The train ride
 

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that
seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said,
You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit
there?". I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend
her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You
know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos
on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong
bitch out the window


__________________________________________________ __

Two hillbillies in a bar.
 

> >Two Hillbillies from Missouri walk into the local bar
>
> >to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer.
>
> >They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking
>
> >about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a
>
> >nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
>
> >cough.
>
> >After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is
>
> >in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her
>
> >and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head
>
> >no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue
>
> >and shakes her head. The hillbilly walks over to the
>
> >woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her
>
> >panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks
>
> >in a circular motion. the woman is so shocked, that
>
> >she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out
>
> >of her mouth.
>
> >As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
>
> >slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his
>
> >beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that
>
> >there "Hind Lick" maneuver, but I ain't never seen
>
> >nobody do
>
> >it."
>
>

relatives?
 

>
> > > > A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
> > > > not saying a
> > > > word.
> > > > An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> > > > neither of them wanted
> > > > to concede their position.
> > > > As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and
> > > > pigs, the husband
> > > > asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
> > > > "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
> > > >

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out
of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas
station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream
and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to
eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the
engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."

Investments
 

> >
> >The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night
and
> >demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly
aroused
> >state, he readily agreed.
> >
> >This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30
years,
> >him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
> >
> >Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very
drunken
> >state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial
> >ruin
> >caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a
> >50 year old released executive.
> >
> >Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12
> >years
> >totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she
> >gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth
> >nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest
> >stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged
> >him
> >each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
> >
> >By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the
car.
> >She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,
"If
> >I
> >had only known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my
> >business!"
> >
> >

The Latest Psychological Techniques

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

I don't know if this is true or not.
 

A Gunnery Sergeant sent it to me......






IS THIS A CRAZY WORLD OR WHAT!!!!!

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century:

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! (IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?)

Police warning
 

Police warn all clubbers, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages

Those were definitley a good batch this time. That "Hind Lick " one had me rolling on the ground. Made my day :u:

Have a drink!
 

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink, and if you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life."

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside a bar drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks," then he lowers his voice and says to the barman ".. and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that darn nun again is it?"