heh heh heh [Archive] - The Patriot Files Forums

thedrifter

05-31-2002, 05:42 AM

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar; which was as clean and empty as on the previous
day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like
this-First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with
her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing.
We even
called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
hands,
then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open."

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

Sempers,

Roger

SgtBlake

05-31-2002, 06:32 AM

http://www.castlemountains.com/postcards/images//mayy31aa.gif

thedrifter

05-31-2002, 10:32 AM

Gary I do believe you like Fridays......LMAO.....
Well I do to....That's when I am not on call.......;) :D

One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when
they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the
lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came
out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have
been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one
wish".
Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I
want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want
to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf
and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a
beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be
discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach
with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind
Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring
the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two
clowns back at the shop after chow".

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-01-2002, 07:05 AM

This is a true story

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, " I
have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat
shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it
dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
the car and then drove to the police station. The
sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the
counter where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS!

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-02-2002, 07:10 AM

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a
bit more clear . .

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for
yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

So............... why is it again that we work ?

Remember folks, this is just a joke don't try this at home!
If you are at work, forward at your own risk.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-03-2002, 12:25 PM

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-04-2002, 03:36 PM

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting
many. He then discovered the problem: a 10-year old boy was standing
up
the
road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
officer
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
"TIPS"
and a
bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade).

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated
radar zone. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
the
police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed
photo of handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you
are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. " He
replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while
she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his
book,
got back on his motorcycle and left.

Sempers,

Roger

Shortdawg

06-04-2002, 07:00 PM

George Carlin's I'm a BAD American:

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the
Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a fool.

I 'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
:D ;) :cool:

thedrifter

06-06-2002, 11:06 AM

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
newsletter
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This
is
a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following
details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of
the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story
building.
when I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
than
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will
note
in Block
11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward
at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed
only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this
time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
the
rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the
same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side
of
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope
this answers your inquiry.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-07-2002, 05:40 AM

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in
value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Problem Person.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now
THAT'S a
message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want
to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving
me
lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've
stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on
the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss
America?

SgtBlake

06-07-2002, 11:49 AM

http://www.boundupdesigns.com/cgi-bin/ikonboard/topic.cgi?forum=15&topic=15

Thanks Jim

thedrifter

06-08-2002, 08:05 AM

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-12-2002, 04:42 AM

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs
50
dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Morris and Esther
went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I
don't
ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks,
I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can
stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge
you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did
all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed,
the
pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell
out,
but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Sempers,

Roger

SuperScout

06-12-2002, 07:41 AM

Afta workin' on dat off-show oil well, Boudreaux paddled his pirouge back to his house on de bayou. Standin' in de front yard was Marie, his woman, hands on her hips, maddern hell. "Boudreaux, you know dat bad-ass alligator? He come up from de swamp, grab one of our chillen, drag him off an ate him!" "Now, don't you worry, honey, we gonna make us 'nuther baby!" So de do.
Now dis same scene done played itself several times over, each time ol' Boudreaux making de same promise to Marie. Afta de fourth time he come home, and was greeted by de same complaint, he tole Marie, "Now lissen woman, if you think ah'm gonna go work my ass off all day, then come home a screw all night just to feed dat alligator, you craziern hell!"

David

06-12-2002, 03:49 PM

Found this over at the 3rdmarine.net site :)

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his Father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian Saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.

Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate Americans anymore."

His Father looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most compassionate thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out of hiding, the Marines will blow the shit out of him."

Semper Fidelis,, LBJ

thedrifter

06-13-2002, 10:00 AM

~ ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
~ HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. ~ BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
~ MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
~HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
~ OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
~ ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
~ MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
~ IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
~ HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
~ "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

> > TRUE STORY.

thedrifter

06-14-2002, 05:14 AM

Mr. and Mrs. Braithwaite Backus,
Bald Buzzard Ridge
Mountainville,
RFD 2

Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats
working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe
all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant,
pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon,
when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches,"
which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is
not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to
our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back
in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the
school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother
you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmonk and
don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All
you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. you don't even load
your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son,
Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth.
The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Z.

Sempers,

Roger

SgtBlake

06-14-2002, 06:23 AM

Thanks Roger, that should get a few chuckles from our Army Brothers:D :D

http://www.castlemountains.com/postcards/images//june14a.gif

thedrifter

06-15-2002, 07:18 AM

Dave, a farmer in Kentucky, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident)
to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Dave.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer.

Dave responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
accident?"

Dave said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
was
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him
to
simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Dave's answer and said
to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
Bessie."

Dave thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in
terrible shape just by her groans.

"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After he looked
at her
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked
at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"

Sempers,

Roger

QuangTri-FO

06-15-2002, 11:00 AM

Hey Guys,
....FATHERS DAY is about here..... last Sep es OCT my son was in the Mid-east. He's been in a while...but this $th was going to be his first leave back to see ole dad... Now he will still get to come on the 4th... but will have to be back ...well they cut his leave to 4 days ....and he'll then be sent to__________
( a real nasty place....aaaah )
SO ....NOW I KNOW HOW MY FATHER FELT !
....but at least we surviver to become fathers ! ha ha ha
....SO HAPPY FATHERS DAY, THOSE THAT HAVE SONs and
DAUGHTERS in the Mil ....Tell them THANKS for me.
Carl tnrebelin@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/tnrebelin/DMZ-FO.html
.................................................. .................................................. .....

thedrifter

06-16-2002, 08:31 AM

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on
the back of the credit card. She informed me that she
could not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it
was necessary to compare the signature I had just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in
front of her. She carefully compared the signature to
the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he
didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in
your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would
I know?" He smiled knowingly and added, "That's why
we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with a coworker of mine when
she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who
was leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not
turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my EX-WIFE and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied,
"I know - I already got that side."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-16-2002, 01:44 PM

Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting "51 days."

After a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting 51 days. Why?"

The blondes stop chanting and look up.

"Well," says one of the blondes, "we just finished a puzzle."

"So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked.

"Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 51 days,"

Sempers,

Roger

SgtBlake

06-18-2002, 06:54 AM

http://www.debsfunpages.com/sillypics8/roadkill.gif

thedrifter

06-18-2002, 07:30 AM

Good One Gary......

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as
far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the
box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if
we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the
translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood
belief.)

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-19-2002, 05:14 AM

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity...A few statements to ponder... George Carlin
Quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still
wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be
able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still
#2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to
do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-24-2002, 05:06 AM

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15
lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is
****!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his
back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched
18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good ****!"

A Marine lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand,
after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching
25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This
really is great ****."

A Navy SEAL, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a
swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after
jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12
miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp,
then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp,
says, "I love this ****."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office,
and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"

Sempers,

Roger

____________

thedrifter

06-26-2002, 04:37 AM

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Who's clock is that? "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life. " "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-26-2002, 04:38 AM

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh
no,my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

06-27-2002, 04:36 AM

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: Sh!t!

Sempers

Roger

Sgt_Tropo

06-28-2002, 06:50 AM

Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.

This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.
:D :p ;) :D

Sgt_Tropo

06-28-2002, 06:51 AM

The things you learn at the movies...

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Have a great weekend !!

thedrifter

06-29-2002, 04:16 AM

As the sun rose over Parris Island, a senior Drill Instructor in 1st Battalion realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the MP's discovered the recruit hiding in the sawgrass out near Broad River. He was sent back to his platoon and promptly escorted to the Drill Instructor's duty hut.

"Why did you go AWOL?" asked the DI.

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that, SIR."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-02-2002, 04:49 AM

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of
money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He
replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on
the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called
him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very
strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will
explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home,
read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back
to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated
the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and
meatballs, two without

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-08-2002, 04:54 AM

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.

But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.

The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"

The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."

The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."

Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.

The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"

The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-12-2002, 05:20 AM

New soldiers walking along the street on pass noticed a car stuck in a mud-filled ditch. A dull sergeant, identifiable by his 'Smokey the Bear' hat, was attempting to free the vehicle by himself.
"Say, isn't that our drill instructor!" asked one of the group.
"Hey, it is," remarked another. "Think we should give him a hand."
"Naw," replied the first trainee. "If he really wants his car out of the ditch, he'll order it out."

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Buford will be setting the pace on our morning run.'
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Buford was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Buford will be driving a truck."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-13-2002, 07:36 AM

One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;

The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.

The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.

Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defences with suppressive fire & amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose.

But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

----------------------

Army Sergeant sitting in a bar. Turns to the guy next to him and says "Want to hear a Marine joke?" Guy next to him says "See that guy on the other side of you?" "He's 6'6", weighs 245". "The guy next to him is 6'7" and weighs 250." "I'm 6'5 and weigh 248, and we're all Marines." "Do you still want to tell your joke? The Army guy says, "Nah. I don't want to repeat it three times"

----------------------------------

Army grunt, loaded with weapon and ruck, standing in a pouring rain: THIS SUCKS!

Airborne, same situation: THIS SUCKS, BUT I LOVE IT!

Ranger, in even a worse downpour: SURE WISH IT WOULD SUCK EVEN MORE!

Army aviator, looking down from his helicopter: SURE LOOKS LIKE IT SUCKS DOWN THERE.

-------------------------------------

Plane calls tower and says what time is it? Tower says who are you? Pilot says why does that matter? Tower says well,

if you are in the airforce, it is 3 o'clock.

if you are in the navy, it is 6 bells

if you are in the army, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3

if you are in the marines, it is Thursday afternoon.

------------------------------

A retired Navy Chief and a retired Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant were sitting at the stag bar arguing about which had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Iwo Jima, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out two enemy machine gun positions with grenades. I was wounded and evacuated to the States where I spent 7 months in the hospital."

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea with Chesty Puller at the Chosin Reservoir. I made the long march to Hung Nam and later landed at Inchon. I spent two years in combat under constant enemy fire. I was wounded again and awarded a Bronze Star for saving my Company Commander."

"Finally, as a Gunnery Sergeant I had two back-to-back combat tours in Vietnam with the Infantry. I humped through the mud and razorgrass for up to 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, dodging sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. I was involved in more firefights than I can count where we fired until our ammunition was gone and then charged the enemy with bayonets. When I retired from the Corps I was awarded 80% disability by the Veterans Administration."

Looking straight ahead the old Chief said nothing. Then, after a deliberately long, slow drink, he retorted "It figures...all friggin' shore duty!"

-------------------------------

Combined nite excersizes in the field. Army & Air Force & MARINE sargeants sitting around the fire arguing which branch of service has the most guts.

Air Force sgt. yells to one of his: "Private, stick this bayonet into the palm of your hand". Private does it without a sound. AF sgt. says " that takes guts"

Army sgt. yells to one of his: "Private stick your hand in this fire for one minute" Private does it, without a sound. Army Sgt. says "that really takes guts !"

MARINE sgt. yells at one of his: "Private, stick your D$ck in this fire for 5 minutes". Private yells back "Get stuffed, Sarge !" MARINE Sgt. says "Gentlemen, THAT is guts "!

------------------------------

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh!t!"
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh!t!"
A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great sh!t."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh!t."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh!t is this?"

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/mp.jpg

thedrifter

07-15-2002, 07:03 AM

SKIRTING THE LAW
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "Two Prostitutes, $50." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "Jesus Saves." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So, they took their sign down and the next day there they were driving around town with a new sign which read, "Two Angels Seeking Peter, $50."

JUGGLER
One day, a highway patrolman pulled a car over for speeding. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling?if the driver would do a little juggling for him, the patrolman promised not to give him a ticket. The juggler told him he had sent all his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail. There's no way in the world that I can pass that test."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-16-2002, 06:55 AM

I want a job like this!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

With a little help from our friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

And what was plan "B"?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month was a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system".

And for the main course...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself brain surgery?
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I got a deal for you!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars!

Did I say that?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Wow, that smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-The-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Hello, are you listening?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Is that a gun in your pocket?
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-16-2002, 06:56 AM

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to
boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some
instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several
shots at the target. The report came from the target
area that all attempts had completely missed the
target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target.
He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target
again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle
barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he
yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just
fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-16-2002, 06:57 AM

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-17-2002, 05:49 AM

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-17-2002, 05:50 AM

An American Marine, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally
been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very
crowded, so the Marine walked the length of the train, looking for an
empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary
Marine asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the Marine, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't
you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The Marine walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?
I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not
only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The Marine didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her
and chastise the Marine.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know,
sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the
wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out
the window."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-18-2002, 05:14 AM

To all my friends who have to deal with increased airport
security.....

Subject: Security
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private
investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was
the
beginning
of the Secret Service.

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large
number of
multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service."
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women
in their
black
outfits with their initials in large white letters across their
backs:

"FATASS."

I feel safer already.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-18-2002, 05:15 AM

Dear Friends

I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is all about.
There was a great loss recently. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died this week at age 83.

It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket.

They put his left leg in and.....well, you know the rest.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-19-2002, 04:54 AM

President Clinton, his family, and Al Gore are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy".
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hilary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole Country very happy."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-19-2002, 04:55 AM

Jeff Gordon is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Gordo says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains The WonderBoy. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks The Rainbow Warrior, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Geoff Bodine, Jimmy Spencer and Jeff Gordon were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Gordon beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be a accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-23-2002, 05:12 AM

thedrifter

07-23-2002, 05:14 AM

The answer to the eternal question, "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at
an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he
made $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He
makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to
save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m.
on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common
person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant,
he'll pull in about $5600.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll
still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-25-2002, 06:03 AM

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-25-2002, 06:03 AM

* Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

* Pronounce all one syllable words with two.

* When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."

* Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

* When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

* Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

* Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

* Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

* Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

* Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)

* Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

* Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

* Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."

* Put Tabasco on everything.

* For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!" say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

* When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones.

* Name all of your children "Bubba."

* Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

* "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.

* Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.

* Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

* Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..

* Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."

* Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

* Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-30-2002, 05:43 AM

Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, and because you are still CLEVER, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET-PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH, and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you, and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-30-2002, 05:45 AM

Prize Patrol...............

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-30-2002, 05:46 AM

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

07-30-2002, 05:47 AM

Fathers........

Sempers,

Roger

SEATJERKER

07-30-2002, 09:41 AM

...You are one sick man, :D
... but I do enjoy the funnies,...

...thank you for posting them...

...Any word on Gary, and him being AWOL???

thedrifter

08-01-2002, 06:05 AM

SeatJerker.....only way to live.....LOL

Four people are riding in a small passenger car compartment on a long train ride cross country. On one seat, a young, beautiful lady sits next to her grandmother. Across from them, an Army general sits next to his young lieutenant.

The train enters a long, dark tunnel. Suddenly, in the darkness, there is the sound of a kiss followed by a slap! The train exits the tunnel and the four people in the passenger compartment look at each other. Without saying a word, each of them thinks they know what has just happened.

The young lady is surprised, but very happy that the young lieutenant waited for an appropriate moment to kiss her, but she can't understand why her grandmother slapped him.

The grandmother is shocked that the young lieutenant would try to kiss her granddaughter, but she is happy that her granddaughter slapped him.

The General was pleased that his young lieutenant had waited for an appropriate moment to kiss the young lady because he could see they liked each other. However, he couldn't understand why the grandmother had slapped him.

Meanwhile, the young lieutenant sat in his seat, feeling very good about himself. Not only had he found a way to kiss the pretty young lady sitting across from him, but he had also managed to slap his general at the same time!

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

08-01-2002, 06:05 AM

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."

Sempers,
Roger

thedrifter

08-01-2002, 06:08 AM

What a Clown........

thedrifter

08-01-2002, 06:11 AM

???????????

Marissa

08-01-2002, 10:59 AM

FROG
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking
down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string
behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill
repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to
answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside,
and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured why not,
so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he
liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases,
and of course the madam said no.
But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about
having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love
with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the
little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first
room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging
the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the
frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at
which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he
picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others.
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,
my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me
at home with a baby-sitter.
When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter,
who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then
she will get the disease that I just caught.
When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter
home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones,
and he'll catch the disease.
Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitter, he and mom
will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it.
In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will
deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with mom, and
he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my
FROG!!"

thedrifter

08-13-2002, 08:35 AM

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled that she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazel tov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you." said the daughter. "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy! Stupid! Idiot ... I said a RICH doctor!"

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

08-13-2002, 08:36 AM

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Neither does any dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

08-13-2002, 08:37 AM

A rather bookish young man goes into a *****house to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his thing rises to a full 12 inches.

So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed. "Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

08-13-2002, 08:38 AM

It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The Monkey agreed.

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man spoke up, "May I have your other ten years?" "Of course," said the Lion.

Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years, and he got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

08-13-2002, 08:39 AM

Car Phone

thedrifter

08-13-2002, 08:40 AM

What else is new....

Sgt_Tropo

08-15-2002, 12:47 PM

Sgt_Tropo

08-15-2002, 12:49 PM

A honest business advertisment. :e:

thedrifter

08-16-2002, 05:12 AM

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and daddy and . . ."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy . . ."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

thedrifter

08-16-2002, 07:53 AM

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel. The bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded, "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."

"My second husband was from Software Services: he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation."

"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."

"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach'."

"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."

"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."

"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it."

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . . God I miss him! So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious. You're a lawyer. I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"

thedrifter

08-16-2002, 07:53 AM

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl
catches up. She knocks
on
the door and the trucker lowers the window.

The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of you
load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops
for
another red light and the girl again catches up. She
knocks on the door
and
the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name
is Heather and
you
are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street.
The trucker stops
for
still another red light and the girl catches up again
all out of
breath. She
knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
Again she
says"Hi, my
name is Heather and you are losing some of you load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then
stops.....

The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the
blonde girl and says:
"Hi,
my name is Andy, we`re having a snow storm and I`m
driving a SALT
TRUCK!"

thedrifter

08-16-2002, 07:54 AM

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Sgt_Tropo

08-26-2002, 06:23 AM

Happy Monday! To start your week right...here is a "hard" quiz...

Schwartzenegger has a big one

Michael J. Fox has a small one

Madonna doesn't have one

The Pope has one but doesn't use his

Clinton uses his all the time

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one

George Burns' was hot

Liberace never used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?

Answer below! (this is really good)

Did you get it yet??? :r:

Don't give up! :s:

Think really hard... You can do it! :m:

The answer is:

"A Last Name." :u:

Hope you all have a fantastic week !

Sgt_Tropo

08-26-2002, 06:26 AM

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry,we have rules... " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said. The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're staff....."

Say, does this sound familiar or what. I think my recruiter must of been an HR rep in his previous life ! :f:

reconeil

08-26-2002, 07:24 PM

Once upon a time in The South, there was a young couple taking a short-cut through the back roads to The Airport, since running late for a flight.

During such, the woman sez to the man: "Honey, please stop the car". "I really have to go bad". At which, the man looking at his watch sez: "Sorry Babe". "But, no-can-do, since we'll miss the flight".

A short while goes by, and the woman pleads: "P-u-u-leeze stop the car Honey,...or I'm gonna sh!t in my pants"!

So, and the man again looking at his watch comes-up with a great solution. He sez to her: "We're out here in the middle of nowhere, so just roll down the window, stick your ass out,...and let-er-rip". "Whose to see"?

Regardless, and up ahead on this very same road, Zeke and Zeb are walking along. And wouldn't-chuh-know when this big black car comes whizzen-by,...SPULAT right across Zeke's chest.

Zeb looks at Zeke and sez: "What-the-hell-kinda chawin-tabachy was that"? To which Zeke answers: "To hell with the chawin-Tabacky".............

"DID YOU SEE THE JAWS ON THAT BASTARD"!!!!!!!!

Neil

Sgt_Tropo

08-29-2002, 11:22 AM

A married couple returned home one evening after a night out for dinner and dancing, to find an armed burgler in their home. The burgler held them at gun point and stated that since they had seen his face, he was going to have to kill them. However, he also told them he never shot anybody without knowing their names. He asked the wife first and she replied that her name was Elizabeth.
"Damn", said the burgler, "My mother's name was Elizabeth. I can't shoot you now."
so he turned to the husband and asked his name.
"Stanley", the man replied, "but my close friends all call me Elizabeth." :D :u:

Hoyin

08-29-2002, 12:25 PM

( Especially for Keith)

New Pastor

A new pastor came to town and was canvassing the neighborhood. All went
well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home,
but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and
stuck it in the door.

The next day after service, as he was counting the offering he found
his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation
"Genesis 3:10."

Upon opening his Bible to the passage, his face turned red, and he let
out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any
man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will
dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and
I was afraid, because I was naked."

Keith_Hixson

09-04-2002, 08:49 AM

Hoyin, you truly are a PK. Keith

Was Basic all that hard?

Dear Ma and Pa,

Am well, hope you are. Tell them there Brothers of mine Walt and Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM, but am getting so I like to sleep in late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things like boots and brass - - - - No hogs to slop, no feed to pitch, no cows to milk, no mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing to do before breakfast. You got to shave, but that isn't too bad in warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between them there city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours will hold you til noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the SGT says are long walks to toughen us up. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mail box at home. Then them city boys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The SGT is like a schoolteacher. He nags some, but cusses a lot more and seems angry most of the time but isn't anything like Old Man Minch. The CAPT. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
The next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's eye is near as big as a squirrel's head and it don't move. And it ain't shoot back at you, like the O'Reilley boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't eve load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure tell Walt and Elmer to hurry up and join before other fellows get onto this set-up and come stampeding in.

Your Loving Son,

Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's new teeth.
The City boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Zeb

sfc_darrel

09-04-2002, 12:44 PM

At least things are not this bad for me.

Joy

thedrifter

09-13-2002, 06:11 AM

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." replied his friend.

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg; then she rolls over and plays dead."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women were chatting when one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"

Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

thedrifter

09-13-2002, 06:11 AM

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a whole lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT: what the endearing little qualities that initially attract people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

thedrifter

09-13-2002, 06:12 AM

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. The husband asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"

"I'm sorry my dear, your name never came up," replied the wife.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh dear," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised; you've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years."

thedrifter

09-13-2002, 06:13 AM

A young couple was on their honeymoon in New England and decided to stop at a historic graveyard to look around. After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and went at it on a tomb.

The next day, the wife had a back ache from her adventures and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her.

"How old are you my dear" the doctor asked.

"I am 22 replied the wife, why?"

The doctor replied, "Because on your butt it says that you were born in 1778."

thedrifter

09-13-2002, 06:14 AM

A Scottish private walked into the pharmacy near his base, pulled a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asked the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom.

The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one.

The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer."

Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and said, "The regiment has voted to replace."

thedrifter

09-14-2002, 08:04 AM

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the Rabbi.

thedrifter

09-14-2002, 08:04 AM

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Republican," replied the salesman. "Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next vehicle to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him - the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"

thedrifter

09-14-2002, 08:06 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910914.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmntf/2002/tmntf020914.gif

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/iipcache/18.png

thedrifter

09-16-2002, 05:22 AM

My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications suddenly went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

thedrifter

09-16-2002, 05:23 AM

A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase in their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents near the station where he was based were so high.

She received the following letter in reply:

"Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents, up to a maximum of three. If the birth of a child will mean your husband is entitled to more quarters allowance, notify him to take the necessary action."

thedrifter

09-16-2002, 05:24 AM

traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thing" Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

thedrifter

09-16-2002, 05:25 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910916.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro020916.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi020916.gif

thedrifter

09-17-2002, 06:49 AM

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

thedrifter

09-17-2002, 06:49 AM

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud! Don't your EARS ever get cold?"

thedrifter

09-17-2002, 06:50 AM

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet the dedicated wife stayed by his bedside every single day.

When the husband finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As the wife sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me."

The husband continued, "When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

thedrifter

09-17-2002, 06:52 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910917.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb020917.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi020917.gif

sfc_darrel

09-17-2002, 05:14 PM

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS
pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for
the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack
normal

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed

thedrifter

09-18-2002, 05:14 AM

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 am, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 pm, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

thedrifter

09-18-2002, 05:15 AM

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thing" Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

thedrifter

09-18-2002, 05:16 AM

thedrifter

09-18-2002, 05:18 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910918.gif

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/iipcache/20.png

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi020918.gif

thedrifter

09-19-2002, 06:17 AM

thedrifter

09-19-2002, 06:17 AM

I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking habit.

She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on television called "Cold Turkey."

After about a week, I asked her how it was going.

"Well, not too bad," she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I have gotten him down to about a pack a night now."

thedrifter

09-19-2002, 06:19 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910919.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/wes/2002/wes020919.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi020919.gif

thedrifter

09-20-2002, 08:09 AM

There was this couple who had been married for fifty years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning, when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we've been married for fifty years."

"Yeah," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "what do you say - should we?"

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal."

thedrifter

09-20-2002, 08:09 AM

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about three months ago."

"Hmm . . . Susan? About three months ago?" said John.

"Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party, we went for a drive and then parked the car. I got into the back seat with you and you told me I was a good sport," replied Susan.

"Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" said John.

"Actually, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself!" exclaimed Susan.

John remarked, "Gee, you really ARE a good sport."

thedrifter

09-20-2002, 08:10 AM

Two honeymooners are walking down 42nd Street, when they saw a sign advertising "The Great Gonzo" outside a theater and decided to give the show a try.

So, into the theater they went. There was a fanfare and the Great Gonzo came out on the stage. He was a young man dressed only in a bathrobe. He opened the robe to show the biggest, hardest erection imaginable.

Then he clapped his hands and a young woman emerged pushing a cart, on the top of which were three walnuts. The Great Gonzo took his erect member in his hand and one, by one, smashed the walnuts, to the thunderous applause of the audience.

This year this same couple decided to celebrate their 40th anniversary with a second honeymoon in New York City. While walking down 42nd Street, they once again see a sign advertising the Great Gonzo. With a bit of surprise, they decided to check out the show again.

Once they were in the theater, the fanfare played and Gonzo, now an old man, appeared in his bathrobe. He opened the robe and there was the erection, as big and hard as ever. This time when he clapped his hands, his now aged assistant appeared with a cart on which were three coconuts. To thunderous applause, he used his member to smash each of them.

The couple couldn't resist going up to Gonzo after the show. They explained that they had seen him 40 years earlier. "But why," they asked, "Did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," Gonzo replied, "When you get old your eye's start to go."

__________________

thedrifter

09-20-2002, 08:11 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910920.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/oe/2002/oe020920.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi020920.gif

sfc_darrel

09-21-2002, 09:03 PM

Date: Sept. 19, 2002

To: All Staff (Global List)

From: Ali in Accounting

Guys, this is getting a smidge embarrassing. It's bad enough we're losing the war, now we have an accounting scandal on our hands. This isn't Tyco. This isn't Enron. We're not WorldCom. This is al-Qaeda. I know morale is down since the cutbacks, but a little discipline please.

When we said we wanted you to make a killing in North America, we didn't mean at the keno table. And it's not enough to put a note on your expenses saying you're "exposing the internal contradictions of the capitalist dialectic." That's Marxism, guys. We're fanatics. Whole different ballgame. Apples and oranges.

Going over some of your expense accounts, I'm a little shocked at how far we've let things slip. Mo in Jakarta, I'm talking to you: You can't be invoicing for "72 doe-eyed virgins." That's for after you go to heaven, not before. It's not complicated. It's called afterlife for a reason, Mo.

And no more playing the markets with company money. Yes, I admit that back in the day we did promote Sahim after he shorted Nortel before the crash. But now I see guys putting our hard-stolen cash on money-centre banks -- anyone remember that old rule against charging interest? -- and, it pains me to say this, armsmakers. You have any idea what Lockheed is doing with that money, guys? Two words: Ka-boom.

So it's time to bring in a few rules. And it's time for everyone to reread the manual (you should find it filed under Q; not K, Q.)

No more stocks, no more junk bonds, no more pet-food income trusts, no more shorting. It's "al-Qaeda cell," not "al-Qaeda: Sell! Sell! Sell!"

Keep this up and we'll have the SEC on our tails. Pictures of our main guys taking the Fifth before Congress: How embarrassing would that be? Don't forget, it's the accountants that got Capone.

thedrifter

09-24-2002, 06:36 AM

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing."

The old man continued, "She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar opened!"

thedrifter

09-24-2002, 06:37 AM

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He asks, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He goes, "Oooh. Uh. Er. I didn't know. I uh . . ."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

thedrifter

09-24-2002, 06:38 AM

There was this old couple who was having there 50th anniversary. Bob thought he should get something different for his wife. Something sexy. So he goes off to the lingerie store, where he goes up to the employee and tells her, " I need your sheerest teddy."

The clerk says, "We have three. I'll bring the first one out." She goes in the back and then comes out with the first teddy. "Here you go. This one is $100."

Bob replies, "It's not sheer enough. Can I see the second one."

The clerk goes in the back again, gets the second one and comes back out. "This one is $200."

"Still not sheer enough. Can I see the last one?" requests Bob.

She goes back again, gets the last one, and comes back out. "This is the last one, which is $300." Bob then agrees to take it. The employee puts it in a box and gives it to Bob. "I hope your wife likes it," she says.

Bob goes home gives it to his wife, Marge. Marge opens it and is shocked to see that Bob has bought her something so sexy. Before she can say anything else, Bob asks her to try it on. She agrees.

Marge then proceeds to go upstairs. As she takes the teddy out of the box she thinks to herself," This teddy is so sheer, Bob won't even realize that I don't have it on."

So she goes downstairs wearing nothing but her high heels. "What do you think, Bob? Does it look good?

" Bob looks at for a minute then says, "Well hell, I paid enough for it. The least they could of done is taken the wrinkles out!"

thedrifter

09-24-2002, 06:38 AM

A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were alright. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love," came the reply.

The old man responded, "I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

thedrifter

09-24-2002, 06:40 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910924.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/bol/2002/bol020922.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi020924.gif

thedrifter

09-25-2002, 06:42 AM

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment. Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death, and the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the four weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"

The gentleman replied, "Because, that would be the longest four weeks of my life!"

thedrifter

09-25-2002, 06:43 AM

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell is the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

thedrifter

09-25-2002, 06:44 AM

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam asks.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history.

thedrifter

09-25-2002, 06:45 AM

Our good buddy, Bill Clinton, was assigned a new intern named Sally. Being the polite gentleman he is, Bill went to visit Sally and ask her if she needed any questions answered.

She said no, so Bill asked, "Have you seen the presidential clock yet?" Sally replied, "I haven't even heard of the presidential clock." Bill then replied, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you."

Sally was a little taken aback, and she stated, "With all the problems you've had lately, I don't think we should." Then Bill said, "Ahh, it's just a clock and I promise I won't try anything." Sally then agrees to go with him.

Bill leads her to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them and then drops his pants to the floor. Sally is flabbergasted and says, "Mr. President, that is the presidential cock, not the presidential clock."

Bill looks at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."

thedrifter

09-25-2002, 06:46 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910925.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro020925.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi020925.gif

sfc_darrel

09-25-2002, 10:33 AM

Ouch!! Talk about a lesson learned the hard way!!!!!!

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

thedrifter

09-26-2002, 04:44 AM

A group of senior citizen ladies were touring an Army base, and part of the tour included a meal at the chow hall. After Sergeant Reese showed the ladies the barracks, drill field, exercise area, stockade, and the Colonel's and staff offices, it was off to the mess hall.

After finishing the meal and the Sergeant telling the ladies of the 25,000 meals served each day, the 12,000 pounds of chicken, 200 pounds of butter, 350 pounds of sugar used each day in meal preparation and serving, it was off to the kitchen area where the meals were prepared.

The Sergeant wanted to impress the ladies so he showed all the stainless steel pots that held 100 pounds of mashed potatoes, the freezers that were 75 feet long, the dishwashers that had such hot water that it would kill any germs.

Then off to the baking area where cookies were being made. They were cut into shapes by an automated cookie-cutter and then put on a conveyor belt going to the oven. As the belt took the morsels toward the oven, a big soldier who was shirtless would pick up each cookie, press it to his belly-button and then put it back on the conveyor.

One of the ladies asked why he was doing that procedure. To that the Sergeant said he was doing that to make designs on the cookies.

Then the same lady asked, "Isn't that awfully unsanitary?"

To that he answered, "Lady, you should have been here yesterday when we were making donuts!"

thedrifter

09-26-2002, 04:44 AM

A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she says.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," replied the madam.

"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese 75-year-old woman in the corner, "but Bertha here has seniority."

thedrifter

09-26-2002, 04:45 AM

Having a car accident can be a confusing experience for many people, especially when asked to write down the details of the accident in a few well-chosen words. The following words were chosen by drivers in the summaries purportedly submitted to police when asked.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went into the bush with just his rear-end showing.

I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep and had the accident.

I had been learning to drive with power-steering. I turned the wheel, what I thought was enough, and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the highway when I struck him.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's lap.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it's path, when it struck my front end.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obstructing my vision. I did not see the other car.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

thedrifter

09-26-2002, 04:46 AM

There were these two identical twins named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old fishing boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the very same day that Joe's old boat sank.

A kindly old woman saw Joe one day, and mistaking him for John said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss, you must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no, in fact I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up, and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water."

"She had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front. Every time I used her that hole got bigger, and then she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to those four guys who were looking for a good time."

"I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at once, and then she split right up the middle . . ."

. . . The old woman fainted!

thedrifter

09-26-2002, 04:48 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910926.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/dp/2002/dp020926.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi020926.gif

thedrifter

09-27-2002, 04:46 AM

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide . . . he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms . . .

And then he stuffed the turkey.

thedrifter

09-27-2002, 04:47 AM

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"

A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.

Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"

Again embarrassed, she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it.

His mother says, "Okay," and goes back to showering.

Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.

"What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?" asked his mom.

"The lady next door has it, and she's washing Daddy's face with it!" reported Tommy.

__________________

thedrifter

09-27-2002, 04:48 AM

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it.

He asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "You know, I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another eight hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. The man taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish, she goes back to sleep and four hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know. I only have eight hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know, you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!"

thedrifter

09-27-2002, 04:49 AM

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said: 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."

thedrifter

09-27-2002, 04:50 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910927.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/oe/2002/oe020927.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi020927.gif

reeb

09-27-2002, 06:01 AM

Yall really know how to get a person "kick started" in the morning without the caffine.

Some really good "jokes/quotes" on this page.

Here is one for the kids that get on here:

What does Batman do when he gets up in the morning?

Answers:

Puts on his Batrobe.

Goes to the Batroom.

Then ( sing along with this theme) Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo

One more :

How does Porky the Pig say POOP??

Poo. poo, poo poo, Oh Shit!!!!!

rnough...........

thedrifter

09-29-2002, 06:43 AM

Three couples were on the way for a meal so they booked a mini-van to take them to the restaurant. On the way, it unfortunately crashed. When the three of them reached heaven, they were greeted by St. Peter who dealt with them one by one.

The first couple stepped up, St. Peter looked in his file and said, "Sorry, you can't come in here. You have ruled you life on money and greed and you even have a wife called Penny." So, he sent them to Hell.

The next couple came up, again he said, "No, you cannot enter. You have ruled your life by alcohol and you even have a wife called Sherry."

As the third couple was to step up the husband said, "Let's get out of here, Fanny. I'm not standing here just to be insulted!"

thedrifter

09-29-2002, 06:44 AM

Q: What technical term has the FBI coined a for the stains found on Monica's dress?
A: "Presidue."

Q: Why couldn't they prove anything in the Monica Lewinsky case?
A: Because she swallowed the evidence.

Q: How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
A: "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth!"

Q: How did they finally bust Bill Clinton?
A: Monica finally coughed up the evidence.

Q: How could President Clinton deny he had sex with Monica Lewinsky?
A: Clinton claims it wasn't sex because, after all, she didn't swallow.

Q: Why did Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
A: She was withholding evidence.

Q: What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
A: Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency.

Q: What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?
A: Missionary.

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff."

Monica didn't get paid for working in the White House. She did it for a GAG.

thedrifter

09-29-2002, 06:44 AM

Dear Abby,

I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $1000-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known prostitutes.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.

In your opinion, Abby, Should I, or shouldn't I let her know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft?

Regards,

Troubled

thedrifter

09-29-2002, 06:45 AM

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car.

Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps. So he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his willy and withdraw as soon as he feels the wasp.

The honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor, and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion.

So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage.

The doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.

The husband shouts, "What the hell is happening?"

To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"

thedrifter

09-29-2002, 06:47 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910929.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb020929.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba020929.gif

thedrifter

09-30-2002, 06:59 AM

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.

"He said the reflector is broken." replied the Amish lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.

The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake."

thedrifter

09-30-2002, 07:00 AM

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talk About the Weather!

People who study tornadoes have twistered minds. The first scientists who studied fog were mystified. Lightning storms can be very striking. And when the fog burns off, it won't be mist.

Heavenly bodies have an attractive force. If all your troubles are melting away, watch out for the floods. You can only see the stars on a finite.

thedrifter

09-30-2002, 07:01 AM

Last New Year's eve, Mrs. Shirley Grumwald and Mrs. Dorothy Ellerbee unexpectedly bumped into each other at a large party.

After an hour of talking and drinking, Mrs. Grumwald remarked to her friend, "You know, Dorothy, they call my husband 'The Exorcist'."

With a great surprise Mrs. Ellerbee asked her, "Well, why?"

Mrs. Grumwald replied, "At every party we attend, my husband soon gets rid of all the spirits."

thedrifter

09-30-2002, 07:02 AM

One day a teacher walked into her classroom and found written on the chalk board in tiny letters, the word "penis". She scanned the class looking for the culprit who had written this word. Finding that none looked particularly guilty, she erased the word and began class.

The next day, she returned to her classroom to find the word "penis" written in large letters on the chalk board. Again she looked in vain for the guilty face. She erased the word and began the day's lessons.

Every morning for a week, she would arrive and find the same word, written larger then the previous day, on the chalk board. Each day she would erase the word and begin teaching.

On the eighth day, she walked in, expecting to find the same word on the board, but instead found: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

thedrifter

09-30-2002, 07:03 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch910930.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbou/2002/tmbou020930.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi020930.gif

thedrifter

10-01-2002, 05:17 AM

Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on television?
A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

Q: What do you call a Flordia gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives' tails.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: Why is it called SEX?
A: Because it's easier to spell than, "Uhhhhh - Oooohh - Ahhhhhh - AIIEEEEEEE!"

Q: What is the one negative side-effect of taking Viagra?
A: Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in.

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

thedrifter

10-01-2002, 05:18 AM

thedrifter

10-01-2002, 05:18 AM

Last week, Gerald's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look many years younger.

After a lengthy sitting in front the mirror applying the "miracle" products Gerald's wife asked, "Honey, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking her over very carefully, Gerald replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; from your hair, eighteen; and from your figure, I'd say about twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"And now," Gerald interrupted. "Adding them up, I have to say ..."

thedrifter

10-01-2002, 05:19 AM

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.

After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think . . ." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think . . ." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

thedrifter

10-01-2002, 05:21 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911001.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021001.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021001.gif

SuperScout

10-01-2002, 05:42 AM

From the desk of the Reverend Elton Jones,
The Rescue Mission
Harrisonburg VA 22801

Dear Mr. Drifter:

Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause of temperance. Each year for the past 14, I have made a tour of Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida, and have delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking. This year, I plan to take my crusade into Maryland, West Virginia, Kentucky, Oklahoma, and Texas.

On this recent tour, I was accompanied by my young friend and assistant, Clyde Lindstrom. Clyde, a young man of good family and excellent background, is a pathetic example of life ruined by excessive indulgence in whiskey and women. Clyde would appear with me at the lectures, and sit on the platform, wheezing and sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing gas, and making obscene gestures while I would point him out as an example of what overindulgence can do to a person.

This summer, unfortunately, Clyde died. A mutual friend has given me your name, and I wonder if you would be available to take Clyde's place on my 2003 tour?

Sincerely,

Reverend Elton Jones

thedrifter

10-02-2002, 05:36 AM

There were three construction workers, one was Mexican, one was English, and the other was Polish. They were on the high scaffolding of the building they were building, and they were eating lunch.

The Mexican looked in his lunch, and said, "A taco. If I get a taco one more time, I'm going to jump off this building!"

The English guy looked in his lunch, and said, "Crumpets. If I get crumpets one more time, I'm going to jump off this building!"

Then the Polish guy looked in his lunch and said, "Polish sausage. If I get this sausage one more time, I'm going to jump off of this building!"

The next day they all got the same lunch, and they all jumped off the building and died.

At the funeral the Mexican's wife said, "If he would have told me he didn't want tacos, I would have made him something different."

Then the English guy's wife said, "If he would have told me he didn't want crumpets. I would have made him something else."

Then the Polish guy's wife said, "I don't understand. He made his own lunch."

thedrifter

10-02-2002, 05:37 AM

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee table.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes. She said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes . . ."

thedrifter

10-02-2002, 05:38 AM

A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the cat shot back in. They didn't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

thedrifter

10-02-2002, 05:39 AM

A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."

His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag.

After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

thedrifter

10-02-2002, 05:40 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911002.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/cl/2002/cl021002.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021002.gif

thedrifter

10-03-2002, 06:11 AM

Q: Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
A: God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were definitely put out.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children to explain why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance at having sex.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And Moses looked upon the Lord and said, "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off our WHAT?"

thedrifter

10-03-2002, 06:12 AM

Bill and Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping.

Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

thedrifter

10-03-2002, 06:12 AM

When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed that one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, she said to him, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister?"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."

thedrifter

10-03-2002, 06:13 AM

The United States 2000 census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.

"Oh, don't be alarmed, sir," she said. "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen." The lady replied.

"Lady," the census taker gasped, "you're not a nudist - You just don't have time to get dressed!"

thedrifter

10-03-2002, 06:14 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911003.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021003.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021003.gif

Sgt_Tropo

10-04-2002, 06:20 AM

Two hunters were walking through the deep woods, when one of them collasped. His friend tried to rouse him, but the fallen friend was unresponsive and his eyes were lifeless and glazed.
Thinking quickly, the other hunter pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911.
" 911, what's your emergency?" the operator answered.
"My friend collasped and I think he's dead." the hunter replied.
"Okay", the operator relied, "Just remain calm. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There was a long moment of silence, followed by a the sound of a gunshot.
"Okay, now what?" the hunter responded. :p

thedrifter

10-05-2002, 09:58 AM

have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer
meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters,
"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or
"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband
what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any
of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with
what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set
of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced
because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him
what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

thedrifter

10-05-2002, 09:59 AM

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he had changed his statement after he had given it to the police.

"For example," the judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" asked the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife. "He knew exactly where it was."

thedrifter

10-05-2002, 09:59 AM

One day, an elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" the salesman asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." the woman replied.

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional," the woman bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

thedrifter

10-05-2002, 10:00 AM

Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town. Or - Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell . . .

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

thedrifter

10-05-2002, 10:01 AM

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row because he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent's room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noises. When I looked in your bedroom, you were bouncing up and down on him."

His mother is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's too fat, and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mom asks, "Oh, Really? Why not?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave every day and blows him back up!"

thedrifter

10-06-2002, 06:55 AM

noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters. So he devised a test to tell for certain, how often someone has had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.

"Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly gentleman, "Then, what the heck are you so happy about?"

The gent answered, "Tonight's the night!"

thedrifter

10-06-2002, 06:56 AM

An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to buy you some jewelry."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish I were the toilet paper
In my girlfriend's hand,
So every time she wiped
I could see the promised land!

thedrifter

10-06-2002, 06:57 AM

thedrifter

10-06-2002, 06:57 AM

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks him what is wrong.

"Well," replied the groom, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this, though. She gave me $20 change!"

thedrifter

10-06-2002, 06:59 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911006.gif

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/iipcache/22.png

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021006.gif

thedrifter

10-07-2002, 07:02 AM

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mom, is the lady next door bionic?"

"Of course not, why do you ask Little Johnny?" said his mother.

" Oh, it's just that I heard Dad telling Uncle Bob that he had screwed her eyes out!"

thedrifter

10-07-2002, 07:03 AM

Why Coffee is Better than Women - Part I

1.You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

2.Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.

3.A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

4.You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

5.You can always warm coffee up.

6.Coffee comes with endless refills.

7.Coffee is cheaper.

8.You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 am.

9.Coffee never runs out.

10.Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11.You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

12.You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

13.You can smoke while drinking coffee.

14.You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

15.Coffee smells and tastes good.

16.You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

17.If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

18.You can always get fresh coffee.

19.You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.

20.They sell coffee at police stations.

21.You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

22.Coffee goes down easier.

thedrifter

10-07-2002, 07:04 AM

Two neighbors were having a chat when one said, "I took my dog to the vet's office today because it bit my mother-in-law."

The other guy asked, "Did you put it to sleep?"

"No, of course not," said the first guy. "I had its teeth sharpened."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you heard about this man who took his mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool. The guy is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.

thedrifter

10-07-2002, 07:05 AM

Wazza

10-07-2002, 07:06 AM

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape sh*t. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair; rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you've got a headache."

thedrifter

10-07-2002, 07:06 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911007.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/dp/2002/dp021007.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021007.gif

Wazza

10-07-2002, 07:16 AM

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will
turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your iaphragm was supposed to have turned into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other..."

Wazza

10-07-2002, 07:19 AM

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Wazza

10-07-2002, 07:52 AM

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It was sent to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note last sentence)

Subject: Replacement of Mouse Balls

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit.).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, only properly trained personnel should attempt the replacement of mouse balls.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the Mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive; however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Wazza

10-07-2002, 07:54 AM

Farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coup. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you can't handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You?re all washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I'll race you three times around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coup."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse the second time and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damm.... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Wazza

10-07-2002, 07:57 AM

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a Sword to her throat, said "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic
basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Wazza

10-07-2002, 07:59 AM

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said, "she's f*cking Goofy."

Wazza

10-07-2002, 08:02 AM

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Wazza

10-07-2002, 08:09 AM

What thu?

kenmar

10-07-2002, 09:02 AM

An old farmer is walking along a creek on his property when he hears a faint "Hello". He looks around and sees nothing, so continues on.

Again he hears a faint "Hello". He looks down and sees a frog that says to him, "Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into a voluptuous woman and fulfill your every desire.

The farmer bends down, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket and continues on.

The frog starts yelling and asks: " Hey, don't you want to turn me into a voluptuous woman ? "

The farmer says: " No, ....at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

thedrifter

10-08-2002, 06:42 AM

thedrifter

10-08-2002, 06:43 AM

A friend saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and asked, "Hey Bill, I thought you were a cigar man?"

President Clinton responded, "Cigars are for pussies!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"President Clinton of the USA" can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: "To copulate he finds interns."

thedrifter

10-08-2002, 06:44 AM

George Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded. They were walking for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon this very small broken-down shack.

Washington asked the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick. The man said, "As you can see I only have room for one man."

So Washington picked out his most wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there. Then he left with the rest of his men looking for another place.

After walking for several miles more, they finally saw this big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion. Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they were all tired and needed some shelter and a place to rest.

The Madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men. In fact, she was excited about it. She asked, "How many men do you have?"

Washington answered, "About 99 men without Cox." The madam replied, "You've got to be kidding me!"

thedrifter

10-08-2002, 06:45 AM

thedrifter

10-08-2002, 06:47 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911008.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021008.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021008.gif

Wazza

10-08-2002, 07:29 AM

It was opening night at the Orphean and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It?s been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh*t!" said the hypnotist. :n:

It took three weeks to clean the theatre.

thedrifter

10-09-2002, 08:19 AM

After being arrested by the police, and going through the legal system, three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in jail.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and brushes and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, blackjack and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The third guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."

thedrifter

10-09-2002, 08:20 AM

One evening, an American walks into a bar in Sydney. He grabs a handful of coins out of his pocket, throws them in the air, pulls a gun, shoots six times and six bullets go through the center of six coins.

The American announces, "My name is Bill - Buffalo Bill."

Immediately, a Russian jumps up from behind the bar, pulls his pants down and everyone can clearly see he has three enormous d**ks hanging down.

The Russian announces, "My name, also, is Bill - Chern O. Bill."

thedrifter

10-09-2002, 08:20 AM

Last Halloween, a young boy dressed as a pirate captain knocked on the door of a house to get some trick-or-treat candy.

A kindly woman answered the door and recognized that the young lad was a pirate. His costume was really cute, with a toy parrot on his shoulder, eye patch, and all. She thought she'd have a little fun with the boy by teasing him a bit.

"Where are your buccaneers?" asked the woman.

To that, the boy replied, "Under my buccan-hat!"

thedrifter

10-09-2002, 08:21 AM

thedrifter

10-09-2002, 08:23 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911009.gif

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/iipcache/23.png

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021009.gif

Wazza

10-09-2002, 12:49 PM

Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded.

The answer appears below for those who cannot think this one through!!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the
other is getting a bl*w job from an 85 year old woman.

They are each thinking the exact same thing. What is it they are both thinking?

Don't look down :r:

thedrifter

10-10-2002, 06:25 AM

An Indian from a nearby reservation went to a ***** house and knocked on the door. When the madam answered, he said, "Me want woman!" The Madam looks at him kind of funny and said, "You want a woman huh?" He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money."

"But do you have experience?" the madam asked. "Experience?" asked the Indian. "Have you done this before?" asked the madam. "No, but me want woman. Me got money," replied the Indian.

The madam laughed and said, "I'll tell you what honey - You go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees, and when you know what you're doing you come back and see me."

The Indian went out into the forest and found a knothole to practice. The next week he went back to the *****house and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered, he exclaimed, "Me want woman. Me got experience!" So the Madam sent him upstairs with one of her girls.

When they get upstairs the Indian told her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she did, he took out a 2 x 4 and smacked her on the ass.

"What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed. The Indian replied, "Me check for bees."

thedrifter

10-10-2002, 06:57 AM

very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

thedrifter

10-10-2002, 06:58 AM

thedrifter

10-10-2002, 06:59 AM

thedrifter

10-10-2002, 07:00 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911010.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021010.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021010.gif

Wazza

10-10-2002, 08:45 AM

1. Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
Ladies Are Requested Not To Have Children In The Bar.

2. At A Budapest Zoo:
Please Do Not Feed the Animals. If You Have Any Suitable Food, Give it to the Guard on Duty.

3. Doctor's Office, Rome:
Specialist in Women and Other Diseases.

4. Hotel, Acapulco:
The Manager Has Personally Passed All the Water Served Here.

5. Information Booklet About Using A Hotel Air Conditioner, Japan:
Cooles And Heates: If You Want Just Condition Of Warm Air In Your Room, Please Control Yourself.

6. Car Rental Brochure, Tokyo:
When Passenger of Foot Heave in Sight, Tootle the Horn. Trumpet Him Melodiously At First, But If He Still Obstacles Your Passage Then Tootle Him With Vigor.

7. Dry Cleaner's, Bangkok:
Drop Your Trousers Here For the Best Results.

8. Sign In Men's! Rest Room In Japan:
To Stop Leak Turn Cock To The Right.

9. In A Nairobi Restaurant:
Customers Who Find Our Waitresses Rude Ought To See the Manager.

10. On The Grounds Of A Private School:
No Trespassing without Permission.

11. On An Athi River Highway:
Take Notice: When This Sign Is Under Water, This Road Is Impassable.

12. On A Poster at Kencom:
Are You an Adult That Cannot Read? If So, We Can Help.

13. In A City Restaurant:
Open Seven Days A Week and Weekends.

14. One of the Mathare Buildings:
Mental Health Prevention Centre.

15. A Sign Seen On an Automatic Restroom Hand Dryer:
Do Not Activate With Wet Hands.

16. In A Pumwani Maternity Ward:
No Children Allowed.

17. In A Cemetery:
Persons Are Prohibited From Picking Flowers from Any but Their Own Graves.

18. Sign In Japanese Public Bath:
Foreign Guests Are Requested Not To Pull Cock In Tub.

19. Tokyo Hotel's Rules and Regulations:
Guests Are Requested Not To Smoke or Do Other Disgusting Behaviours in Bed.

20. On The Menu of A Swiss Restaurant:
Our Wines Leave You Nothing to Hope For.

21. In A Tokyo Bar:
Special Cocktails for the Ladies with Nuts.

22. In A Bangkok Temple:
It Is Forbidden To Enter A Woman Even A Foreigner if dressed As A Man.

23. Hotel Room Notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
Please Do Not Bring Solicitors Into Your Room

24. Hotel Brochure, Italy:
This Hotel Is Renowned For Its Peace And Solitude. In Fact, Crowds From All over the World Flock Here To Enjoy Its Solitude.

25. Hotel Lobby, Bucharest:
The Lift is being fixed For the Next Day. During That Time We Regret That You Will Be Unbearable.

26. Hotel Elevator, Paris:
Please Leave Your Values at the Front Desk.

27. Hotel, Yugoslavia:
The Flattening of Underwear with Pleasure Is the Job of the Chambermaid

28. Hotel, Japan:
You Are Invited To Take Advantage of the Chambermaid.

29. Hotel Catering to Skiers, Austria:
Not To Perambulate the Corridors in the Hours of Repose in the Boots of Ascension.

30. Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For Your Convenience, We Recommend Courteous, Efficient Self-Service.

31. From The Soviet Weekly:
There will be A Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic Painters and Sculptors. These were executed Over the Past Two Years.

32. In An East African Newspaper:
A New Swimming Pool Is Rapidly Taking Shape Since The Contractors Have Thrown In The Bulk Of Their Workers.

33. Hotel, Vienna:
In Case Of Fire, Do Your Utmost To Alarm the Hotel Porter.

34. An Advertisement by A Hong Kong Dentist:
Teeth Extracted by the Latest Methodists.

35. Tourist Agency, Czechoslovakia:
Take One of Our Horse-Driven City Tours. We Guarantee No Miscarriages.

36. Advertisement for Donkey Rides, Thailand:
Would You Like To Ride on Your Own Ass?

37. In The Window on A Swedish Furrier:
Fur Coats Made For Ladies from Their Own Skin.

38. The Box of A Clockwork Toy Made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed To Work throughout Its Useful Life.

39. Airline Ticket Office, Copenhagen:
We Take Your Bags and Send Them in All Directions.

40. A Laundry in Rome:
Ladies, Leave Your Clothes Here And Spend the Afternoon Having A Good Time.

thedrifter

10-11-2002, 06:38 AM

Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before they have a final copy.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: "I can do better."

Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.

Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

thedrifter

10-11-2002, 06:39 AM

Why Coffee is Better than Women - Part II

23.If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

24.No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

25.A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.

26.Your coffee doesn't talk to you.

27.Coffee smells good in the morning.

28.Coffee is good when it's cold too.

29.Coffee stains are easier to remove.

30.Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.

31.Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.

32.Coffee doesn't shed.

33.Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

34.You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

35.Coffee doesn't mind being ground.

36.No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

37.Coffee doesn't have a time of the month - it's good all the time.

38.When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

39.When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.

40.Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.

41.Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 am and decide to have a cup.

42.INSTANT COFFEE!

43.You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

44.It can take up to two weeks for coffee to grow mold.

45.Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

thedrifter

10-11-2002, 06:40 AM

find it interesting that if you rearrange
the letters in the words "mother in law"
you get the words: "woman hitler."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pharmacist tell a customer, "In order to buy arsenic,
you should need a legal prescription.
A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It was really cold outside today."

"HOW COLD WAS IT?"

"It was colder than a mother-in-law's kiss!"

thedrifter

10-11-2002, 06:40 AM

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 276, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

thedrifter

10-11-2002, 06:42 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911011.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021011.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021011.gif

thedrifter

10-13-2002, 02:39 PM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911013.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021013.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021013.gif

thedrifter

10-13-2002, 02:41 PM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021013.gif

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/iipcache/24.png

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021013.gif

thedrifter

10-14-2002, 06:13 AM

thedrifter

10-14-2002, 06:14 AM

A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92-year-old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor.

While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful old oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating in it.

Astonished and shocked, he turned away. But after tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.

"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a small package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said, 'Keep wet and place on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."

thedrifter

10-14-2002, 06:16 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911014.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fw/2002/fw021013.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021014.gif

JeffL

10-14-2002, 02:16 PM

If mosquitoes carry West Nile Virus and deer ticks carry Lyme Disease, what insect carries AIDS?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Asshoppers

thedrifter

10-15-2002, 07:43 AM

thedrifter

10-15-2002, 07:43 AM

Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
A: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.

Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
A: A last name.

Q: How is marriage like a hot bath?
A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
A: Call her/him on the telephone.

Q: What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: Your dog is barking at the back door. Your wife is barking at the front. Who do you let in?
A: Well, it's your call, but the dog will stop barking when you let him in.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

thedrifter

10-15-2002, 07:45 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911015.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmmix/2002/tmmix021015.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021015.gif

thedrifter

10-16-2002, 05:54 AM

Things Men Know

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.

Men also know that the woman will get ****ed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

__________________

thedrifter

10-16-2002, 05:54 AM

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decided to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow. Low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So," the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

thedrifter

10-16-2002, 05:56 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911016.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021016.gif

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/iipcache/25.png

JeffL

10-16-2002, 01:30 PM

Click on it, let it load up. It might take a little time, but just wait for it to load.

http://users3.ev1.net/~jtclay/fishin.htm

Boats

10-16-2002, 01:41 PM

OK my turn;

From her hair she picked a rose
and tossed it to me there;
I in turn kissed the rose
and tossed her back her hair.

OK so it ain't so great but I liked it.

I only can remember to versus of this poem
about a beer bottle maybe you guys can
fill in the rest:

I grabbed her by her slender throat
my greedy eyes did shine;
I tore her flimsy wrap away
and pressed her lips to mine>

OK so its not that good either lets see;

One Kool morning Miss Paul Mall was walking down
Chesterfield Lane,
She met Kentucky King;
He took her to the Raliegh hotel,
He laid her on the Old Gold bed and
stuck his King Size L&M into her Flip-Top Box
and if she doesn't look like a Camel in nine months
she'll be a Lucky Strike.

OK I'd better give up the jokes.

Wazza

10-16-2002, 05:34 PM

Two locals were in a bar in Auckland when an Aussie walks in and orders a drink.

"Look at him" says the first Kiwi to his friend, "He thinks he's so tough, just because Australia won the rugby. Let's bring him down to size."

So the Kiwi walks over and yells to the Australian at the bar: "Hey Aussie, John Eales [Capt. Oz Rugby Team] is a soft-arsed, pathetic, yellow-bellied excuse for a rugby player."

The Australian looks up, acknowledges the New Zealander with a casual glance, and returns to his beer.

The Kiwi turns to his mate, "This Aussie doesn't stir easily, I think we need to get a bit closer to the bone to really give him the shits." So the other Kiwi walks over to the Aussie and says, "Hey Aussie, I heard John Eales was really a Kiwi in disguise."

At this the Australian casually replies "So your mate said."
...and returned to his beer.

Wazza

10-16-2002, 05:44 PM

Boats

Is this a comeback or what?

Your jokes aren't great you can be sure
Your Navy days kept you off-shore
You try our patience rarely here
It's time I had another beer.

This latest effort makes me hope
Your not back on the green leaf dope
But rest assured my groans you'll hear
If I'm allowed close to your ear.

Keep on keeping on good buddy

Bernadette

10-16-2002, 05:52 PM

A guy walks into his doctors office with just celophane underware on. The doctor says "Well I can clearly see your nutz."

A Flaky Blonde
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

A Side Order of Blondes
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," yells the other blonde

Blonde's Backseat
A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. ''NO!'' yelled the blonde.
The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.
''NO!'' the blonde yelled again. Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped. ''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy. ''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?'' The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you."

Blondevision
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

First Class Blondie
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

:) that is all folks

thedrifter

10-17-2002, 06:28 AM

thedrifter

10-17-2002, 06:29 AM

One gloomy afternoon, it was raining strongly when the door bell rings. The husband opens the door and finds his mother-in-law outside on the porch, her clothes completely wet.

The guy says, "Mother-in-law, what are you doing outside in this weather? Go home!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys, ran into each other on a street corner one day. The first guy says, "I just got back from a real pleasure trip."

The second guy asks, "Where did you go?"

The first guy answered, "I took my mother-in-law to the airport!"

thedrifter

10-17-2002, 06:30 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911017.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021017.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021017.gif

JeffL

10-17-2002, 09:41 AM

Uh........Boats. Don't give up your day job. :xi:

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

The latest proposal to eliminate the Taliban and Al Qaeda is to send in the ASF (Alabama Special Forces.) Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Cooter and Junior are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music, and Jesus.
5. They don?t like women.
6. They don't like barbecue.

And most importantly...

7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

We estimate it should be over in just about two days.

:D

thedrifter

10-18-2002, 06:36 AM

A handsome American Army captain, assigned to the American Embassy's military attache office in London, was shopping in Harrod's during his lunch hour and got the hungries.

He went to the cafeteria, loaded a tray, and the only available space was at a table occupied by a gorgeous gal. He asked the gal if he could share the table with her, which is the accepted procedure in jolly old England. She nodded. He sat down and they began a conversation.

They were smitten with each other and one thing led to another until he ended up in her flat for a little horizontal recreation. Both enjoyed it immensely.

He had to go back to work and didn't see her again until a couple weeks later when he met her on the street near his Embassy. "Hello, Pamela," he said.

She gave him a drop dead look. He was crestfallen. "Pamela," he said. "Don't you remember me? Remember lunch in Harrod's? Remember the wonderful time we had at your flat?"

She remained unmoved and said haughtily, "Since when did intercourse constitute a formal introduction?"

thedrifter

10-18-2002, 06:37 AM

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along, but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates, and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

thedrifter

10-18-2002, 06:38 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911018.gif

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/iipcache/26.png

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021018.gif

philly

10-18-2002, 11:17 AM

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parent tell
>them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came
>back and one by one began to tell their stories.
>Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
>One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
>of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
>and broke and made a mess."
>"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
>"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
>"Very good," said the teacher.
>
>Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
>But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,
>but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
>story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
>"That was a fine story Sarah.

Michael, do you have a story to share?"
>"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
>flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had
>to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey,
>a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
>wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy
>troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
>out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the
>blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
>"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
>daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
>"Stay the f_ _k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

thedrifter

10-21-2002, 06:59 AM

An 80-year-old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following: "Father, I am an 80-year-old man, I'm married, I have four children and eleven grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 19-year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession. I'm not Catholic."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Hell Father, I'm telling everyone!"

thedrifter

10-21-2002, 06:59 AM

In her own eyes, Julia was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."

"Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"

"Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet

thedrifter

10-21-2002, 07:04 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911021.gif

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/iipcache/27.png

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021021.gif

thedrifter

10-22-2002, 07:04 AM

Four nuns in a convent wanted to watch the television.

The first nun said that she wanted to watch the Indy 500.

The second nun wanted to watch that sexy Stone Cold Steve Austin wrestle on WWF.

The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so that she could learn to knit some mittens for the upcoming winter.

The fourth nun said she wanted to watch the discovery channel about how a baby is born.

After some discussion, they all decided to flip channels every two seconds so they could all watch all of the programs.

This is what is sounded like: And they're off! They're on top of each other! In ... Out ... In ... Out ... and yes, the baby is born!

thedrifter

10-22-2002, 07:05 AM

My best friend married a doctor several years ago. After being married for about three years, my friend's husband said to his wife, "You need to do something to spice up our love-making."

Shortly thereafter, he came home and found his wife in bed with another man who also happened to be a doctor.

"But, why?" asked her hubby.

"You said that I needed to do something to spice up our love-making," she replied. "I just wanted to get a second opinion."

thedrifter

10-22-2002, 07:07 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911022.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021022.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021022.gif

thedrifter

10-23-2002, 07:38 AM

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend."

The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we'll never be able to catch 'em."

thedrifter

10-23-2002, 07:39 AM

thedrifter

10-23-2002, 07:40 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911023.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/cl/2002/cl021023.gif

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021023.gif

kenmar

10-23-2002, 06:29 PM

This is like deja vu all over again."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"I didn't really say everything I said."

thedrifter

10-24-2002, 06:42 AM

Once there was this mountain man who came into town. He goes to the local bar and has a drink. He asks the bartender, "Where can a guy get a woman around here?"

The bartender says, "There are no women around here but we have Joe in the back room." The mountain man replies, "No thanks, I don't go for that kind of thing." Then he leaves and goes back up into the mountains.

Three months pass, and the mountain man comes back into town and goes to the bar again. He asks the bartender if there are any women in town. The bartender tells him once again no but they have Joe in the back room. The mountain man says, "Naw, I don't go for that kind of thing."

Six months pass, and again the mountain man comes into town. He goes to the bar again and asks, "Are there any women in town"? The bartender says, "No, but we still have Joe in the back room."

The mountain man thinks for a moment and asks, "Say I was to go for Joe in the backroom there - Who would know?"

The bartender says, "Nobody but you, me, Joe and the two guys it takes to hold him down. Joe don't go for that kinda thing either."

thedrifter

10-24-2002, 06:43 AM

New Software: GirlFriend 1.0 - Part I

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.

thedrifter

10-24-2002, 06:44 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911024.gif

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/iipcache/28.png

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021024.gif

Wazza

10-24-2002, 09:15 PM

The other day I vent to the local religious bookstore where I saw a "Honk If You Really Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the lights of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I didn't notice that the lights had changed. That bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He really must love the lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Malibu there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the lights had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good luck sign as I drove away.

[B]Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks![/ B] :b: