wrote his congressman a long,
heart-wrenching letter explaining in great detail just why he felt he
should be returned to active duty.

Back came the reply almost word for word, the same as the SecNav
response.......

The 'ole Gunny was livid. He went down to the beach in Norfolk, VA and
bought a rowboat, and vowing to get to Iraq one way or the other, he set
out rowing his boat and singing the Marine Hymn...." From the Halls of
Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli " ........... and off he rowed for
Iraq.

Saint Peter had been watching this grizzled 'ole Gunny all the while,
and was at first amused by it all but had grown increasingly concerned
as the Gunny displayed his commitment to his objective. Saint Peter
finally turned to God for advice on how to deal with this Gung Ho Gunny.

After hearing the saga unfold, God advised Saint Peter to be merciful
and take the Gunny's brain, since that was the center of thought, and he
would simply abandon the idea about getting to Iraq.

Now, having taken God's advice and removing the Gunny's brain, St.
Peter
observed little if any change in the Gunny's behavior. He continued to
row his boat and sing at the top of his voice: "From the Halls of
Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli , we will ".......

A little frustrated at the lack of results of his efforts, St. Peter
turned again to his God and asked, "Now what?"

God said, "Well OK, take his heart, because not even a Marine can
function without a heart. So, that should end it."

But when St. Peter had completed his task, and removed the Gunny's
heart, he was again amazed that little if any change could be observed
in the Gunny's behavior as he continued to row his boat and sing:
"From
the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, we will fight our
country's battles...."
at-the-top-of-his-voice.

Once again, St. Peter asked God for assistance with this unusual
situation for which there seemed to be no solution.

This time God responded by suggesting that St. Peter should remove the
Marine's testicles, since it's a well known fact that Marines can't
function without their testicles. Otherwise, what would be the reason
for Marines having the worldwide reputation of having the balls to do
the impossible?

Convinced this was the answer, St. Peter went to work and removed the
'ole Gunny's balls.

Again, St. Peter observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains
and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle singing:

"Off we go into the wild blue yonder...."

[STYCK]

Subject: Security
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private
investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was
the
beginning
of the Secret Service.

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large
number of
multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service."
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women
in their
black
outfits with their initials in large white letters across their
backs:

"FATASS."

I feel safer already.

[STYCK]

Dear Abby,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really
need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my

wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although
when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from

work, you don't know them.' I try to stay awake and look out for

her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I

have never broached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last

night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I

could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home

from a night out with 'the girls'.

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse,

which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and

slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I

noticed a hairline crack where the head meets the graphite shaft

on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
pro-shop where I bought it?

[STYCK]

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:


NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2.Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

Number 1 And MY all time Favorite:best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

(Raising your head slowly) '...in Jesus' name, Amen

[STYCK]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching.
So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job..one was gay the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it,and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy.
She figured it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching.
For weeks the,the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day,the ranchers widow said to the hired hand...
"You have done a really good good job and the ranch looks great.You
should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand redily agreed and went to town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came however and he didn't return...
Two o'clock...and no hired hand
Finally....he returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room
he found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine.
Waiting for him...
She quietly called him over to her...

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off"...she said..
Trembling,he did as she directed...
"Now...take off my boots"..he did as she asked
everso slowly
"Now...take off my socks"..he removed each gently
and placed them neatly by her boots
"Now..take off my skirt"..he slowly unbuttoned it..
constantly watching her eyes in the firelight...
"Now..take off my bra"..again with trembling hands
he did as he was told...and dropped it to the floor...

Then she looked at him and said........

"IF YOU EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES INTO TOWN AGAIN....YOU'RE FIRED"

[darrels joy]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[STYCK]

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2>AARP Special Memo on our 'SENIOR DRESS CODE'

Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashion.

In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots.

12. Short shorts and varicose veins.

13. Inline skates and a walker..

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older folks..

14. Thongs and Depends.
</TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2> </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[STYCK]

Two US MARINES were listening to the radio in IRAQ...

"American soldiers",coos a soft female voice,"Your so-called national leaders
have lied to you.You are risking your lives to wage a usless,unjust,illegal,and
unwinnable war.Now is the time to return home to your loved ones,while you
are still alive.If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted,the
brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name
to the long,ever increasing casualty list of this insane war.
So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so called president who
has repeatedly lied and decieved you at every opportunity.
Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fat profits.
The only wise thing to do is return home now,while your still drawing breath,
before you return zippered in a body bag."

"What the hell is that" snerred one MARINE.."an Islamo-terrorist version of TOKYO ROSE?"

"No"..answers the other...."It's just CNN":D

[STYCK]

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcacheB/26768.png


Pelosium:

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
The symbol of Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.