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wrbones 04-22-2003 04:49 AM

For you fighter jocks....
 
On a Wing and a Prayer
by Rick Reilly
(Note: Rick Reilly writes for Sports Illustrated)

Now this message for America's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have -- John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity . . . Move to Guam. Change your name.

Fake your own death. Whatever you do, do not go. I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting...." Remember?). Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said. "For the potassium?" I asked. "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot - but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, that was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious from the G-forces. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life.

Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80 minutes. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G-force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were Flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Greg Norman making a five-iron bite.

But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighter pilots had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked. . . . "Two Bags."

thedrifter 04-22-2003 06:56 PM

COMPUTERS


Jill Lange, a female computer consultant, was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password for login.

Wanting to embarrass Jill, he told her to enter "PENIS" as the password.

Without blinking an eye or saying a word, Jill entered the password as he had requested.

It was then that Jill nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:

PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

thedrifter 04-22-2003 06:56 PM

Olie and Sven were fishing one day when Sven

pulled out a cigar. Finding
he had no matches, he asked Olie for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he
replied. Then reaching into his
tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10
inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the
huge BIC lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olie, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven
asked.
"Yah, shure, right here in my tackle box," says
Olie.
"Could I see him?"
So Olie opens his tackle box and sure enough,
out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm
a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will.", says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie disappears back into the tackle box
leaving Sven sitting
there,waiting for his million bucks. Shortly,
the sky darkens and is
filled with the sound of a Million ducks, flying
overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells
at Olie, "I asked for a
million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"
Olie answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, Sven,
da genie is hard of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10
inch Bic?"

thedrifter 04-22-2003 06:56 PM

Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q. - How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q. - How many IUS folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - IUS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Ticket Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon
as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q. - How many Tech Support folks does it take to change
a light bulb?
A. - We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q. - How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.

Q. - How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q. - How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
problems.

Q. - How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

Q. - How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.

Q. - How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of
the light bulb box.

Q. - How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A. - It depends on how many burnt-out lightbulbs he brought with him.

Q: - How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: - One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: - How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: - Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Q: - How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: - None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry
standard.

thedrifter 04-22-2003 06:57 PM

What Exactly Is Marriage? (**)

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received
some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...

What Exactly Is Marriage??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give
her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to
the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at
least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one
particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering
what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to
find out."
-Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll
do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a
drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it
gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't
tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about
love."
-Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing
if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try
it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"
-Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7

wrbones 04-24-2003 04:41 AM

Art Linkletter said it right that kids do say the darndest things.



For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

T

he following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding)

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play-Do and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

nang 04-24-2003 05:53 AM

Those were great, Bones. I bet ya, that the Mother that wrote those down, wouldn't trade anything for those times with her kids. Made me smile this sunny morning. :a:

wrbones 04-24-2003 06:10 AM

I try to post the good stuff! :D

When I first saw that, I laughed til I cried, then hadda to wipe my eyes so I could read the rest of it! LOL.

thedrifter 04-24-2003 07:36 AM

LOL@Bones..........



I Said the F-Word

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word."

The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven."

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

"Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy.

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole."

The priest said, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing putt!"

thedrifter 04-24-2003 07:37 AM

Joining the FBI

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.

I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"


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