A wealthy man decides to go on a safari in Africa.
> > He takes his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day,
the
> > dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the
dachshund
> > discovers that he is lost.
> > So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
> > direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The
dachshund
> > thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
> > Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately
> > settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching
> > cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims
> > loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there
are any
> > more around here?"
> > Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a
look
> > of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says
> > the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
> >
> > Meanwhile, a monkey who has been watching the whole scene from a
> > nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it
> > for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the
dachshund
> > sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures
that
> > something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the
leopard,
> > spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.
> >
> > The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey
> > hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
> > canine."
> > Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his

> > back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
> > But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers,
> > pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get
close
> > enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent
him
> > off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
> >
> > SOMETIMES IF YOU CANT DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE THEN
> > BAFFLE THEM WITH BULL!

WIFE


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know...
Double Income, No Kids"

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich,Urban, Biker"

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman,
with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him
with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do
about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the
boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the
teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the
shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell
your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the
last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and
said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free
bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch
the expression on his face!"

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
> piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
>
> Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
> up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited
> all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel
> and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized
> what was happening and cried horribly.
>
> Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads
> later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he
> saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something
> amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's
> neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake
> it off and take a step up.
>
> Pretty soon everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge
> of the well and trotted off. The Moral...
>
> Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
> getting out of a hole is to shake it off and take a step up.
>
> Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest
> holes just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a
> step up!
>
>
> Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
>
> 1. Free your heart from hatred.
>
> 2. Free your mind from worries.
>
> 3. Live simply.
>
> 4. Give more.
>
> 5. Expect less.
>
> O.K., that's enough of that B.S... The donkey later came back, caught
> the farmer out in the field and kicked the **** out of him. Then he went
> over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the **** out of them too
> for helping.
>
> The REAL Moral to the Story...
>
> When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

- THE BLONDE MYSTERY
Blonde and the Seven Ten Cap
Seven Ten Cap

The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

"What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said " I think you want an oil cap."

She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."

Yes, she was a blonde.

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Privates on Parade



Two generals, one from the Army and one from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general called over an airman.

"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder,' and then jump off!"

"Yes, SIR!" replied the airman.

He took off for the flagpole like a shot, scaled the pole, sang the anthem, saluted, and jumped off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismissed him.

"Now, that's bravery!" exclaimed the general.

"Bravery, nothing," snorted the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

"Yes, Sir!" replied the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down head first."

"Yes, SIR!" replied the private, who completed the task as directed.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!"

They looked at the Marine.

"Private!" he said.

"Yes, SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma,' put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snapped to attention, looked at the general and said, "To hell with you, sir."

The general turned to the others and said, "Now that's bravery!"

The first tee
 

>
> It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy
course and
he
> was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing the
upcoming shot, when
a
> piercing voice came over the clubhouse loud speaker.
"Would the
gentleman
> on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
>
> He could feel every eye on the course looking at him. He
was still deep
> in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
>
> Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee
kindly back up
> to the men's tee." He simply ignored the guy and kept
concentrating,
when
> once more, the man yelled:
>
> "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE,
PLEASE!!!"
>
>
> He finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse
window directly
> at the person with the microphone, cupped his hands and
shouted back,
> ........ "WOULD THE ASSHOLE IN THE CLUB HOUSE KINDLY SHUT
THE F%*K UP
AND
> LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!!!!"

This is an old one, but I like it....
 

Back Seat Blonde

A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they
ended up parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out.
After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get
lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his
date, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.

Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed.
Things are getting really hot, so he asks again.

"Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even
has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.

"Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.

"NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"








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God and Adam
 

GOD said, "Go down into that valley."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river"

And Adam said "What's a river?"

And God explained it to him. He then said, "Go over the hill."

And Adam said, "What's a hill?"

And God explained it to him. Then he told Adam, "On the other side
of the hill you will find a cave."

And Adam said, "What's a cave?"

And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

And Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, And said "I want you to reproduce."

And Adam said, "How do I do that?"

So God explained it to him.

Adam then went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill,
into the cave, and he found the woman. In about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"





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Subject: Cajun Blonde Joke

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

Laying nearby were several more of the dead gators.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back and frustrated, shouts out "Dang it, this one's barefoot too!'