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wrbones 06-24-2003 12:27 PM

the Lone Ranger and Tonto
 
Subject: Lone Ranger & Tonto



> > > >The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
> > >
> > > >After they got their tent set up, they fell asleep.
> > >
> > > >Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend
> > >
> > > >and says, "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
> > >
> > > >Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
> > >
> > > >"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.
> > >
> > > >Tonto ponders for a minute, then says," Astronomically speaking,
> > >
> > > >it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
> billions
> > >
> > > >of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time
> > >
> > > >wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
> > >
> > > >Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
> > >
> > > >small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
> > >
> > > >beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
> > >
> > > >The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says,
> > >
> > > >"Tonto, you dumb shit, someone has stolen our tent."
> >

MarineAO 06-24-2003 02:58 PM

Todays Blessing:
 
May the fleas of one thousand camels

infest the crotch of the person

who fucks up your day, and

may their arms be too

short to scratch!

wrbones 06-24-2003 03:10 PM

My neighbor found out her schnauzer dog could hardly hear so she took
it to the veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and
the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this
from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must
know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

SuperScout 06-24-2003 03:22 PM

Be Careful!
 
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,"What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for a year."

wrbones 06-24-2003 09:21 PM

There was an old gal wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco,
Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached. "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am
calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old woman answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're
out
in public."

"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?"


"Lard ass."

wrbones 06-29-2003 03:48 PM

A Valley Girl, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handywoman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do."Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The Valley Girl, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials she might need were in the garage.

His wife overheard the conversation and asked,"Does she realize that porch goes all the way around the house?"
"She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb Valley Girl e-mail jokes we've been receiving." A short time later, the Valley Girl came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked."Yes," the Valley Girl replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats." Impressed, the man handed her the $50.00.

"And, oh -- by the way," the Valley Girl added, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW."

thedrifter 07-02-2003 09:30 AM

The old "Gunny" was getting to be an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.

Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning Gunny", or "Are we ready for a bath", or "Are we hungry?"

The old Gunny had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, after he had received breakfast, he pulled the juice off the tray and put it on his bed side stand. He had also been given a Urine Bottle the evening before to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So..... you know where the juice went.

Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today Gunny....."

At this, the old Gunny snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted...... The old Gunny just smiled......

thedrifter 07-02-2003 09:34 AM

"Alligator Shoes"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.



After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"



The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."



So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.



Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.



One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

thedrifter 07-02-2003 09:36 AM

Gate Guard



One day, four young military warriors turn up outside the pearly gates. St.Peter explained that before these warriors could pass they must answer one simple question.

Up walked the first guy.

St. Peter asked, "What's 2+2?"

The 1st warrior answered: "3"

"NO" said St. Peter.

"5" ?

NO" said St. Peter.

"4"

"Yes, in you go!"

Up comes the second warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

He answered, "The Square root of 16."

Very impressed St. Peter allows him past.

Up comes the third warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

"It's greater than 2."

"Yes"

"But less than 6"

"Yes"

"It's greater than 3"

"Yes"

"But less than 5"

"Yes"

"It's 4"

"Well done; in you go!"

Up comes the fourth warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

"It's 5, Ooo-Rahhhhh!!!" and with no pause he barges past St. Peter and in through the pearly gates.

Observing all this, an angel asked St. Peter, "What was all that about?"

St. Peter answered, "It's perfectly obvious: there must be a war on earth, and those four men were all military officers who have been killed."

"How can you tell they were officers?" inquires the angel.

"The first guy was a Navy engineer, dumb as seaweed and crude as mud, but he kept hammering away until he got through."

"The second guy was an Air Force pilot, who gave me more information than I really required."

"The third guy was in Army artillery, who was uncomfortable with any firm answer, but was bracketing to zero in on the correct answer."

"But what about the fourth guy?" inquired the angel. "He got it wrong, and then tore through the gates anyway."

"Ahh," said St. Peter, "that was the Marine -- dumber than dirt, but you've just gotta love 'em."

wrbones 07-04-2003 12:31 AM

----
In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there" said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl.

Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern! It seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Ya reckon the light's attractin 'em?"


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