Just fer grins

[wrbones]

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."






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[wrbones]

But the guy who sent it to me wouldn't try to pull one over on me!


would he?




The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C. travel agent of 30+ years.

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response...(click).

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas! was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very
rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is(FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you? "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!




__________________________________________________ __
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[wrbones]

> > > Bar... Monkey
> > > >
> > > > A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
> >and while
> > > > he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey
> >grabs
> >some
> > > > olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced
> >limes and
> >eats
> > > > them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the
> >billiard
> >balls,
> > > > sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and
> >somehow
> >swallows
> > > > it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what
> >your
> >monkey
> > > > did?"
> > > >
> > > > The guy says, "No, what?"
> > > >
> > > > "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
> > > >
> > > > "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats
> >everything
> >in
> > > > sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
> > > >
> > > > The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff
> >the monkey
> > > > ate and leaves.
> > > >
> > > > Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is
> >with him.
> >He
> > > > orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
> >again. While
> > > > the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
> >cherry on
> > > > the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and
> >eats it.
> >The
> > > > bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
> >he asks.
> > > >
> > > > "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino
> >cherry up his
> > > > ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
> > > >
> > > > "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still
> >eats
> > > > everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball,
> >he
> > > > measures everything first

[wrbones]

Martha Stewart would love this!

Finished product is pictured in the document at the bottom.

To make Bedroom slippers out of maxi pads.
(You can get a box of pads at the Dollar Store). You need four maxi's to
make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two
wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top
pieces to the bottom of the foot part. There you have slippers. Decorate the
tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc.

Now, more about your lovely creations:

Pad-about Slippers (for the Discrete Woman)
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature
* Keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable. Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light day and Get out the Sand Bags











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[wrbones]

.

[wrbones]

: Mental Hospital


>
> > > Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while
> they
> > > were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
> the
> > > deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
> > > Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
> Jim
> > > out.
> > > When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he
> immediately
> > > ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered
> her
> > to
> > > be mentally stable.
> > > When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news &
> bad
> > > news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
> > able
> > > to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regain
> > your
> > > senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with
> his
> > > bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
> > > Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>
>
>
>

[wrbones]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every
year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like
to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane
ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris
said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that
airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50
dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you
a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay
quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't
charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and
dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks
over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the
pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out,
but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when
Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[wrbones]

There is this guy that was walking by an Insane Asylum one day and
he hears this chanting "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" and his
curiosity gets the best of him.

So he decides to look through a hole in the fence and as soon as he
puts his face up to the fence someone jabs him in the eye and as he
pulls away in pain he hears the crowd chant "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen"

[wrbones]

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty about it all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while, he'd hear his internal voices.

One of them said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last.

Besides, you're single. Let it go..."

But inevitably, the other voice would bring him back to reality saying,

"but Dave, you're a VET..."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wrbones]

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's
needin'".

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

T'was made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole fucking thing.

__________________________________________________

[wrbones]

>

> > A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He
> > approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost
> > my dad!"
> >
> > The cop asked, "What's he like?"
> >
> > The little boy replied, "Beer and pussy!"
> >
> >
>
>
>

[wrbones]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[nang]

That last one was cold! :ab:

[wrbones]

I thought it was funny! :D

[wrbones]

A talk with God
>
>A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the
>clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
>
> "God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
>
> God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
>
> The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
>
> God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
>
> The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
>
> God answered, "In a minute.

[wrbones]

>
> This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been
> sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver
> steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
>
> The poor little guy starts crying.
>
> "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
> "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
>
> "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
> can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting,
> so
> my boss fired me.
>
> When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no
> insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I
had
> forgotten my wallet in it.
>
> At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
>
> So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life,
and
> you show up and drink the damn poison."

[thedrifter]

SLEEPY MARINE....................................

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[wrbones]

>
>
>
>
> A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
> hurts
> > wherever she touches it.
> > Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and
> pushes
> her
> > elbow and screams
> > in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and
> screams.
> > Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
> >
> > The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she
> says,
> > "I'm actually a blonde."
> >
> > "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken".
>

[wrbones]

>
> A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart
of
> milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
>
> As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk
> standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the
> cashier.
> He said, "You must be single."
>
> The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on the
> belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said,
> "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?"
>
> The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."
>
>
>

[wrbones]

Subject: Happy Valentine from Bubba

Poem

Straight from L.A. (Lower Alabama)

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luvs you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo






__________________________________________________ __
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[wrbones]

Frank was excited about the new rifle he'd bought to take bear hunting this season. As soon as he got it he packed up and headed north to try it out. Right away he spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Almost immediately he felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to face a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin you shot, and I'm giving you two choices.... either I maul you to death or we have sex." After brief consideration, Frank decided it would be wisest to accept the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, located the black bear and shot it. Right afterward there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices..... either I maul you to death or we have sex." Again, Frank thought the best alternative was to cooperate. Although he survived the ordeal, it took several months before Frank finally fully recovered. Now thoroughly outraged he headed back to the woods, where he managed to track down the grizzly who had molested him and shot it. He was enjoying a feeling of sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and found a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[wrbones]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went
to the congregation and asked for a raise.


After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.


After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.


There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.


Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is
an act of God!"


Silence fell on the congregation.


In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too
much, we wear rubbers."




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[chilidog]

Bones,
Where do you get this stuff????

You keep me cracked up!

Chilidog

[wrbones]

Hey, Chilidog.

I get this stuff from fellow Marines and a certain retired Navy guy who hangs around here that I met on another board several months ago. I don't have time to go lookin' myself anymore. I just post the best jokes I get from those folks! LOL.

You oughta see the ones I can't post on an open forum! LOL

[wrbones]

Walking into the bar Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one,
Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you chickenshit!"






__________________________________________________ __
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[wrbones]

This happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even though
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in
the middle of a storm. It was late at night and no cars were passing. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. Without further
thought, he gets in the car. closes the car and when he turns to thank the
driver for stopping for him, he realizes there's nobody behind the wheel.

The car starts slowly down the road. The guy looks at the road ahead and
sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he closes his eyes and starts to pray
for his life. Just before the car reaches the curve, a hand appears thru
the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed with fear, watches how the hand appears every time they
come to a curve in the road.

Gathering his strength, he leaps from the car and runs to the nearest
town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of
tequila. He quickly tosses them back and starts telling everybody about
the horrible experience he's just been thru.

A silence envelopes the cantina when everybody realizes the guy is crying
and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walk into the same cantina and one says
to the other, "Look Pete, there's that idiot that got in the car when we
were pushing it.

[wrbones]

>
>
>The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
>Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at
>the end of it.
>
>The next day the kids came back and one by one began
>to tell their stories.
>
>"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
>
>"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt
>Karen. Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm and her
>plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy
>territory and all she had was a small flask of
>whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the
>whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then
>her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
>enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun
>until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with
>the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed
>the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
>
>"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind
>of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
>story?
>
>"Stay the f--k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
>
>__________________________________________________

[wrbones]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.

He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve
beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served
a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve
me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the
end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to !
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,
eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again
demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are
on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

.........You're gonna love this..........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."







__________________________________________________ __
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[nang]

cute, very cute :ab:

[wrbones]

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and
ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.

Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
taking place in a house just a block away.

The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back
and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who
might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all
day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that
he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the
garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still
flashing.

'True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.


.


__________________________________________________ __
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[wrbones]

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that
seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said,
You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit
there?". I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend
her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You
know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos
on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong
bitch out the window


__________________________________________________ __

[wrbones]

> >Two Hillbillies from Missouri walk into the local bar
>
> >to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer.
>
> >They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking
>
> >about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a
>
> >nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
>
> >cough.
>
> >After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is
>
> >in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her
>
> >and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head
>
> >no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue
>
> >and shakes her head. The hillbilly walks over to the
>
> >woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her
>
> >panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks
>
> >in a circular motion. the woman is so shocked, that
>
> >she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out
>
> >of her mouth.
>
> >As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
>
> >slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his
>
> >beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that
>
> >there "Hind Lick" maneuver, but I ain't never seen
>
> >nobody do
>
> >it."
>
>

[wrbones]

>
> > > > A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
> > > > not saying a
> > > > word.
> > > > An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> > > > neither of them wanted
> > > > to concede their position.
> > > > As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and
> > > > pigs, the husband
> > > > asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
> > > > "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
> > > >

[wrbones]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out
of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas
station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream
and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to
eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the
engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."

[wrbones]

> >
> >The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night
and
> >demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly
aroused
> >state, he readily agreed.
> >
> >This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30
years,
> >him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
> >
> >Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very
drunken
> >state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial
> >ruin
> >caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a
> >50 year old released executive.
> >
> >Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12
> >years
> >totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she
> >gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth
> >nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest
> >stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged
> >him
> >each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
> >
> >By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the
car.
> >She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,
"If
> >I
> >had only known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my
> >business!"
> >
> >

[wrbones]

The Latest Psychological Techniques

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

[wrbones]

A Gunnery Sergeant sent it to me......






IS THIS A CRAZY WORLD OR WHAT!!!!!

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century:

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! (IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?)

[wrbones]

Police warn all clubbers, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages

[nang]

Those were definitley a good batch this time. That "Hind Lick " one had me rolling on the ground. Made my day :u:

[wrbones]

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink, and if you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life."

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside a bar drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks," then he lowers his voice and says to the barman ".. and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that darn nun again is it?"

[wrbones]

THEY AREN'T ALL DUMB, ARE THEY?



A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game.

The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but
comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5.00, :D and goes back to sleep.

[wrbones]

Olympic Skier

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street, pronounced (Peek'aboo), is not just an athlete, she is also a nurse who currently works in the Intensive Care Unit (I.C.U.) of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is a fine nurse, however, Picabo is not permitted to answer the telephone because too much confusion ensue when she answers the phone and says...

(scroll down)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"Picabo, ICU".

[lurchenstein]

GMAO this evening.
Semper Fi ( a drum roll),
-Chris

[thedrifter]

Bill and Hillary



Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.

No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'

[thedrifter]

Banana Split



This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over and has BAD Arthritis.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please".

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts"?

The old man says, "No, Arthritis".

[thedrifter]

Headaches



Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," the doctor says.

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?"

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and sixteen and a half neck?"

Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" he asked.

"It's my job," the salesman said again.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure,"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, size nine and a half

Joe was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman repeated.

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, seven and five-eighths."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" Joe asked.

"It's my job," the salesman laughed.

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size thirty-six?"

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size thirty-four since I was eighteen-years-old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[thedrifter]

Computer-Illiterates



The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

[wrbones]

At a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
********************************************



Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.



"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

******************************************



An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.



A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the Irishman, "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

**********************************************



Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.



"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda...no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

****************************************



A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

******************************************



Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

[wrbones]

A wealthy tourist walks into an ancient curio shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike,
life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but it is
striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the
owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can
keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he
noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and
had begun to follow him down the street.

This was disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple
blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they were
squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats Now
numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming at him faster and
faster. Terrified he ran to the edge of the Bay, and hurled the bronze
rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats
jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned. The man walked back
to the curio shop.

"Aha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

>

[wrbones]

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his
face.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He
crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he
tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound
asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."





__________________________________________________ __
IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here

[thedrifter]

A wealthy man decides to go on a safari in Africa.
> > He takes his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day,
the
> > dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the
dachshund
> > discovers that he is lost.
> > So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
> > direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The
dachshund
> > thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
> > Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately
> > settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching
> > cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims
> > loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there
are any
> > more around here?"
> > Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a
look
> > of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says
> > the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
> >
> > Meanwhile, a monkey who has been watching the whole scene from a
> > nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it
> > for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the
dachshund
> > sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures
that
> > something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the
leopard,
> > spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.
> >
> > The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey
> > hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
> > canine."
> > Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his

> > back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
> > But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers,
> > pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get
close
> > enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent
him
> > off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
> >
> > SOMETIMES IF YOU CANT DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE THEN
> > BAFFLE THEM WITH BULL!

[thedrifter]

WIFE


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know...
Double Income, No Kids"

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich,Urban, Biker"

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."

[thedrifter]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman,
with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him
with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do
about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the
boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the
teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the
shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell
your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the
last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and
said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free
bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch
the expression on his face!"

[thedrifter]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
> piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
>
> Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
> up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited
> all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel
> and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized
> what was happening and cried horribly.
>
> Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads
> later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he
> saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something
> amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's
> neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake
> it off and take a step up.
>
> Pretty soon everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge
> of the well and trotted off. The Moral...
>
> Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
> getting out of a hole is to shake it off and take a step up.
>
> Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest
> holes just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a
> step up!
>
>
> Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
>
> 1. Free your heart from hatred.
>
> 2. Free your mind from worries.
>
> 3. Live simply.
>
> 4. Give more.
>
> 5. Expect less.
>
> O.K., that's enough of that B.S... The donkey later came back, caught
> the farmer out in the field and kicked the **** out of him. Then he went
> over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the **** out of them too
> for helping.
>
> The REAL Moral to the Story...
>
> When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

[thedrifter]

- THE BLONDE MYSTERY
Blonde and the Seven Ten Cap
Seven Ten Cap

The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

"What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said " I think you want an oil cap."

She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."

Yes, she was a blonde.

SCROLL DOWN

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http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/8698.jpg

[thedrifter]

Privates on Parade



Two generals, one from the Army and one from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general called over an airman.

"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder,' and then jump off!"

"Yes, SIR!" replied the airman.

He took off for the flagpole like a shot, scaled the pole, sang the anthem, saluted, and jumped off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismissed him.

"Now, that's bravery!" exclaimed the general.

"Bravery, nothing," snorted the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

"Yes, Sir!" replied the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down head first."

"Yes, SIR!" replied the private, who completed the task as directed.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!"

They looked at the Marine.

"Private!" he said.

"Yes, SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma,' put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snapped to attention, looked at the general and said, "To hell with you, sir."

The general turned to the others and said, "Now that's bravery!"

[wrbones]

>
> It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy
course and
he
> was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing the
upcoming shot, when
a
> piercing voice came over the clubhouse loud speaker.
"Would the
gentleman
> on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
>
> He could feel every eye on the course looking at him. He
was still deep
> in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
>
> Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee
kindly back up
> to the men's tee." He simply ignored the guy and kept
concentrating,
when
> once more, the man yelled:
>
> "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE,
PLEASE!!!"
>
>
> He finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse
window directly
> at the person with the microphone, cupped his hands and
shouted back,
> ........ "WOULD THE ASSHOLE IN THE CLUB HOUSE KINDLY SHUT
THE F%*K UP
AND
> LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!!!!"

[wrbones]

Back Seat Blonde

A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they
ended up parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out.
After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get
lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his
date, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.

Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed.
Things are getting really hot, so he asks again.

"Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even
has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.

"Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.

"NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"








__________________________________________________ __
IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here

[wrbones]

GOD said, "Go down into that valley."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river"

And Adam said "What's a river?"

And God explained it to him. He then said, "Go over the hill."

And Adam said, "What's a hill?"

And God explained it to him. Then he told Adam, "On the other side
of the hill you will find a cave."

And Adam said, "What's a cave?"

And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

And Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, And said "I want you to reproduce."

And Adam said, "How do I do that?"

So God explained it to him.

Adam then went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill,
into the cave, and he found the woman. In about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"





__________________________________________________ __
IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here

[wrbones]

Subject: Cajun Blonde Joke

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

Laying nearby were several more of the dead gators.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back and frustrated, shouts out "Dang it, this one's barefoot too!'

[lurchenstein]

Great batch o' grins Marines.
Semper Fi!

[wrbones]

: Puzzling

A blonde calls her boyfriends and says, "please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it is finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. "Let's have a beer, and then ........" he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[wrbones]

A Very Deep Hole


Two guys are walking through the woods and came across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

[wrbones]

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend has a huge penis.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are
in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim
replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller!
I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco??" Bob exclaimed, ....."No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!"
************************************************** *****

[wrbones]

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"

Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



__________________________________________________ __
IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here

[wrbones]

When does a boy become a man in Iraq?

When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.







__________________________________________________ __
IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here

[wrbones]

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and finds some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed
ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could
eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."




________________________________

[wrbones]

It's good to know that some pilots have a sense of humor. Here are some
conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The following
are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around
the world:

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but
get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't ! move till I tell
you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot
broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "! Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between ! Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't
stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One
o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
Overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is o! ur start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war!"






__________________________________________________ __

[wrbones]

An eldery gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for VIAGRA.

The pharmacist asked "how many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes......"

[wrbones]

LORENA BOBBITT'S SISTER ARRESTED
API - Clearwater Florida

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday
for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her
husband as her famous sister had done several years
ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as
Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed
her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle
and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in
serious, but stable condition. Luella has been
charged with one count of mis de wiener.




__________________________________________________ __

[wrbones]

>
> A Real Man's Chain Letter --
>
> This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to
> other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters,
> this one doesn't cost anything!
>
> Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who
> are equally tired and discontented.
>
> Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to
> the man whose name appears at the top of the following list,
> and add your name to the bottom of the list.
>
> When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.
> One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
>
> At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine has already received
> 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.
>
> REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
>
> One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy
> playmate.
>
> An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was
> able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood
> super model.
>
> You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
>
> One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.
>
> Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the bottom of the
> list below!
>
> Bill Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Billy Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Billie Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave

> New York, NY 10017
>
> B. Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> William Jefferson Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. Jefferson Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. Jeff Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. J. Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> William J Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Wilhelm Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Willie Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Will Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Mr. Hillary Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Mr. Slick Willie Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
>
>
>

[wrbones]

Actual quotes from kids
ages
> 8 to 15
>
> - "Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
> - "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer."
> Hannah, age 9
> - "When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
> Taylia, age 11
> - "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, age 14
> - "Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, age 13
> - "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. " Emily, age 10
> - "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
> assignment." Traci, age 14
> - "Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers." Mitchell,
age
> 12
> - "A puppy always has bad breath -- even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew,
> age 9
> - "Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, age 9
> - "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, age 9
> - "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, age 15
> - "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, age 9
> - "Don't pick on your little brother when he's holding a baseball bat."
> Joel, age 10
> - "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
> the phone." Alyesha, age 13
> - "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, age 11
> - "Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, age 8
>
>
> (>

[wrbones]

In these days when flying has become humorless, here's a short tale that may make you smile.
A plane was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. You could tell the man was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. It was obvious he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind guy replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a "Seeing Eye" dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only
tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Have a great day and remember.............
Things aren't always as they appear!

[wrbones]

> When you are sad,............. I will get you drunk and help you plot
> revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
>
> When you are blue,....... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
>
> When you smile,............ I'll know you finally got laid.
>
> When you are scared,......... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
>
> When you are worried,......... I will tell you horrible stories about how
> much worse it could be and to quit whining.
>
> When you are confused,........ I will use little words to explain it to
> your
> dumb ass.
>
> When you are sick......... Stay away from me until you're well again, I
> don't want whatever you have.
>
> When you fall...... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
>
> This is my oath............... I pledge till the end.
>
> Why you may ask?........ Because you're my friend.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

[wrbones]

> An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he
> called his grandson to his bed.
>
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna
> you take my chrome plated 38
> revolver so you will always remember me."
>
> But grandpa I really don't like guns, how
> about you leaving me your Rolex
> watch instead."

>"You lisina me, soma day you be runna da
> bussiness, you goina have
> beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and
> maybe a couple bambinos.
>
Soma day you coma home and finda you wife in
> bed with another man. Whata ya
> do then? Pointa to watch and say TIMES UP?"
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >
> >
> >
> >
>

[wrbones]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will." said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

[thedrifter]

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I?m ten minutes late?"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute? You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you?re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that?s true ? I?m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she?s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she?s lying on her back?"

George said, "That?s when I?m ten minutes late!"

[thedrifter]

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


__________________

[thedrifter]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the **** out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

[thedrifter]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[thedrifter]

The Secret Diary of a Cat
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

[thedrifter]

Rectum Stretcher
Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."

"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"
"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.

"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"

"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what?" asked the collector.
"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.
"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.
"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"

"...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."

"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?"

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."

[thedrifter]

The pop machine.
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

[wrbones]

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their
50th wedding anniversary.

"You know," she said, "we were probably sitting in the kitchen across from
each other 50 years ago."

"Yeah," he said, "but we were probably naked."

"So let's get naked now," she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

"You know," she said smiling lovingly, "my nipples feel just as hot for
you today as they were 50 years ago."

He replied, "I'm sure they are....one's in your coffee and the other's in
your oatmeal!"

[wrbones]

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the artist.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and
get some work done."

[thedrifter]

Dog Fight
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

Military Communication Exercise

General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense togather together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force to discover why the services have trouble communicating with each other. He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" a certain building, if each asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:

Tell those swabs to:

-- Unplug the coffeepots

-- Turn off the computers

-- Turn out the lights

-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:

-- Assemble the company

-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard

-- Take control of all exits

-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her

-- Assemble the platoon and supplies

-- Approach the building along three axes

-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire

-- Assault the building under covering fire

-- Sequester surviving prisoners

-- Establish lanes of fire

-- Prepare artillery calls

-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:

-- Contact real estate agent

-- Negotiate 1-year lease

-- Be sure to get option to buy

[thedrifter]

YOU MIGHT BE REDNECK IF .......
-- Your computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
-- You think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestling organization.
-- Someone tells You they're "locked up" and You ask if they need bail money.
-- You've ever been too drunk to chat.
-- Your screen saver is a confederate flag and plays Dixie.
-- You think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
-- Your mouse keeps knocking over your spitcan.
-- You think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
-- You keep trying to figure out why your scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
-- You think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
-- You have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
-- You stomach overlaps half of your keyboard.
-- You try to figure out how to get your empty beer cans into the recycling bin.
-- You try to turn on Your computer with the remote.
-- You try to figure out how Your floppy disk got hard.
-- You play Frisbee with your CD Rom's.
-- You find yourself on the floor looking into your "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
-- When birds fly across your screen an you reach for Your shotgun.
-- You put a mousetrap on your desk.
-- Your yard is full of old computers stacked on cinder blocks.
-- You use Your CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
-- You call tech support an ask where to buy stamps for your e-mail.
-- When You tern your computer on you say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."
-- You think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
-- You think 64 M RAM is a new big block engine for Your pickup.
-- You think ICQ is how smart your computer is.
-- Someone tells you that your computer has a bug an you reach for the can of Raid.
-- You think a mouse pad is where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
-- You go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
-- You think your homepage is where you really live.
-- You give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
-- You think MB stands for "More Beer."
-- You wait for the Bluelight special at K-Mart to buy your computer.
-- You see the word Download, and take the shells out of your shotgun.
-- You think the person that made your keyboard was dumb 'cuz the letters aren't in order.
-- You think pushing the delete key will make your ol' lady disappear.
-- You think CD stands for Cow Dung.
-- You think GIF stands for "Goodie It's Free."
-- You think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
-- You see the "shift" key and try to figure out how to change gears.
-- You wonder why your screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
-- You think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
-- You think Geocities is a place to buy little cars.
-- You catch yourself trying to smell the little flower on your ICQ contact list.
-- You think the "A drive" is where you park your pickup.
-- You see the word "Zip" and know why you were feeling a draft.
-- Your computer has a bumper sticker on it.
-- Part of Your computer is held together with duct tape.
-- You sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler for another beer.
-- Your in a chat room and someone asks where your from and you reply, "My momma."
-- You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.

[thedrifter]

Two Friends Play Golf on Saturday

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.

The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'

The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.'

The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.'

[wrbones]

Subject: Two Nuns and a Vampire

Two Nuns in Transylvania

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in

their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little vampire jumps onto the hood of the

car and hisses through the windscreen. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister

Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get

rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them

on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and continues hissing at

the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windscreen

washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windscreen washer. The vampire screams as the

water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister

Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and

shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"

[wrbones]

On a Wing and a Prayer
by Rick Reilly
(Note: Rick Reilly writes for Sports Illustrated)

Now this message for America's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have -- John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity . . . Move to Guam. Change your name.

Fake your own death. Whatever you do, do not go. I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting...." Remember?). Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said. "For the potassium?" I asked. "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot - but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, that was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious from the G-forces. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life.

Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80 minutes. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G-force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were Flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Greg Norman making a five-iron bite.

But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighter pilots had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked. . . . "Two Bags."

[thedrifter]

COMPUTERS


Jill Lange, a female computer consultant, was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password for login.

Wanting to embarrass Jill, he told her to enter "PENIS" as the password.

Without blinking an eye or saying a word, Jill entered the password as he had requested.

It was then that Jill nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:

PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

[thedrifter]

Olie and Sven were fishing one day when Sven

pulled out a cigar. Finding
he had no matches, he asked Olie for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he
replied. Then reaching into his
tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10
inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the
huge BIC lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olie, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven
asked.
"Yah, shure, right here in my tackle box," says
Olie.
"Could I see him?"
So Olie opens his tackle box and sure enough,
out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm
a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will.", says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie disappears back into the tackle box
leaving Sven sitting
there,waiting for his million bucks. Shortly,
the sky darkens and is
filled with the sound of a Million ducks, flying
overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells
at Olie, "I asked for a
million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"
Olie answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, Sven,
da genie is hard of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10
inch Bic?"

[thedrifter]

Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q. - How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q. - How many IUS folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - IUS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Ticket Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon
as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q. - How many Tech Support folks does it take to change
a light bulb?
A. - We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q. - How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.

Q. - How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q. - How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
problems.

Q. - How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

Q. - How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.

Q. - How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of
the light bulb box.

Q. - How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A. - It depends on how many burnt-out lightbulbs he brought with him.

Q: - How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: - One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: - How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: - Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Q: - How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: - None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry
standard.

[thedrifter]

What Exactly Is Marriage? (**)

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received
some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...

What Exactly Is Marriage??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give
her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to
the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at
least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one
particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering
what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to
find out."
-Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll
do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a
drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it
gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't
tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about
love."
-Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing
if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try
it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"
-Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7

[wrbones]

Art Linkletter said it right that kids do say the darndest things.



For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

T

he following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding)

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play-Do and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[nang]

Those were great, Bones. I bet ya, that the Mother that wrote those down, wouldn't trade anything for those times with her kids. Made me smile this sunny morning. :a:

[wrbones]

I try to post the good stuff! :D

When I first saw that, I laughed til I cried, then hadda to wipe my eyes so I could read the rest of it! LOL.

[thedrifter]

LOL@Bones..........



I Said the F-Word

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word."

The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven."

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

"Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy.

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole."

The priest said, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing putt!"

[thedrifter]

Joining the FBI

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.

I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

[thedrifter]

Mozart

A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, "Absolutely brilliant lovely oh, a fine fellow a genius, Mozart was."

The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No.5 bus going to South Padre Island."

There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, "We're leaving right now."

In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, "You?re really mad about something aren't you?"

"How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!"

[wrbones]

Two Iranians met in California. One started to greet the other in the language of their native country.

The other Iranian waved him away
contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Come to think of it...maybe that wasn't so funny....

[wrbones]

> >
> >
> > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > > > > At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year
old.
> > > > > > >Since
> > > > > > >her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
> > > wedding
> > > > > she
> > > > > > >and
> > > > > > >Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned
> > > that
> > > > > her
> > > > > > >>new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend
the
> > > entire
> > > > > > >night
> > > > > > >>together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares
> > herself
> > > > for
> > > > > > >bed
> > > > > > >>and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock
> > > comes,
> > > > the
> > > > > > >door
> > > > > > >>opens, and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready
for
> > > > action.
> > > > > > >They
> > > > > > >>unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his
bride,
> > and
> > > > she
> > > > > > >prepares to go to sleep.
> > > > > > >>After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
> > bedroom
> > > > door,
> > > > > > >and
> > > > > > >>it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat
> > > > surprised
> > > > > > >Lou
> > > > > > >Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are
done,
> > > Morris
> > > > > > >kisses
> > > > > > >>his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
> > > > > > >>She is set to go to sleep again, but aha, you guessed it -
> > > Morris
> > > > is
> > > > > > >back
> > > > > > >>again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year
old
> > > ready
> > > > for
> > > > > > >more
> > > > > > >>"action." And once again they enjoy each other.
> > > > > > >>But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says
> to
> > > him:
> > > > "I
> > > > > > >am
> > > > > > >>thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so
well
> > > and
> > > > so
> > > > > > >often.
> > > > > > >>I have been with guys less than a third of your age who
were
> > only
> > > > good
> > > > > > >once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat
> > > > > > >embarrassed,
> > > > > > >>turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > >

[wrbones]

I understand this snake!

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seed a snake wit a big frog in his mout.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, hit be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.

But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried hit's mout open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux
knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or hit's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into
de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour a couple of
draps into de snakes mout.

Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in hits haid and hits body go limp. Wit dat Boudreaux toss's
dat snake into de bayou. den he goes back to fishin.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare
dat water mocassin was with two frogs in his mout.

[wrbones]

>
>
>
>
>
> >There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the
> > > >
> > > >sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
> > > >
> > > >He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked
> on
> > > >
> > > >the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy
> > > >
> > > >and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one
> > > >
> > > >of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not
> > > >
> > > >leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told
> him to
> > > >
> > > >come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
> > > >
> > > >He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course
> > > >
> > > >the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about
> having
> > to
> > get
> > > >
> > > >shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
> > > >
> > > >Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
> it,
> > > >
> > > >the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed
> down
> > the
> > > >
> > > >hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
> > > >
> > > >Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
> > Madam,
> > > >
> > > >and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why
> did
> > > >
> > > >you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one
> of
> > the
> > others?"
> > > >
> > > >He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
> parents
> > are
> > > >
> > > >going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
> > baby-sitter.
> > > >
> > > >After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
> just
> > happens
> > > >
> > > >to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
> that
> > > >
> > > >I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the
> baby-sitter
> > > >
> > > >home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll
> > > >
> > > >catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the
> baby-sitter's,
> > > >
> > > >he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In
> > > >
> > > >the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
> milk,
> > > >
> > > >have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the
> > > >
> > > >son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG
>
>

[wrbones]

Time goes bye and life changes but good advice is always
good advice.........


This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. My long-dead grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce.


The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said,

"Son . . . don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."

[wrbones]

A friend of mine who teaches in Connecticut informed me of
fellow teacher who was arrested for carrying a compass,
two rulers, and a protractor.



It seems that he belongs to a terrorist group known as Al Gebra.
They are suspected of distributing weapons of math instruction!!!

[thedrifter]

An Aussie Writes A Letter To Dear Abby:
Dear Abby,
Should I Confess?
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994,the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an HIV. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fianc?e utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin addiction.
My problem is this: I love my fianc?e and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her before we marry.
Should I tell her that my brother-in-law had sex with Monica Lewinski ??

[thedrifter]

D.I. Inspection:

D.I.: What's that on your face private?
Private: Sir, Blood, Sir.
D.I.: Where did it come from private?
Private: Sir, Shaving, I cut myself shaving, Sir.
D.I.: Private did I give you permission to bleed?
Private: Sir, NO, Sir!
D.I.: Then STOP!!


__________________

[thedrifter]

NOT Stupid:
After a fire started in a downtown hotel four of the guests found the exit downstairs blocked by fire. The guests consisted of an Army Captain, a Navy Captain, an Air Force Col. and a young Marine 2nd Lt.
Surrounded by the fire, the four went up to the roof.
The fire truck soon arrived and the firemen held out a net and yelled up "Ok Ground Pounder, jump!"
The Army Captain responded, "I am an Officer and Gentlemen in the United States Army and you will address me as such."
The firemen yelled back, "Ok, Captain, sir, jump!"
The Captain jumped, the firemen moved the net, and the Captain splattered all over the ground.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Swabbie, jump!"
The Navy Captain yelled back "I graduated from the Naval Academy and you will show respect."
The firemen yelled up "Ok, sir, jump!" again the firemen moved the net and yet another splat.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Flyboy, jump!" The Air Force Col. yelled back "I am a top ace in the Air Force and I deserve some respect."
The firemen said "Ok, pilot sir, jump!" They again moved the net and another big splat.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Jarhead, jump!"
The Young Marine 2nd Lt. yelled down "I'm not stupid like those other guys, you're not moving the net on me. Before I jump put that net on the ground and step back three paces."

[thedrifter]

Marines On Vacation:
Two Marines were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."

When he returned to the lake, he found the Marines proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you Marines only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's NO WAY the plane can take off with that much weight!"

"You're just a chicken pilot," one Marine said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."

Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered.

"All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."

They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.

Some time later, the Marines regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.

His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."


__________________

[VIETNAM 1968]

Three Traveling Salesmen die on the same day and approach the Gates of Heaven. The first person they meet is Saint Peter who tells all three that people in Heaven are rated by the type of Car they are given when they first enter Heaven. The BETTER THE CAR, THE BETTER THE PERSON WAS WHILE ALIVE.




Saint Peter then asked the First Traveling Salesman how long he had been married. The First Traveling Salesmen then replied: "Forty Years". Saint Peter then asked the Salesman how many times he had Cheated on his Wife. The First traveling Salesman stated: "JUST ONCE"

Saint Peter then told the First Traveling Salesman that his behavior had been almost perfect and told the Salesman that he would be driving a Roles Royce for eternity. The first Traveling Salesman then gets in his BRAND NEW Roles Royce and started driving all around Heaven.




Saint Peter then asked the Second Traveling Salesman how long he had been married. The Second traveling Salesmen then replied:"Thirty-eight" Years". Saint Peter then asked the Salesman how many times he had Cheated on his Wife. The Second Traveling Salesman stated "FIFTEEN TIMES".

Saint Peter then told the Second Traveling Salesman that his behavior was not as good as the First Traveling Salesman so he would be driving a Chevrolet Caprice for eternity. The Second Traveling Salesman then gets into his BRAND NEW Chevrolet Caprice and started driving all around Heaven.




Saint Peter then asked the Third Traveling Salesman how long he had been married. The Third Traveling Salesman then replied: "Forty-one years". Saint Peter then asked the Salesman how many times he had Cheated on his Wife. The Third Traveling Salesman stated: "ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY TIMES"

Saint Peter then told the Third Traveling Salesman that his behavior was a lot worse then either the First or Second Traveling Salesman so he would be driving a small Volkswagen Rabbit for eternity. The Third Traveling Salesman then gets into his BRAND NEW Volkswagen Rabbit and started driving all around Heaven.




After a brief time the Second Traveling Salesman and the Third Traveling Salesman then encountered the First Traveling Salesman stopped at the side of the road. The First Traveling Salesman was crying his eyes out and very emotional.

The Second Traveling Salesman then asked the First Traveling Salesman what could possibly be bothering him so much, as he had a NEW ROLES ROYCE and the other two only had a NEW CHEVROLET CAPRICE and a NEW VOLKSWAGEN RABBIT. After all, the Roles Royce was a very beautiful car and the First Traveling Salesman had only cheated on his wife ONCE in Forty Years.




The First Traveling Salesman then cried out, "I know: But I just saw MY WIFE drive by ON A SECOND HAND MOPED.

:a:
:cd:

[thedrifter]

Some Military Rivalry:
Two Navy Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas,
headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in
the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Marine from Force Recon got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Marine kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the
window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone, the Seal picked up the Marine boot and spit in
it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Seal
said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he
was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the
short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into
his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Marine asked. "This
fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in boots and ****ing in cokes?"

Sitting behind them was a Green Beret who began laughing uncontrollable about the situation. So the 2 Navy Seals and The Marine from Force Recon picked up the Green Beret carried him back to the toilet and stuff his head into the toilet bowl and flush it. One of the Navy Seals said, yeah I agree, how long is this animosity going to continue, these Green Beret?s embarrass us all walking around with tinted blue faces and smelling like **** all the time.

[thedrifter]

Ski Pee


One of the women in the ski group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and into another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

It was the damdest thing you ever saw, he said, I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So how'd you break your arm?"

[thedrifter]

Silent Gas

So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas and she went to the doctor and she said,

"This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?"

He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."

[thedrifter]

Nun's Practical Joke

Three nuns were talking.......

The first nun said "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines"

"What did you do?", the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?", they asked

"I poked holes in all of them!", she replied.

The third nun fainted.

[wrbones]

> > > >
> > > > Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first
>Diamondbacks
> > > > baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball
> > park.
> > > > The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely
> > > > mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the
> > > > bottle
> > > > is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based on the
> > > > given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > You're gonna love this
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded........
> > > >
> > > >
> > >

[thedrifter]

Not a joke.....but enjoyed this little story,.......

just makes us men think what we do for women.......LOL



The Wedding Zinger

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Bit of Humor by Peter McKay



Jun 1, 2003

The New York wedding this past weekend was an elegant affair, with the reception held in a modernist hall at the Museum of Natural History. I had actually bought a new tie for the occasion, and my wife purchased a new designer dress. The one thing I didn't count on was that with all those antiquities in the museum building, there would also be, to my horror, metal detectors. As I waited in line to go through the machine, I glared at my wife, vowing revenge.

This wedding was a big deal, as we very rarely go out for a night on the town that involves getting seriously dressed up. (My wife complains that most places I take her don't even require shoes.) My wife bought her aqua designer dress on eBay at a steep discount. It was beautiful, from one of those designers whose names I am supposed to recognize but never do. But because the dress was such a big deal, all the accessories had to be, too. (The hunt for an appropriate pair of matching shoes was, no exaggeration, endless. It took almost as long for my wife to find footwear as it took Stanley to find Livingston.)

She also bought, on eBay again, an antique metal purse, which she proudly displayed to me one day when I got home from work. (The purse looked a lot bigger on the Internet, shot in extreme close up. When delivered, the actual purse turned out to be about 2 inches by 3 inches, big enough to hold maybe a Tic Tac box or possibly a deck of cards, if you took out the face cards and both Jokers. My wife declared it "cute.")

The shopping for this event went down to the wire, as we scoured New York shops. One of the last purchases, made just hours before the wedding, was a new "push-up" bra. We ran back to our hotel room to get changed with only a few minutes to spare. As I was tying my tie, my wife gasped from across the hotel room.

"What?" I said.

She turned to me and grimaced. The new push-up bra worked well -- so well, in fact, that it pushed her up out of her somewhat low-cut aqua dress and into the public eye. She could keep under control, she said, if she kept adjusting every two or three minutes, but it would be a struggle.

"What do you think?" she asked, frowning.

Now, as a husband with almost 20 years' experience under my belt, I have learned that situations like this are a minefield. (Never, never, ever offer criticism of your wife's appearance and especially not right before a big fancy event. I am still living down the "Perm of 1986.") But I also knew, without any doubt, that if she left the hotel with that bra on, she'd be sorry. She sort of resembled our toaster at home when the English muffins are done.

"Your decision," I said, "but don't blame me!" I left to go wait for her in the lobby.

The whole way through the wedding ceremony, the congregation kept its eyes on the bride and groom. My wife and I, however, kept glancing down at her chest, which seemed to believe we were attending a coming out party.

After the ceremony, my wife, fed up with trying to keep herself in check, whispered that she was running to the ladies' room. She returned a moment later, clutching the overzealous bra in her fist.

"Here!" she whispered. "Put it in your suit pocket!"

I took a step back. "No!" I said. "Put it in your purse!"

She held up her teeny tiny purse and frowned at me. What with her lipstick, it was filled to the brim. I glared at her, took an angry glance around, and then stuffed the piece of offending lingerie into my suit coat breast pocket. The whole way to the reception, I kept trying to adjust my jacket. With the big lump under one arm, I looked like my wife's bodyguard instead of her husband.

A half hour later, as we stood in the security line at the museum, I watched as my wife handed the guards her teeny tiny metal purse, smiled at me and then breezed through the metal detectors. I held back, suddenly freezing as I reached into my breast pocket and felt my underwire bra.

"Sir?" the guard said. "Please step forward and place all metal objects in the tray."

It was a true dilemma. I could either attempt to sneak through security and hope that I wouldn't set off the alarm, or I could, in front of all these people, admit that I had come to the reception packing a push-up bra.

I stepped forward, knowing that I'd have to turn over my bra. I needed it back, though, as it would be perfect to strangle my wife with.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter McKay is an attorney and writer from Pittsburgh, PA. He grew up (actually just got older) in Chicago, Philadelphia and Florida, and graduated from Penn State University as an English major. He has recently published Welcome to the Nuthouse!, a collection of columns that chronicles a year in the life of a typical suburban family


? 2003 Creators Syndicate, Inc.

[Artist (brit)]

How do you confuse a Queer?

Purple.

Aye Artist (Brit)

[wrbones]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
> >her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her
> >boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for
> the first time.
> >
> >Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a
> >trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy
> >for about thirty minutes. He tells the boy everything there is to know
> >about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy
> >how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack.
> >
> >"I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.
"I
>
> >intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice." The
pharmacist,
> >with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather
busy,
>
> >with it being his first time and all.
> >
> >That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
> >girlfriend at the door.
> >
> >"Oh I'm so e
>xcited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes
> >inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are
> >seated.
> >
> >The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
and
>
> >the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and
> >still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head
> >down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
> >
> >"I had no idea you were this religious."
> >
> >The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
> >pharmacist."

[thedrifter]

Nothing tougher than Sea Duty

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Marine Corps Gunny are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Marine Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures ... all shore duty."

[thedrifter]

Marines vs Airbornes

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked an Airborne Ranger Staff Sergeant dressed in his class "A" Army uniform, replete with a chest full of combat medals and various other Army decorations and devices. The little boy turned to the Ranger and said, "Wow! Are you an Army Airborne Ranger?" The Ranger replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?" "Boy, would I," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was much more than "just" a man. He was a Marine Private, freshly out of recruit training.

The little boy turned and went over to the Marine. As he approached him, he could see his own reflection in the highly spit-shined shoes of the young Marine. His eyes widened as he stared up at the United States Marine in his dress green uniform with a shooting badge on his left chest. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you a Marine?" The Marine replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am, young man!! Would you like to shine my shoes?" The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not really in the Army Airborne, sir, I'm just wearing his hat !!!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

sent to me by my sis...Cas.......

CALENDAR OF NUDE POLICE OFFICERS

Don't forget that there are both male and female
police officers!!! Check out the link below...
you'll be surprised!

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

[wrbones]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he
said. "Have you thought it out completely" "Sure," his young son
answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.
It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the
night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step
on it!"

[wrbones]

Twin sisters at a nursing home were turning one hundred years old. The

editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and

take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of

hearing and the other could hear very well. Once the photographer arrived,

he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.




The near-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other one.



"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.



Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled

up close to each other.



"Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little," said the

photographer.



Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"



With a big grin the near-deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD -- BOTH OF US?"

[SuperScout]

Every morning, the old Cavalry sergeant rode out of the fort, and was greeted by an older Apache, sitting by the gate,wrapped in his blanket, staring forlornly ahead. As the Cav trooper approached, the old Apache raised his right hand, middle finger extended and pointing straight up, and then into a horizonal position.

This bazaar greeting occurred daily for about a week, and finally the old Cav trooper could stand it no longer. He reined his horse to a stop in front of the old Apache warrior and said, "Hey, Cochise, I know we beat your people a long time ago, and I know you're still pissed about it, but what's the meaning of this finger stuff every morning?"

The veteran of the Apache wars said, pointing his finger in vertical then horizonal fashion, "This phuck you, and the horse you rode in on!"

[wrbones]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a
Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates
the autopilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't
like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "Why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ... doesn't matter, you're all
alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all
same!"

[wrbones]

A Wife's Needs

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly Increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
And slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete flyover. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.
No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he enquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

[wrbones]

SERGEANTS

Two old boys from the Mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted
from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk
and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me
stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants
now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a
bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in
the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me
the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big
okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible
case of gonorrhea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the
privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

[SuperScout]

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

[wrbones]

Subject: Lone Ranger & Tonto



> > > >The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
> > >
> > > >After they got their tent set up, they fell asleep.
> > >
> > > >Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend
> > >
> > > >and says, "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
> > >
> > > >Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
> > >
> > > >"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.
> > >
> > > >Tonto ponders for a minute, then says," Astronomically speaking,
> > >
> > > >it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
> billions
> > >
> > > >of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time
> > >
> > > >wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
> > >
> > > >Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
> > >
> > > >small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
> > >
> > > >beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
> > >
> > > >The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says,
> > >
> > > >"Tonto, you dumb shit, someone has stolen our tent."
> >

[MarineAO]

May the fleas of one thousand camels

infest the crotch of the person

who fucks up your day, and

may their arms be too

short to scratch!

[wrbones]

My neighbor found out her schnauzer dog could hardly hear so she took
it to the veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and
the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this
from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must
know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[SuperScout]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,"What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[wrbones]

There was an old gal wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco,
Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached. "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am
calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old woman answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're
out
in public."

"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?"


"Lard ass."

[wrbones]

A Valley Girl, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handywoman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do."Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The Valley Girl, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials she might need were in the garage.

His wife overheard the conversation and asked,"Does she realize that porch goes all the way around the house?"
"She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb Valley Girl e-mail jokes we've been receiving." A short time later, the Valley Girl came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked."Yes," the Valley Girl replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats." Impressed, the man handed her the $50.00.

"And, oh -- by the way," the Valley Girl added, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW."

[thedrifter]

The old "Gunny" was getting to be an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.

Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning Gunny", or "Are we ready for a bath", or "Are we hungry?"

The old Gunny had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, after he had received breakfast, he pulled the juice off the tray and put it on his bed side stand. He had also been given a Urine Bottle the evening before to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So..... you know where the juice went.

Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today Gunny....."

At this, the old Gunny snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted...... The old Gunny just smiled......

[thedrifter]

"Alligator Shoes"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.



After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"



The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."



So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.



Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.



One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

[thedrifter]

Gate Guard



One day, four young military warriors turn up outside the pearly gates. St.Peter explained that before these warriors could pass they must answer one simple question.

Up walked the first guy.

St. Peter asked, "What's 2+2?"

The 1st warrior answered: "3"

"NO" said St. Peter.

"5" ?

NO" said St. Peter.

"4"

"Yes, in you go!"

Up comes the second warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

He answered, "The Square root of 16."

Very impressed St. Peter allows him past.

Up comes the third warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

"It's greater than 2."

"Yes"

"But less than 6"

"Yes"

"It's greater than 3"

"Yes"

"But less than 5"

"Yes"

"It's 4"

"Well done; in you go!"

Up comes the fourth warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

"It's 5, Ooo-Rahhhhh!!!" and with no pause he barges past St. Peter and in through the pearly gates.

Observing all this, an angel asked St. Peter, "What was all that about?"

St. Peter answered, "It's perfectly obvious: there must be a war on earth, and those four men were all military officers who have been killed."

"How can you tell they were officers?" inquires the angel.

"The first guy was a Navy engineer, dumb as seaweed and crude as mud, but he kept hammering away until he got through."

"The second guy was an Air Force pilot, who gave me more information than I really required."

"The third guy was in Army artillery, who was uncomfortable with any firm answer, but was bracketing to zero in on the correct answer."

"But what about the fourth guy?" inquired the angel. "He got it wrong, and then tore through the gates anyway."

"Ahh," said St. Peter, "that was the Marine -- dumber than dirt, but you've just gotta love 'em."

[wrbones]

----
In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there" said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl.

Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern! It seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Ya reckon the light's attractin 'em?"

[wrbones]

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he
had been wearing his seat belt, he just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who looked at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

[wrbones]

> >
> >
> > A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
> > "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little
> > boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then
he
> > came back in for lunch and asked his grandma,
> > "where's Mom and Dad?" and
> > she replied "they're still up in bed."
> > Again the little boy started to giggle and he
> > ate his lunch and went out to play.
> > Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his
> > grandma, "where's mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're
still
> > up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked,
> > "what gives?" Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to
> > laugh! What is going on here? The little boy replied, well last night
> > daddy came into my bedroom and asked for the
> > Vaseline and I gave him the super glue."
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>

[wrbones]

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the
kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner
than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the
toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic
shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off
they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his
wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor,
have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied. "But never framed."

[thedrifter]

The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up
to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a
bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is
open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was
that told him
about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with
her.

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open
did
you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (being smarter than a man...of course) thought for a moment and
said,
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two
duffel bags.

[thedrifter]

Stumpy Legged Pink Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, ?Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.?
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, ?Say what breed is that anyway??

The owner says, ?Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.?

[thedrifter]

Adjacent Seats


Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ****?"

[thedrifter]

Baked Beans


A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[thedrifter]

You See That Indian?

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

[thedrifter]

Out in the Woods

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"

[wrbones]

>
> Subject: Ever hopeful
>
>
> > CROSSING A DONKEY WITH AN ONION
> >
> > What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
> > Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
> > but every once in a while you luck out .............
> > ...............and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
> >
>

[wrbones]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>
>Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
>Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
>Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
>Officer: Don't have one?
>
>Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
>Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
>Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
>Officer: Why not?
>
>Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
>Officer: Stole it?
>
>Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
>Officer: You what?
>
>Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
>see.
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
>for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
>officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half!
>drawn gun.
>
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
>out of her vehicle.
>
>Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
>Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>
>Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
>Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The
>woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
>Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
>stunned.
>
>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
>the officer.
>The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
>license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
>owner.
>
>Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
>

[wrbones]

>
>
> A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for rectum deodorant.
>
> The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.
>
> Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
>
> "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
>
> "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
>
> "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.
>
> "Yes," said the blonde. "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the
container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
>
> Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
>

[wrbones]

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble
photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite
some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the
Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see lawyers rushing to the scene

[wrbones]

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years."

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color is it now?"

[wrbones]

> >
> >
> > A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky
> > > but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed
with
> > > her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her
> > > mouth.
> > >
> > > She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my
> > > mouth?"
> > >
> > > He says, "Two aspirin."
> > >
> > > She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
> > >
> > > He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear".
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>

[wrbones]

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

[wrbones]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the
door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found
your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"


The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can
splash it in my eyes."

[wrbones]

>
> A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
> everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of
> the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each,
> before they enter paradise.
>
> They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
>
> I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
>
> The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
>
> Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
> while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
> laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
> floor, laughing his ass off.
>
> Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy
> calms down and says:
>
> "Make 'em all ugly again"

[wrbones]

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[wrbones]

But I'd sure as hell keep an eye on him if he worked for me!

A Quick Thinker


A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from Canada!"

"Get outta here!!!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[wrbones]

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes
across a naked man standing in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says,
"How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

[wrbones]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Hey, bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender says, "Yah, as a matter of fact, we do. We have a new drink invented by a gynecologist who comes in here all the time. It's a mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Geez, what the heck is that?"







The Bartender says, "I'm not sure, but we call it a Pabst Smir..."

[wrbones]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this cogregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued. "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgressions."

Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

[thedrifter]

Now we all are going to look at him another way.....

http://www.hpphoto.com/servlet/LinkPhoto?GUID=e3655fc9-4bf9-1fa5-c531-490245aa6779&size=lg

[thedrifter]

Family Skeletons

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

[thedrifter]

Farm Horse


An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[thedrifter]

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[thedrifter]

Farmer Muldoon's Dog


A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."