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thedrifter 03-31-2003 06:50 AM

The Secret Diary of a Cat
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

thedrifter 03-31-2003 06:51 AM

Rectum Stretcher
Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."

"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"
"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.

"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"

"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what?" asked the collector.
"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.
"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.
"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"

"...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."

"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?"

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."

thedrifter 03-31-2003 06:52 AM

The pop machine.
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

wrbones 03-31-2003 07:03 AM

50th anniversary!
An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their
50th wedding anniversary.

"You know," she said, "we were probably sitting in the kitchen across from
each other 50 years ago."

"Yeah," he said, "but we were probably naked."

"So let's get naked now," she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

"You know," she said smiling lovingly, "my nipples feel just as hot for
you today as they were 50 years ago."

He replied, "I'm sure they's in your coffee and the other's in
your oatmeal!"

wrbones 04-01-2003 01:43 AM

wives and mistresses
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the artist.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and
get some work done."

thedrifter 04-03-2003 06:48 PM

Dog Fight
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."


thedrifter 04-06-2003 07:24 AM

Military Communication Exercise

General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense togather together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force to discover why the services have trouble communicating with each other. He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" a certain building, if each asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:

Tell those swabs to:

-- Unplug the coffeepots

-- Turn off the computers

-- Turn out the lights

-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:

-- Assemble the company

-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard

-- Take control of all exits

-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her

-- Assemble the platoon and supplies

-- Approach the building along three axes

-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire

-- Assault the building under covering fire

-- Sequester surviving prisoners

-- Establish lanes of fire

-- Prepare artillery calls

-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:

-- Contact real estate agent

-- Negotiate 1-year lease

-- Be sure to get option to buy

thedrifter 04-06-2003 07:25 AM

-- Your computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
-- You think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestling organization.
-- Someone tells You they're "locked up" and You ask if they need bail money.
-- You've ever been too drunk to chat.
-- Your screen saver is a confederate flag and plays Dixie.
-- You think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
-- Your mouse keeps knocking over your spitcan.
-- You think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
-- You keep trying to figure out why your scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
-- You think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
-- You have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
-- You stomach overlaps half of your keyboard.
-- You try to figure out how to get your empty beer cans into the recycling bin.
-- You try to turn on Your computer with the remote.
-- You try to figure out how Your floppy disk got hard.
-- You play Frisbee with your CD Rom's.
-- You find yourself on the floor looking into your "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
-- When birds fly across your screen an you reach for Your shotgun.
-- You put a mousetrap on your desk.
-- Your yard is full of old computers stacked on cinder blocks.
-- You use Your CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
-- You call tech support an ask where to buy stamps for your e-mail.
-- When You tern your computer on you say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."
-- You think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
-- You think 64 M RAM is a new big block engine for Your pickup.
-- You think ICQ is how smart your computer is.
-- Someone tells you that your computer has a bug an you reach for the can of Raid.
-- You think a mouse pad is where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
-- You go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
-- You think your homepage is where you really live.
-- You give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
-- You think MB stands for "More Beer."
-- You wait for the Bluelight special at K-Mart to buy your computer.
-- You see the word Download, and take the shells out of your shotgun.
-- You think the person that made your keyboard was dumb 'cuz the letters aren't in order.
-- You think pushing the delete key will make your ol' lady disappear.
-- You think CD stands for Cow Dung.
-- You think GIF stands for "Goodie It's Free."
-- You think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
-- You see the "shift" key and try to figure out how to change gears.
-- You wonder why your screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
-- You think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
-- You think Geocities is a place to buy little cars.
-- You catch yourself trying to smell the little flower on your ICQ contact list.
-- You think the "A drive" is where you park your pickup.
-- You see the word "Zip" and know why you were feeling a draft.
-- Your computer has a bumper sticker on it.
-- Part of Your computer is held together with duct tape.
-- You sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler for another beer.
-- Your in a chat room and someone asks where your from and you reply, "My momma."
-- You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.

thedrifter 04-06-2003 07:26 AM

Two Friends Play Golf on Saturday

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.

The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'

The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.'

The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.'

wrbones 04-09-2003 09:26 AM

two nuns and a vampire
Subject: Two Nuns and a Vampire

Two Nuns in Transylvania

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in

their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little vampire jumps onto the hood of the

car and hisses through the windscreen. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister

Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get

rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them

on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and continues hissing at

the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windscreen

washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windscreen washer. The vampire screams as the

water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister

Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and

shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"

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