Evening Humor

[82Rigger]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process,
told him that he would now need to enter a password ...
Something he will use to log on.


The husband was

in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try
for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in


P...E...N...I...S






His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:







***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Advisor]

OUCH!!!:D

[Jerry D]

(LOL) :p

[SuperScout]

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting
on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, " and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, but cold and harsh, while southern Europe is going to be poor, but sunny and pleasant. I have made some lands
abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot, while this one is very cold and covered in ice."

The archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and asked, "what's that one?"

"Ah", said God, "that's Texas.....the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, streams, hills, and forests. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, intelligent, and humorous and they will be found traveling all over the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high achieving. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped is wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about the balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God replied wisely, " Wait until you see the idiots I put in Austin!"

[SuperScout]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey, Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I am chure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to me".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert,don't forget." "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis m i amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush!"

[Jerry D]

(LOL) :D

[Jerry D]

"RETIREMENT BONUS"

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what
those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to
be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the
tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man
that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the
previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and
they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the
Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape
measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam"
:c:

[82Rigger]

LOL! :D

Hope none of our vets here are eligible for such a check!

[goodnessgracie]

Ow!Ow!Owww!

Jerry,

Gotta hand it to ya, I read that one out loud to everyone in this internet cafe.

Now, being a woman of my word, here's the Auburn joke I promised months ago...


Many moons ago, back when Pat Dye (a Georgia alum) was coaching at Aw-bun, it was the annual Alabama-Auburn game. There were but a few seconds left in the game, and Aw-bun was trailing by 3, it was fourth down, and Aw-bun had the ball at the Bama 3.

Pat Dye decides to turn this one over to the Lord. He says,"Lord, should we kick the field goal to tie, or run right and go for the touchdown?" (I believe Bo Jackson was there at the time.)

The Lord, from on high, tells him,"Run right and go for the touchdown".

So Bama's defense blitzes, stops Aw-Bun in the backfield, the clock winds down, game over, Bama WINS!!!

Pat Dye, disgruntled, looks back to the heavens and ask, "Well, Lord, if you knew that if we ran right and went for the touchdown we would lose, why did you tell me to do that?"

The Lord looks to his right and asks,"Well, Bear, Why did we tell him...."

[SuperScout]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Robert J Ryan]

Thank you for the laugh I sure have needed one.

[MarineAO]

In a recent University study of how feel wiminns feel bout their as*es, the results were surprising:

85% of wiminns felt that their As*es was 2 fat

10% of wiminns felt their As*es was 2 skinny,

the remaining 5% felt their As*es was ok, they love him anyway and would have married him anyway

[Advisor]

Whose side are you on?????

[Jerry D]

Gracie and Brice those were some good ones :)

[revwardoc]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

[SuperScout]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football .. and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants -- all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"

[revwardoc]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

[revwardoc]

A married couple climb in to bed one night. The husband is feeling rather amorous so he slides over to his wife's side of the bed and begins a bit of foreplay.

She says, "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to be fresh for it."

Undaunted, the husband asks, "Do you have a dentists appointment, too?"

[Jerry D]

Thats a good one Brice :D

[SuperScout]

NEW WORDS FOR 2006:

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a
Deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

[SuperScout]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you
three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time, BRING POSSE!"

[Robert J Ryan]

Very good loved it Super scout, hell the lone ranger isn't even sacred any more.

[reconeil]

Awe-come-on,...Robert.
You begrudging The Lone Ranger having
a little: "POSSE" now & then?
Where's the harm? "Man does not live on bread alone".

Neil

P.S. All of You,
Thanks for some truly good chuckles, here.

[goodnessgracie]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and
one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out
of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority,
figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such
a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the
cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says, "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like
they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up,
slapped my wife on the ass and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a
great morning for either sex or golf", and she said,
"Take a sweater."

[goodnessgracie]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency
room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the
blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit
suicide by shooting your finger off? " "No, Silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid
$6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the
chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth,
and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm
not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my
ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my
finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[goodnessgracie]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.



On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.



While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."



The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"



"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.



On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."



The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"



The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[SuperScout]

A nice, calm, and respectable looking lady walked into the pharmacy. She went right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

At that point, the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[DeadlyDaring]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,'
the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!'

[colmurph]

Billy Bob is sitting on his porch overlooking the bayou one morning and sees his neighbor Jeb poling his pirogue down stream. Watcha doin Jeb? he yells and Jeb says I gots me some Duck Tape and I'm gwine to go catch some ducks! Billy Bob replies ' You ijut...can't ketch ducks with duck tape! But two hours later Jeb poles back up with his pirogue full of ducks.
The next day Bily Bob spots him and says "watch you got today?" and Jeb says "gots me some cats and iz gwin cat fishin!" Billy Bob says "ijit!, cant catch cat fish with cats!" but sure enough 2 hours later Jeb poles back up the bayou with a oat load of catfish.

The next morning when Billy Bob ses him he says "What you got today?" and Jeb answers "I gots some pussy willow." and Billy Bob says "Hold on, I'll get my hat!"

[DeadlyDaring]

Maybe a wee bit ruff for the inocent:p:p

The VOODOO PENIS
A London businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!'

The husband said 'The what'?
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anythin g to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me...'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my arse...!'
The rest, as they say, is history....

[DeadlyDaring]

Flat Stomach

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..


The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'


The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'


'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.


'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.


'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'
http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/6470.png http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/6471.png

[STYCK]

A couple was celebrating their GOLDEN wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay,Jamaica..Their domestic tranquilty had long been the talk of the town.
People would say........"What a peacefuland loving couple"

The local newpaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret to their long and happy marriage....

The Husband replied:
" well...I guess it dates back to our honeymoon in America"

as he explained..."we visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona...and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse.
We hadn't gone too far when my wifes horse stumbled and she ALMOST fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said...
"That's once"

We had proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again..
Again quietly she said"That's twice"

We hadn't gone a half mile when the horse stumbled for the third time..
My wife calmly pulled a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her"WHATS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN?Why did you shoot the poor animal like that are you*+%$**@ crazy???"

She looked at ME and said.....THAT'S ONCE......

And..."From that moment we've lived happily ever after"

[namvet]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
__________________

[namvet]

The 2012 Pelosi GTxi SS/RT Sport Edition

YouTube - The 2012 Pelosi GTxi SS/RT Sport Edition

[STYCK]

http://gmy.news.yahoo.com/v/12107144

[STYCK]

You gotta love NASCAR & OBama's way to Stimulus Packages and taking care of our poor.
Subj: Jeff Gordon fires his pit crew

*NASCAR NEWS...* Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew This announcement
followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to
employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less
than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew
could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech
equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's
management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon
got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew
able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they
had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to
Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff
Gordon's wife in the shower.
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

[STYCK]

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[STYCK]

They can also get a complimemtry t shirt....

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[STYCK]

I started reading this the other day and laughed SO hard I was almost cryin...



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[STYCK]

ain't gonna be a good sign HUH???:D

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[STYCK]

1.Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a Persimmon tree that will support a 10 lb Possum...
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard:
A) 66' Ford Fairlane
B) 69' Chevrolet Chevelle
C) 64' Pontiac GTO
3.If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour....
how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product...
4.A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 RPM.The density of the pine trees in
a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.
The lot is 2.3 acres in size.
The average tree diameter is 14 inches.
How many Budweiser Tall Boys will it take to cut the trees...
5.If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R 12 simultaneously,what would be the the
decrease in the ozone layer....
6.A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch centers with a field rock foundation.
The span is 8 feet and the porch is 16 feet.The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine.
When the porch collapses,how many hound dogs will be killed.
7.A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%.
The man has 5 children.Can each of the children place a mobile home on the mans land...
8.A 2-ton puplwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45mph.
The brakes fail.
Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads:
How many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain...
For extra credit:
How many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked wind shields...
9.A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1 Division 2 Hazardous Area.
The mine employs 120 miners per shift
A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd Shift.
How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift
10.How many generations will it take before cattle develop shorter than the others because of grazing
along a mountain side.

[STYCK]

Cards we would like to send...to those we have a tendenacy to dislike...

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hellwas I thinking

11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

17. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

18. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

[STYCK]

When a man steals your wife,there is no better revenge than to let him keep her
David Bissonette

After marriage,husband and wife become two sides of a coin;they just can't face each other,but they still stay together...
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry.If you get a good wife,you'll be happy.If you get a bad one,you'll become a philosopher
Socretes

Woman inspires us to great things,and prevents us from doing them
Anonymous

The great question...which I have not been able to answer...is...'What does a woman want.
Dumas

I had some words with my wife,and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.We take time to go to a restruant two times a week.A little
candleight,music,soft music and dancing...She goes on Tuesdays,I go on Fridays
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds faster than electronic banking.It's called marriage
Sam Kinson

I've had bad luck with both of my wives..The first one left me..and the second one didn't
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1.When your wrong..admit it 2.Whenever your right..shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wifes birthday is to forget it once
Nash

You know what I did before I got married...anything I wanted to
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy fo twenty years...Then we met
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classfieds:'Wife wanted'.The next day he recieved a hundred letters.They all said the same...'You can have mine'
Anonymous

[Stick]

"When Man is within view of Woman,
the Man is assignable!"

[STYCK]

During a practical exercise during Military Police AIT, the instructor was giving the class instructions in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

[STYCK]

:eek::eek::eek:

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Army husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

[STYCK]

Difference Between Having Guts Or Balls
Guts or Balls?

I have often wondered what the difference was.

There is a medical distinction.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls,
but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS -
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS -
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:
'You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

[STYCK]

ENGLISH....I Love You

SPANISH...Te Amo

FRENCH....Je T'aime

GERMAN...Ich Liebe Dich

JAPANESE..Ai Shite Imasu

THAI...............Phom Rak Khun

ITALIAN.........Ti Amo

CHINESE.....WOO AI NI

SWEDISH....JAG ALSKAR

ALABAMA,ARKANSAS,KANSAS,OKLAHOMA,TEXAS,
NORTH CAROLINA,,SOUTH CAROLINA,
GEORGIA,TENNESSEE,MISSOURI,LOUISIANA
VIRGINIA KENTUCKY
And Parts of FLORIDA

" NICE ASS GET IN THE TRUCK"

[STYCK]

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2>A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."
</TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2> </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[darrels joy]

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

(This was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona ..

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well..

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

.... PRICELESS

[revwardoc]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[revwardoc]

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall..

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...

'I would have been released today.'

[DMZ-LT]

Head nurse starts her shift at the nursing home and Mr . Johnson comes over to her and says " My private part died today " She knows he is old and somewhat out of it so she just tells him she is sorry and goes about her shift. Next day she starts her shift and sees Mr. Johnson standing in the hall with his private part hanging out of his pants. She confronts him and asks what is going on. He says " I told you my private part died yesterday " She said I remember but why are you doing this now ? He says " Today is the viewing "

[revwardoc]

http://www.weirdasianews.com/2009/11/23/pushbutton-bra-turns-bitsy-bodacious/

Chinese technology comes up with that oh-so-perfect Xmas gift just for her!

(with a very interesting video)

[David]

funny pics

[BLUEHAWK]

The economy is so bad that:


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[BLUEHAWK]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex..



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[revwardoc]

The Japanese are nothing if not imaginative

http://www.spike.com/blog/top-15-craziest/91484?page=1&numPerPage=1

[revwardoc]

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherif's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude. You pass." says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

[revwardoc]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************** **************************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
************************************************** **************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
************************************************** **************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************** **************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************************************************** **************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
************************************************** **************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
************************************************** **************************

Tower:"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
************************************************** **************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
************************************************** **************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
************************************************** **************************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[STYCK]

Sometime this year we taxpayers will again recieve another:
"ECONOMIC STIMULUS PAYMENT"

This is indeed avery exciting program,and I'll explain it
by using a Q & A format:

Q..What is an 'ECONOMIC STIMULUS PAYMENT'?
A..It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers

Q..Where will the government get this money?
A..From taxpayers

Q..So,the government is giving me back my own money ?
A..Only a smidgen of it.

Q..What is the purpose of this payment ?
A..The plan is for you to buy a HD TV thus stimulating the economy

Q..But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A..Shut up..

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy
by spending your stimulus check wisely...

* If you spend your stimulus money at Wal Mart..
Your money will go to China or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on gasoline,your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer..
It will got to India,China,or Taiwan

* If you spend it on fruits and vegetables..
it will go to Mexico,Honduras,and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to
Japan or Korea

* If you purchase usless stuff
it will go to Taiwan

* If you pay your credit cards off..or buy stock..
it will go to management bounses and they
will hide it off shore..

Instead...Keep the money in America by :

1..Spending it at yard sales
2..Going to ball games
3..Spending it on:
prostitutes,beer,or tatoos..
Since these are the only American businesses still operating in the US

CONCLUSION:
Got to a ballgame with a tatooed prostitute you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day

[revwardoc]

FARM KID in the ARMY




Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing; I keep getting medals for shooting! I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,
Alice

[revwardoc]

If only!

[revwardoc]

Didja hear about the blonde who returned a scarf to the store? It was too tight.

[revwardoc]

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

[darrels joy]

An odd, persistent feeling that something’s watching you

posted at 10:18 pm on April 15, 2010 by directorblue
<SMALL>[ Taxes ] </SMALL>

http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/04_2010/26805.png (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/SrrIMwpGajI/AAAAAAAAWJE/jeW7gorzZlc/s1600-h/090923-hoop2.jpg)Man, I’ve had this creepy feeling for sooooo long.
http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/04_2010/26806.png (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/SrrINOZ74DI/AAAAAAAAWJM/8qmKYKn2TkY/s1600-h/090923-hoop1.jpg)Whatcha mean?
http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/04_2010/26805.png (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/SrrIMwpGajI/AAAAAAAAWJE/jeW7gorzZlc/s1600-h/090923-hoop2.jpg)I don’t know, but it feels like something’s been watching me for months!
http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/04_2010/26806.png (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/SrrINOZ74DI/AAAAAAAAWJM/8qmKYKn2TkY/s1600-h/090923-hoop1.jpg)Oh, yeah, that figures.
http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/04_2010/26805.png (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/SrrIMwpGajI/AAAAAAAAWJE/jeW7gorzZlc/s1600-h/090923-hoop2.jpg)Why?
http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/04_2010/26806.png (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/SrrINOZ74DI/AAAAAAAAWJM/8qmKYKn2TkY/s1600-h/090923-hoop1.jpg)Well, check it out…
http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/04_2010/26805.png (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/SrrIMwpGajI/AAAAAAAAWJE/jeW7gorzZlc/s1600-h/090923-hoop2.jpg)Well, what the hell is it?
http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/04_2010/26807.png (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/SrrIMtSlEsI/AAAAAAAAWI8/06pMwaFAmAk/s1600-h/090923-hoop3.jpg)That?
http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/04_2010/26807.png (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_orkXxp0bhEA/SrrIMtSlEsI/AAAAAAAAWI8/06pMwaFAmAk/s1600-h/090923-hoop3.jpg)That’s the money you could have saved by voting Republican!
http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2010/04/15/an-odd-persistent-feeling-that-somethings-watching-you/ (http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2010/04/15/an-odd-persistent-feeling-that-somethings-watching-you/)

[STYCK]

.Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not x-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift.
Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant.
I can see it now;
you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."

Is that cool or what!!!

[revwardoc]

How consultants can make a difference in an organization.

We took some friends to a new restaurant and I noticed the waiter taking our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. This seemed a little strange. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' He explained,'Well, the owner hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil, with a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that the waiter had a string hanging out of his fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had a string hanging from their flies. So before the waiter walked off, I said, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' Lowering his voice. he said, 'Not everyone is so observant.The consulting firm also determined how we could save time in the restroom.. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and thus, eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered,

'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[revwardoc]

A Texan is drinking in a Louisiana bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 20 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas , folks. . .like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 20 pounds the day he was born."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[darrels joy]

<TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0in; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 0in 0in" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0in; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 0in 0in" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0in; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 0in 0in" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0in; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 0in 0in" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE style="mso-cellspacing: 0in; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 0in 0in" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>

The Candy With The Little Hole<O:p</O:p


<O:p</O:p

This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.<O:p</O:p

<V:p</V:p


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red.....................Cherry
Yellow...............Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange ..............Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.


The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're " a-- holes!"


The teacher had to leave the room!<O:p</O:p


<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><O:p</O:p

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[revwardoc]

The marriage race: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1151155058098&ref=mf

[revwardoc]

BP spill management: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3 D2AAa0gd7ClM&h=8eb6b

[darrels joy]

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

Are you ready for this........ ....?

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful. Have a great day!


revwardoc,

Sorry, we don't have facebook accounts so can't read there.

Joy

[revwardoc]

A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?"

Way in the back Achmed raised his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You must come up here and tell us about your experience''.

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Achmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"


Achmed replied, " Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats!!!"

[darrels joy]

PONDERISMS


·I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians......the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

·Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

·Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

·Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

·Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive quicker?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

[darrels joy]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.


"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[revwardoc]

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow:
I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant:
I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
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Why are you scrolling down?

It's your turn to say something...

[revwardoc]

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. Six AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch The Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up”.
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning on one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out a friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”

Bonus:

26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ‘cause you know they’ll enjoy it too.

[Liberty1775]

Oh my gosh. You guys are a riot!
I read page 6, and laughed harder as I scrolled farther down.

Now I know where to go when I'm in need of a good laugh.

Thanks

[Liberty1775]

@darrels joy

There are two kinds of pedestrians......the quick and the dead.

I couldn't agree more, but there is one thing I would like to add. As my family has always put it:

"They (the pedestrians) were right, but they'd be dead right."

[BLUEHAWK]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td valign="top"> Short Piece of Revolutionary War History

During the Revolutionary War, there were British sympathizers known as Tories among the colonists. Some of them would work hand-in-hand with the Redcoats to try to foil the battle plans of the Continental Army.

After a certain skirmish, a group of General Washington's men tracked one of these sympathizers to a farm, which they searched for hours without success.

A militiaman then came up with the idea to release a hen into a barn where they suspected the fugitive might be hiding. Sure enough, loud cackling and commotion quickly ensued, and the soldiers were finally able to take their prisoner into custody.

This was the first known instance where someone had a chicken catch a Tory....
</td></tr></tbody></table>

[Liberty1775]

Ooh, you've got my attention. What a novel idea!

Hey, any chance you know what skirmish that was?

Thanks

[BLUEHAWK]

Well, I thought I knew.

Where do I go wrong?

[revwardoc]

That was the Fight at Pun's Farm. The men were from the Rhode Island Red Regiment and were led by Col. Foghorn Leghorn.

[BLUEHAWK]

Shoot... I missed that one.

[Liberty1775]

Alright, I give up!

Hey, revwardoc, when and where did the battle at Pun's farm occur?
Honestly, when I read your post, I thought you were joking.
I mean Foghorn Leghorn? Sounds like a Warner Bros. Cartoon to me!

Thanks guys

[revwardoc]

That's exactly what it was!

[revwardoc]

A University of Texas football player was seen wandering the U's library. One of the librarians asked if he needed some assistance.

"Yes", he said. "I have to read a play by Shakespeare."

The librarian asked, "Which one?"

He answered, "William".

[Liberty1775]

Oh, sure! Thanks a lot! Ha, ha.

So is this some other initiation test? Bat the newbie around?

I just knew it was too wacky to be true. :)

[revwardoc]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

[revwardoc]

A bartender glanced up from his duties and noticed an absolutely gorgeous woman in a form-fitting, low-cut dress beckoning to him from the other end of the bar. As he reached her she asked in a low, sultry voice, "Is the manager here?"

He gulped and said, "No."

She then started running her fingers through his hair and asked, "Do you know when he'll be back?"

He stammered, "No."

She stroked his bushy beard and asked, "Well, can you give him a message for me?"

He just moaned and nodded.

Moving her fingers across his lips she said, "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the Ladies Room."

[revwardoc]

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. Thus, the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on.

[BLUEHAWK]

Wednesday, June 15, 2011 10:09 AM
Message body

<table id="yui_3_2_0_3_130815404843388" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody id="yui_3_2_0_3_130815404843387"><tr id="yui_3_2_0_3_130815404843386"><td id="yui_3_2_0_3_130815404843385" style="padding:10px;font-size:12px;font-family:Verdana, Helvetica sans-serif;" width="90%">Friend --

I've set aside time for four supporters like you to join me for dinner.

Most campaigns fill their dinner guest lists primarily with Washington lobbyists and special interests.

We didn't get here doing that, and we're not going to start now. We're running a different kind of campaign. We don't take money from Washington lobbyists or special-interest PACs -- we never have, and we never will.

We rely on everyday Americans giving whatever they can afford -- and I want to spend time with a few of you.

So if you make a donation today, you'll be automatically entered for a chance to be one of the four supporters to sit down with me for dinner. Please donate $100 or more today:

https://donate.barackobama.com/Dinner-with-Barack (http://my.barackobama.com/page/m/55c11435/50762803/16c862e7c/118831c4/736839854/VEsH/p/eyJKU1ZEVlZOVVQwMWZSRUZVUVZORlZGdHpiSFZuUFdadmJHUm xjbDlrWVhSaGMyVjBMR3RsZVQxbWIyeGtaWEpmYUdGemFGMGxK UT09IjoiNTRhNjM1M2I0MDBmNGE5ZTFjNTk1ZjBhYWRjYWRmND MiLCJKU1ZEVlZOVVQwMWZSRUZVUVZORlZGdHpiSFZuUFdacGJH VmZaR0YwWVhObGRDeHJaWGs5Wm1sc1pWOW9ZWE5vWFNVbCI6Ij cwNjk4Y2NkYmU2YmI0NWQwNWQ3Mjc4YzRjZDg3ZGQzIn0=/)

We'll pay for your flight and the dinner -- all you need to bring is your story and your ideas about how we can continue to make this a better country for all Americans.

This won't be a formal affair. It's the kind of casual meal among friends that I don't get to have as often as I'd like anymore, so I hope you'll consider joining me.

But I'm not asking you to donate today just so you'll be entered for a chance to meet me. I'm asking you to say you believe in the kind of politics that gives people like you a seat at the table -- whether it's the dinner table with me or the table where decisions are made about what kind of country we want to be.

It starts with a gift of whatever you can afford.

Please make a donation of $100 today, and we'll throw your name in the hat for the upcoming dinner:

https://donate.barackobama.com/Dinner-with-Barack (http://my.barackobama.com/page/m/55c11435/50762803/16c862e7c/118831c4/736839854/VEsE/p/eyJKU1ZEVlZOVVQwMWZSRUZVUVZORlZGdHpiSFZuUFdadmJHUm xjbDlrWVhSaGMyVjBMR3RsZVQxbWIyeGtaWEpmYUdGemFGMGxK UT09IjoiNTRhNjM1M2I0MDBmNGE5ZTFjNTk1ZjBhYWRjYWRmND MiLCJKU1ZEVlZOVVQwMWZSRUZVUVZORlZGdHpiSFZuUFdacGJH VmZaR0YwWVhObGRDeHJaWGs5Wm1sc1pWOW9ZWE5vWFNVbCI6Ij cwNjk4Y2NkYmU2YmI0NWQwNWQ3Mjc4YzRjZDg3ZGQzIn0=/)

I've said before that I want people like you to shape this campaign from the very beginning -- and this is a chance for four people to share their ideas directly with me.

Hope to see you soon,

Barack


No purchase, payment, or contribution necessary to enter or win. Contributing will not improve chances of winning. Void where prohibited. Entries must be received by 11:59 p.m. on 6/30/11. You may enter by contributing to Sponsor through https://donate.barackobama.com/Dinner-With-Barack. Alternatively, visit http://my.barackobama.com/Dinner-With-Barack-Alt (http://my.barackobama.com/Dinner-With-Barack-Alt) to enter without contributing. Four winners will each receive the following prize package: one round-trip ticket within the continental U.S. to a destination to be determined by the Sponsor in its sole discretion; hotel accommodations for one; and dinner with President Obama on a date to be determined by the Sponsor in its sole discretion (approximate combined retail value of all prizes $1,075). Odds of winning depend on number of eligible entries received. Promotion open only to U.S. citizens, or lawful permanent U.S. residents who are legal residents of 50 United States and District of Columbia and 18 or older (or of majority under applicable law). Promotion subject to Official Rules and additional restrictions on eligibility. Visit http://my.barackobama.com/Dinner-Rules (http://my.barackobama.com/Dinner-Rules) for full details, restrictions, and Official Rules. Sponsor: Obama for America, 130 E. Randolph St., Chicago, IL 60601.
http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/iipcache/547405.pnghttp://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/06_2011/32831.pnghttp://ads.bluelithium.com/pixel?id=1335741&t=2http://leadback.advertising.com/adcedge/lb?site=695501&betr=fundraising1_cs=[+]1[720],2[720]</td> </tr><tr><td style="padding:10px;font-size:12px;font-family:Verdana, Helvetica sans-serif;" align="center" width="90%"> http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/imgcache/06_2011/32833.png</td> </tr><tr id="yui_3_2_0_3_130815404843395"><td id="yui_3_2_0_3_130815404843394" style="padding:10px;font-size:12px;font-family:Verdana, Helvetica sans-serif;" align="center" width="90%"> Contributions or gifts to Obama for America are not tax deductible
</td></tr></tbody></table>

[reconeil]

Unfortunately, too many Americans have ALREADY been suckered or sucked-in by that duplicitously-devious & slick-tongued liar Barry Hussein Soetoro or Barack Hussein Obama II or Junior.
Many fools sadly still remain duped by such.

Still & admittedly, Marxists/Progressives/Dems like Obama, Biden, Pelosi, Reid, Weiner & others are good for a laugh now & then. Don't you think?

However, it's often too bad that their sick jokes are usually on US (both ways).

Neil

[darrels joy]

When the email showed up in my inbox, :eek: I labeled it junk so it was sent to my junk mail folder. :rolleyes:

Joy