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wrbones 03-01-2003 06:42 PM

a lawyer joke....
 
THEY AREN'T ALL DUMB, ARE THEY?



A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game.

The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but
comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5.00, :D and goes back to sleep.

wrbones 03-01-2003 07:12 PM

picabo street
 
Olympic Skier

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street, pronounced (Peek'aboo), is not just an athlete, she is also a nurse who currently works in the Intensive Care Unit (I.C.U.) of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is a fine nurse, however, Picabo is not permitted to answer the telephone because too much confusion ensue when she answers the phone and says...

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>"Picabo, ICU".

lurchenstein 03-01-2003 08:12 PM

Jokes
 
GMAO this evening.
Semper Fi ( a drum roll),
-Chris

thedrifter 03-02-2003 06:59 AM

Bill and Hillary



Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.

No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'

thedrifter 03-02-2003 07:00 AM

Banana Split



This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over and has BAD Arthritis.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please".

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts"?

The old man says, "No, Arthritis".

thedrifter 03-02-2003 07:01 AM

Headaches



Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," the doctor says.

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?"

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and sixteen and a half neck?"

Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" he asked.

"It's my job," the salesman said again.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure,"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, size nine and a half

Joe was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman repeated.

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, seven and five-eighths."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" Joe asked.

"It's my job," the salesman laughed.

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size thirty-six?"

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size thirty-four since I was eighteen-years-old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

thedrifter 03-02-2003 07:02 AM

Computer-Illiterates



The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

wrbones 03-02-2003 08:05 PM

some jokes fer the Irishmen among us....
 
At a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
********************************************



Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.



"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

******************************************



An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.



A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the Irishman, "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

**********************************************



Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.



"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda...no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

****************************************



A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

******************************************



Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

wrbones 03-03-2003 08:52 PM

the bronze rat
 
A wealthy tourist walks into an ancient curio shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike,
life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but it is
striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the
owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can
keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he
noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and
had begun to follow him down the street.

This was disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple
blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they were
squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats Now
numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming at him faster and
faster. Terrified he ran to the edge of the Bay, and hurled the bronze
rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats
jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned. The man walked back
to the curio shop.

"Aha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

>

wrbones 03-03-2003 08:58 PM

a drunk Irishman
 
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his
face.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He
crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he
tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound
asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."





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