Favorite Recipes

[JeffL]

As my first contribution to this site during a holiday season, please accept one of our favorite family recipes for a great Thanksgiving turkey!

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HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

1. Go buy a turkey.
2. Take a drink of whiskey.
3. Put the turkey in the oven.
4. Take 2 more drinks of whiskey.
5. Set the oven to 375?.
6. Take another drink of whiskey.
7. Turn the oven on.
8. Have 4 more shots of whiskey.
9. Turk the bastey.
10. Whiskey another bottle of get.
11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
12. Glass yourself another pour of whiskey.
13. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14. Take the oven out of the turkey.
15. Floor the turkey on the drop.
16. Have another shot of whiskey.
17. Turk up the pickey flom the froor.
18. Turk the carvey.
19. Open another bottle of whiskey.
20. Tet the shable and pour yourshelf a glass of turkey.
21. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

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I'm only trying to help! Here's wishing everyone a happy holiday season! And share some of your favorite holiday recipes!!!!!

:ae: :az: :h:


Never drink downstream from the herd.
Jeff

[janecallanan]

I like it better without the turkey.

[Stick]

Jeff,
I was really getting kinda hungry but definitely getting thirsty until you got to "#20. Tet the shable."
Damn troops, where's my M-60?

[janecallanan]

Jeff...you might want to try this one as well.

Fruit Cake

With the holidays coming, here's a fruitcake recipe that will help take the stress out of this normally stressful time:



Ingredients:

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2cups dried fruit
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
3 oz lemon juice
1 cup nuts
1 gallon Smirnoffs Vodka

First, sample the vodka to check for freshness.
Take a large bowl.
Check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality. You know we can not trust those Russians.
Pour 1 level cup of the vodka and drink it.

Repeat.

Repeat again.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add water, eggs and 1 tsp sugar and beat again.
Make surr the vodka is still OK.
Cry another tup.
Turn off mixers.
Chuck in the cup of dried fruit or something.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets struck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewsciver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsistancity.
Next, sniff two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the vodka.
Now sniff the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table spoon of sugar or something. Whatever.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Whip the bowl out the window.
Check the vodka again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes $%^&*! fruitcake anyway?

[SEATJERKER]

...sound's like,(hic), ya all been readin mah kook books again...

...feel freed to sub t tute any form of distillery produck into these fine recesipees as kneaded, one isa asa gooda asa de utter...

...drank you fer de smile dis mornin'...

[Wazza]

I don't care whose cooking I just want an invite!!!!

[janecallanan]

Consider yourself invited. Never knew of a thanksgiving where there wasn't enough food for ten times the people attending. And I HATE turkey soup! Beencooking today and am too drunk to write much more.

[janecallanan]

Chocolate Cake

Line 1.
Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)

Line 2.
Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.

Line 3.
Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.

Line 4.
Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.

Line 5a.
Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.

Line 5b.
Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.

Line 5c.
Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.

Line 6.
Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.

Line 7.
Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.

Line 8.
Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.

Line 9.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)

Line 10.
Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For the Birds."

Line 11.
Add vanilla.

Line 12.
In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.

Line 13.
Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).

Line 14.
Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."

[Keith_Hixson]

I'm so confused!

Keith :D

[philly]

Are there open invitations to this fine dining? This is what you call good old fashion home cook'n. ;)

[janecallanan]

C'mon in. The foods passable, the drinks make it taste better, and the men don't do dishes!

[janecallanan]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE
DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[JeffL]

Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

[Advisor]

So that explains it! Thanks Jeff. Been wondering about this for years.:e:

Joe

[janecallanan]

You guys are wicked, evil and dangerous!
Did the test subjects also try to make sure they looked and smelled their best, getother guys to buy them drinks, and then suddenly have to go home with a headache?

[Advisor]

Can't say that I've had any direct experience with this for more than 35 years, but some of my single friends tell me that she did turn into a headache the next morning.

[billr]

A little alcohol makes everything easier.

[JeffL]

Here's a calendar (just for November and December) for people who only drink on holidays. I have the whole year in a Word file, if anyone wants it, or it can be converted to a simple text file. Some pals and I started working on it about 30 years ago (before the days of the computer!) when I was working at Maremont Corp. after I got out of the CG, and it goes through modifications on an as-needed basis.

NOVEMBER

1 Gorden's Annual Eggplant Madness
2 The Ides of Gwoon
3 The Great Haggis Feast
4 Anniversary of the 1st Electric Bass Drum
5 The Swirling of Swizzle Sticks
6 Festival of Used Light Bulbs
7 Galoshes Day
8 Martha's 2nd Honeymoon
9 Be Bald and Be Free Day
10 Annual Tumblebug Pageant
11 Make a New Enemy Day
12 Columbus Day
13 Cincinnati Day
14 Opossum Day
15 Anniversary of the Morton Spooner Monument
16 National Grouch Day
17 Feast of the Asteroid Belt
18 Snails' Day
19 Toenail Tap Dance
20 Peach Pit Fling
21 Afternoon of the Faun
22 Teabag Festival
23 Use More Goose Quills Day
24 National Fiesta of the 9th Guard
25 Ogres' Gathering
26 Night of the Frunious Quizzle
27 International Cajoling of Dragonflies
28 Fiesta of the Fat Chamois
29 Miss Kwudd's Ballet Recital
30 Gashouse Gang?s Pancake Supper


DECEMBER

1 White Knights' Dragon Fight
2 Piece Treaty Day
3 Cliggle's Ecator Click
4 Curing of the Tropic of Cancer
5 Uncle Tom's Cabana Bee
6 Beeswax Festival
7 Riot of the Dirty Old Men
8 Annual Sideburn Pageant
9 Anniversary of the Articles of Anarchy
10 Omar Sturd's Annual Grin
11 Flap Day
12 Do Something Real Dumb Day
13 Regret It Day
14 Third Day of the Preeple
15 Grackle Day
16 Annual Meeting of The Man Can't Fly Society
17 Underdog Day
18 Snowcat Drivers' Ball
19 Throw a Peachpit at a Chihuahua Day
20 Belly Button Lint Day
21 Winter Solstice
22 National Whiner's Day
23 Piz Nez Lens Wipe
24 The Wax Museum Meltdown
25 Christmas Day
26 Chicken Fat Collection Day
27 Yearly Decoration of Moose Antlers
28 Crating Day
29 Boxing Day
30 Wear a Svelte Belt on the Veldt Day
31 New Years Eve


Later, everyone! Today's the celebration of the Afternoon of the Faun!

Jeff

[Drywall]

How about a Bah Humbug day? Or the annual Curmudgeon non-festival?

[janecallanan]

Could you mail me the whole year? These are great Jeff! and I agree that a curmudgeon non-fest should be added.Maybe on leap yearday?

[JeffL]

Just use some judiciously placed strips of aluminum foil to create the following masterpiece! :D

And watch your guests' faces!

[JeffL]

From a neighbor:

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The little artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.

We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win.

When I do, we will eat.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am very thankful.

[janecallanan]

Thanks Jeff! I was afraid she'd show up uninvited, but this puts my mind at rest!!!!!!!!

[Drywall]

Jeff,
One of our sons is a professional cook so I have it made in the turkey carving dept. He even brings his own knives. Makes it look easy.

[JeffL]

The following recipe for chocolate chip cookies appeared in Chemical & Engineering News (C&EN, Jun 19, 1995, p. 100). It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp.


Ingredients:

1. 532.35 g gluten
2. 4.9 g NaHCO3
3. 4.9 g refined halite
4. 236.6 g partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 g crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 g unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 g methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain albumen-coated protien
9. 473.2 g theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 g de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add first three ingredients with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460?K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25? C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

[janecallanan]

No thanks, I'm watching my figure.

[daniel topliffe]

jeff...re:your post 'beer anyone' on 11-20-2002 @8:09 a m...if i ever let my wife read that one...i might just as well...move into my winnebago for the
rest of my life.

i'm tempted!!!! :e:

[janecallanan]

Oh Dan, you'd better not take beer to the Winnebago, or you'll never get away from it!
Happy Thanksgiving!

[reeb]

WHEW!!!!!!!!!!

I sure am GLAD I am doing my oown cooking.

YALL GETTING ME DRUNKER!!!!!

enough.............

[janecallanan]

Drunk enough? Did you have a good turkey day?