A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he
had been wearing his seat belt, he just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who looked at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

...they're up in bed....
 

> >
> >
> > A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
> > "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little
> > boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then
he
> > came back in for lunch and asked his grandma,
> > "where's Mom and Dad?" and
> > she replied "they're still up in bed."
> > Again the little boy started to giggle and he
> > ate his lunch and went out to play.
> > Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his
> > grandma, "where's mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're
still
> > up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked,
> > "what gives?" Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to
> > laugh! What is going on here? The little boy replied, well last night
> > daddy came into my bedroom and asked for the
> > Vaseline and I gave him the super glue."
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the
kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner
than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the
toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic
shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off
they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his
wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor,
have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied. "But never framed."

The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up
to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a
bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is
open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was
that told him
about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with
her.

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open
did
you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (being smarter than a man...of course) thought for a moment and
said,
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two
duffel bags.

Stumpy Legged Pink Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, ?Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.?
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, ?Say what breed is that anyway??

The owner says, ?Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.?

Adjacent Seats


Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ****?"

Baked Beans


A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

You See That Indian?

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Out in the Woods

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"

Onions and Donkeys.....
 

>
> Subject: Ever hopeful
>
>
> > CROSSING A DONKEY WITH AN ONION
> >
> > What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
> > Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
> > but every once in a while you luck out .............
> > ...............and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
> >
>