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-   -   Just fer grins (http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25061)

lurchenstein 03-09-2003 12:02 AM

Great batch o' grins Marines.
Semper Fi!

wrbones 03-09-2003 01:47 PM

The jigsaw puzzle
 
: Puzzling

A blonde calls her boyfriends and says, "please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it is finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. "Let's have a beer, and then ........" he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

wrbones 03-10-2003 12:54 AM

A Very Deep Hole


Two guys are walking through the woods and came across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

wrbones 03-11-2003 10:06 PM

butter vs shortening
 
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend has a huge penis.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are
in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim
replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller!
I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco??" Bob exclaimed, ....."No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!"
************************************************** *****

wrbones 03-11-2003 10:07 PM

Moses
 
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"

Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"







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wrbones 03-18-2003 10:41 PM

becoming a man in Iraq
 
When does a boy become a man in Iraq?

When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.







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wrbones 03-18-2003 10:44 PM

Two robins
 
Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and finds some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed
ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could
eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."




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wrbones 03-18-2003 10:52 PM

pilot's humor
 
It's good to know that some pilots have a sense of humor. Here are some
conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The following
are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around
the world:

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but
get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't ! move till I tell
you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot
broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "! Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between ! Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't
stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One
o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
Overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is o! ur start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war!"






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wrbones 03-19-2003 09:01 PM

80 year old man uses viagra
 
An eldery gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for VIAGRA.

The pharmacist asked "how many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes......"

wrbones 03-20-2003 11:18 PM

Lorena Bobbit's sister in the news!
 







LORENA BOBBITT'S SISTER ARRESTED
API - Clearwater Florida

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday
for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her
husband as her famous sister had done several years
ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as
Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed
her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle
and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in
serious, but stable condition. Luella has been
charged with one count of mis de wiener.




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