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thedrifter 03-31-2003 06:50 AM

The Secret Diary of a Cat
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

thedrifter 03-31-2003 06:51 AM

Rectum Stretcher
Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."

"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"
"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.

"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"

"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what?" asked the collector.
"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.
"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.
"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"

"...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."

"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?"

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."

thedrifter 03-31-2003 06:52 AM

The pop machine.
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

wrbones 03-31-2003 07:03 AM

50th anniversary!
 
An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their
50th wedding anniversary.

"You know," she said, "we were probably sitting in the kitchen across from
each other 50 years ago."

"Yeah," he said, "but we were probably naked."

"So let's get naked now," she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

"You know," she said smiling lovingly, "my nipples feel just as hot for
you today as they were 50 years ago."

He replied, "I'm sure they are....one's in your coffee and the other's in
your oatmeal!"

wrbones 04-01-2003 01:43 AM

wives and mistresses
 
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the artist.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and
get some work done."

thedrifter 04-03-2003 06:48 PM

Dog Fight
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

thedrifter 04-06-2003 07:24 AM

Military Communication Exercise

General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense togather together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force to discover why the services have trouble communicating with each other. He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" a certain building, if each asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:

Tell those swabs to:

-- Unplug the coffeepots

-- Turn off the computers

-- Turn out the lights

-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:

-- Assemble the company

-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard

-- Take control of all exits

-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her

-- Assemble the platoon and supplies

-- Approach the building along three axes

-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire

-- Assault the building under covering fire

-- Sequester surviving prisoners

-- Establish lanes of fire

-- Prepare artillery calls

-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:

-- Contact real estate agent

-- Negotiate 1-year lease

-- Be sure to get option to buy

thedrifter 04-06-2003 07:25 AM

YOU MIGHT BE REDNECK IF .......
-- Your computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
-- You think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestling organization.
-- Someone tells You they're "locked up" and You ask if they need bail money.
-- You've ever been too drunk to chat.
-- Your screen saver is a confederate flag and plays Dixie.
-- You think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
-- Your mouse keeps knocking over your spitcan.
-- You think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
-- You keep trying to figure out why your scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
-- You think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
-- You have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
-- You stomach overlaps half of your keyboard.
-- You try to figure out how to get your empty beer cans into the recycling bin.
-- You try to turn on Your computer with the remote.
-- You try to figure out how Your floppy disk got hard.
-- You play Frisbee with your CD Rom's.
-- You find yourself on the floor looking into your "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
-- When birds fly across your screen an you reach for Your shotgun.
-- You put a mousetrap on your desk.
-- Your yard is full of old computers stacked on cinder blocks.
-- You use Your CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
-- You call tech support an ask where to buy stamps for your e-mail.
-- When You tern your computer on you say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."
-- You think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
-- You think 64 M RAM is a new big block engine for Your pickup.
-- You think ICQ is how smart your computer is.
-- Someone tells you that your computer has a bug an you reach for the can of Raid.
-- You think a mouse pad is where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
-- You go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
-- You think your homepage is where you really live.
-- You give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
-- You think MB stands for "More Beer."
-- You wait for the Bluelight special at K-Mart to buy your computer.
-- You see the word Download, and take the shells out of your shotgun.
-- You think the person that made your keyboard was dumb 'cuz the letters aren't in order.
-- You think pushing the delete key will make your ol' lady disappear.
-- You think CD stands for Cow Dung.
-- You think GIF stands for "Goodie It's Free."
-- You think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
-- You see the "shift" key and try to figure out how to change gears.
-- You wonder why your screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
-- You think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
-- You think Geocities is a place to buy little cars.
-- You catch yourself trying to smell the little flower on your ICQ contact list.
-- You think the "A drive" is where you park your pickup.
-- You see the word "Zip" and know why you were feeling a draft.
-- Your computer has a bumper sticker on it.
-- Part of Your computer is held together with duct tape.
-- You sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler for another beer.
-- Your in a chat room and someone asks where your from and you reply, "My momma."
-- You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.

thedrifter 04-06-2003 07:26 AM

Two Friends Play Golf on Saturday

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.

The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'

The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.'

The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.'

wrbones 04-09-2003 09:26 AM

two nuns and a vampire
 
Subject: Two Nuns and a Vampire

Two Nuns in Transylvania

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in

their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little vampire jumps onto the hood of the

car and hisses through the windscreen. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister

Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get

rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them

on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and continues hissing at

the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windscreen

washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windscreen washer. The vampire screams as the

water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister

Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and

shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"

wrbones 04-22-2003 05:49 AM

For you fighter jocks....
 
On a Wing and a Prayer
by Rick Reilly
(Note: Rick Reilly writes for Sports Illustrated)

Now this message for America's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have -- John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity . . . Move to Guam. Change your name.

Fake your own death. Whatever you do, do not go. I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting...." Remember?). Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said. "For the potassium?" I asked. "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot - but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, that was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious from the G-forces. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life.

Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80 minutes. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G-force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were Flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Greg Norman making a five-iron bite.

But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighter pilots had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked. . . . "Two Bags."

thedrifter 04-22-2003 07:56 PM

COMPUTERS


Jill Lange, a female computer consultant, was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password for login.

Wanting to embarrass Jill, he told her to enter "PENIS" as the password.

Without blinking an eye or saying a word, Jill entered the password as he had requested.

It was then that Jill nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:

PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

thedrifter 04-22-2003 07:56 PM

Olie and Sven were fishing one day when Sven

pulled out a cigar. Finding
he had no matches, he asked Olie for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he
replied. Then reaching into his
tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10
inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the
huge BIC lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olie, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven
asked.
"Yah, shure, right here in my tackle box," says
Olie.
"Could I see him?"
So Olie opens his tackle box and sure enough,
out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm
a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will.", says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie disappears back into the tackle box
leaving Sven sitting
there,waiting for his million bucks. Shortly,
the sky darkens and is
filled with the sound of a Million ducks, flying
overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells
at Olie, "I asked for a
million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"
Olie answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, Sven,
da genie is hard of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10
inch Bic?"

thedrifter 04-22-2003 07:56 PM

Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q. - How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q. - How many IUS folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - IUS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Ticket Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon
as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q. - How many Tech Support folks does it take to change
a light bulb?
A. - We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q. - How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.

Q. - How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q. - How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
problems.

Q. - How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

Q. - How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.

Q. - How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of
the light bulb box.

Q. - How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A. - It depends on how many burnt-out lightbulbs he brought with him.

Q: - How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: - One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: - How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: - Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Q: - How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: - None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry
standard.

thedrifter 04-22-2003 07:57 PM

What Exactly Is Marriage? (**)

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received
some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...

What Exactly Is Marriage??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give
her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to
the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at
least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one
particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering
what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to
find out."
-Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll
do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a
drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it
gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't
tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about
love."
-Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing
if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try
it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"
-Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7

wrbones 04-24-2003 05:41 AM

Art Linkletter said it right that kids do say the darndest things.



For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

T

he following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding)

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play-Do and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

nang 04-24-2003 06:53 AM

Those were great, Bones. I bet ya, that the Mother that wrote those down, wouldn't trade anything for those times with her kids. Made me smile this sunny morning. :a:

wrbones 04-24-2003 07:10 AM

I try to post the good stuff! :D

When I first saw that, I laughed til I cried, then hadda to wipe my eyes so I could read the rest of it! LOL.

thedrifter 04-24-2003 08:36 AM

LOL@Bones..........



I Said the F-Word

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word."

The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven."

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

"Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy.

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole."

The priest said, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing putt!"

thedrifter 04-24-2003 08:37 AM

Joining the FBI

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.

I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

thedrifter 04-24-2003 08:37 AM

Mozart

A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, "Absolutely brilliant lovely oh, a fine fellow a genius, Mozart was."

The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No.5 bus going to South Padre Island."

There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, "We're leaving right now."

In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, "You?re really mad about something aren't you?"

"How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!"

wrbones 04-24-2003 10:24 AM

Two Iranians met in California. One started to greet the other in the language of their native country.

The other Iranian waved him away
contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Come to think of it...maybe that wasn't so funny....

wrbones 05-17-2003 10:25 AM

Morris and Lou Anne
 
> >
> >
> > >
> > >
> > > > >
> > > > > At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year
old.
> > > > > > >Since
> > > > > > >her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
> > > wedding
> > > > > she
> > > > > > >and
> > > > > > >Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned
> > > that
> > > > > her
> > > > > > >>new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend
the
> > > entire
> > > > > > >night
> > > > > > >>together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares
> > herself
> > > > for
> > > > > > >bed
> > > > > > >>and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock
> > > comes,
> > > > the
> > > > > > >door
> > > > > > >>opens, and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready
for
> > > > action.
> > > > > > >They
> > > > > > >>unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his
bride,
> > and
> > > > she
> > > > > > >prepares to go to sleep.
> > > > > > >>After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
> > bedroom
> > > > door,
> > > > > > >and
> > > > > > >>it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat
> > > > surprised
> > > > > > >Lou
> > > > > > >Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are
done,
> > > Morris
> > > > > > >kisses
> > > > > > >>his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
> > > > > > >>She is set to go to sleep again, but aha, you guessed it -
> > > Morris
> > > > is
> > > > > > >back
> > > > > > >>again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year
old
> > > ready
> > > > for
> > > > > > >more
> > > > > > >>"action." And once again they enjoy each other.
> > > > > > >>But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says
> to
> > > him:
> > > > "I
> > > > > > >am
> > > > > > >>thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so
well
> > > and
> > > > so
> > > > > > >often.
> > > > > > >>I have been with guys less than a third of your age who
were
> > only
> > > > good
> > > > > > >once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat
> > > > > > >embarrassed,
> > > > > > >>turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> > > >

wrbones 05-19-2003 12:15 AM

fishin' in de bayou
 
I understand this snake!

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seed a snake wit a big frog in his mout.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, hit be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.

But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried hit's mout open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux
knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or hit's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into
de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour a couple of
draps into de snakes mout.

Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in hits haid and hits body go limp. Wit dat Boudreaux toss's
dat snake into de bayou. den he goes back to fishin.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare
dat water mocassin was with two frogs in his mout.

wrbones 05-20-2003 09:52 PM

revenge!!
 
>
>
>
>
>
> >There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the
> > > >
> > > >sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
> > > >
> > > >He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked
> on
> > > >
> > > >the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy
> > > >
> > > >and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one
> > > >
> > > >of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not
> > > >
> > > >leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told
> him to
> > > >
> > > >come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
> > > >
> > > >He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course
> > > >
> > > >the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about
> having
> > to
> > get
> > > >
> > > >shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
> > > >
> > > >Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
> it,
> > > >
> > > >the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed
> down
> > the
> > > >
> > > >hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
> > > >
> > > >Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
> > Madam,
> > > >
> > > >and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why
> did
> > > >
> > > >you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one
> of
> > the
> > others?"
> > > >
> > > >He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
> parents
> > are
> > > >
> > > >going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
> > baby-sitter.
> > > >
> > > >After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
> just
> > happens
> > > >
> > > >to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
> that
> > > >
> > > >I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the
> baby-sitter
> > > >
> > > >home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll
> > > >
> > > >catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the
> baby-sitter's,
> > > >
> > > >he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In
> > > >
> > > >the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
> milk,
> > > >
> > > >have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the
> > > >
> > > >son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG
>
>

wrbones 05-20-2003 11:53 PM

wise words....
 
Time goes bye and life changes but good advice is always
good advice.........


This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. My long-dead grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce.


The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said,

"Son . . . don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."

wrbones 05-24-2003 01:32 AM

terrorist teachers!!
 
A friend of mine who teaches in Connecticut informed me of
fellow teacher who was arrested for carrying a compass,
two rulers, and a protractor.



It seems that he belongs to a terrorist group known as Al Gebra.
They are suspected of distributing weapons of math instruction!!!

thedrifter 05-25-2003 07:18 AM

An Aussie Writes A Letter To Dear Abby:
Dear Abby,
Should I Confess?
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994,the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an HIV. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fianc?e utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin addiction.
My problem is this: I love my fianc?e and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her before we marry.
Should I tell her that my brother-in-law had sex with Monica Lewinski ??

thedrifter 05-25-2003 07:18 AM

D.I. Inspection:

D.I.: What's that on your face private?
Private: Sir, Blood, Sir.
D.I.: Where did it come from private?
Private: Sir, Shaving, I cut myself shaving, Sir.
D.I.: Private did I give you permission to bleed?
Private: Sir, NO, Sir!
D.I.: Then STOP!!


__________________

thedrifter 05-25-2003 07:18 AM

NOT Stupid:
After a fire started in a downtown hotel four of the guests found the exit downstairs blocked by fire. The guests consisted of an Army Captain, a Navy Captain, an Air Force Col. and a young Marine 2nd Lt.
Surrounded by the fire, the four went up to the roof.
The fire truck soon arrived and the firemen held out a net and yelled up "Ok Ground Pounder, jump!"
The Army Captain responded, "I am an Officer and Gentlemen in the United States Army and you will address me as such."
The firemen yelled back, "Ok, Captain, sir, jump!"
The Captain jumped, the firemen moved the net, and the Captain splattered all over the ground.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Swabbie, jump!"
The Navy Captain yelled back "I graduated from the Naval Academy and you will show respect."
The firemen yelled up "Ok, sir, jump!" again the firemen moved the net and yet another splat.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Flyboy, jump!" The Air Force Col. yelled back "I am a top ace in the Air Force and I deserve some respect."
The firemen said "Ok, pilot sir, jump!" They again moved the net and another big splat.
The firemen yelled up "Ok, Jarhead, jump!"
The Young Marine 2nd Lt. yelled down "I'm not stupid like those other guys, you're not moving the net on me. Before I jump put that net on the ground and step back three paces."

thedrifter 05-25-2003 07:19 AM

Marines On Vacation:
Two Marines were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."

When he returned to the lake, he found the Marines proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you Marines only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's NO WAY the plane can take off with that much weight!"

"You're just a chicken pilot," one Marine said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."

Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered.

"All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."

They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.

Some time later, the Marines regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.

His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."


__________________

VIETNAM 1968 05-25-2003 02:31 PM

Three Travelling Salesmen:
 
Three Traveling Salesmen die on the same day and approach the Gates of Heaven. The first person they meet is Saint Peter who tells all three that people in Heaven are rated by the type of Car they are given when they first enter Heaven. The BETTER THE CAR, THE BETTER THE PERSON WAS WHILE ALIVE.




Saint Peter then asked the First Traveling Salesman how long he had been married. The First Traveling Salesmen then replied: "Forty Years". Saint Peter then asked the Salesman how many times he had Cheated on his Wife. The First traveling Salesman stated: "JUST ONCE"

Saint Peter then told the First Traveling Salesman that his behavior had been almost perfect and told the Salesman that he would be driving a Roles Royce for eternity. The first Traveling Salesman then gets in his BRAND NEW Roles Royce and started driving all around Heaven.




Saint Peter then asked the Second Traveling Salesman how long he had been married. The Second traveling Salesmen then replied:"Thirty-eight" Years". Saint Peter then asked the Salesman how many times he had Cheated on his Wife. The Second Traveling Salesman stated "FIFTEEN TIMES".

Saint Peter then told the Second Traveling Salesman that his behavior was not as good as the First Traveling Salesman so he would be driving a Chevrolet Caprice for eternity. The Second Traveling Salesman then gets into his BRAND NEW Chevrolet Caprice and started driving all around Heaven.




Saint Peter then asked the Third Traveling Salesman how long he had been married. The Third Traveling Salesman then replied: "Forty-one years". Saint Peter then asked the Salesman how many times he had Cheated on his Wife. The Third Traveling Salesman stated: "ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY TIMES"

Saint Peter then told the Third Traveling Salesman that his behavior was a lot worse then either the First or Second Traveling Salesman so he would be driving a small Volkswagen Rabbit for eternity. The Third Traveling Salesman then gets into his BRAND NEW Volkswagen Rabbit and started driving all around Heaven.




After a brief time the Second Traveling Salesman and the Third Traveling Salesman then encountered the First Traveling Salesman stopped at the side of the road. The First Traveling Salesman was crying his eyes out and very emotional.

The Second Traveling Salesman then asked the First Traveling Salesman what could possibly be bothering him so much, as he had a NEW ROLES ROYCE and the other two only had a NEW CHEVROLET CAPRICE and a NEW VOLKSWAGEN RABBIT. After all, the Roles Royce was a very beautiful car and the First Traveling Salesman had only cheated on his wife ONCE in Forty Years.




The First Traveling Salesman then cried out, "I know: But I just saw MY WIFE drive by ON A SECOND HAND MOPED.

:a:
:cd:

thedrifter 05-25-2003 05:40 PM

Some Military Rivalry:
Two Navy Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas,
headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in
the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Marine from Force Recon got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Marine kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the
window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone, the Seal picked up the Marine boot and spit in
it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Seal
said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he
was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the
short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into
his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Marine asked. "This
fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in boots and ****ing in cokes?"

Sitting behind them was a Green Beret who began laughing uncontrollable about the situation. So the 2 Navy Seals and The Marine from Force Recon picked up the Green Beret carried him back to the toilet and stuff his head into the toilet bowl and flush it. One of the Navy Seals said, yeah I agree, how long is this animosity going to continue, these Green Beret?s embarrass us all walking around with tinted blue faces and smelling like **** all the time.

thedrifter 05-25-2003 05:40 PM

Ski Pee


One of the women in the ski group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and into another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

It was the damdest thing you ever saw, he said, I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So how'd you break your arm?"

thedrifter 05-25-2003 05:41 PM

Silent Gas

So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas and she went to the doctor and she said,

"This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?"

He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."

thedrifter 05-25-2003 05:41 PM

Nun's Practical Joke

Three nuns were talking.......

The first nun said "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines"

"What did you do?", the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?", they asked

"I poked holes in all of them!", she replied.

The third nun fainted.

wrbones 05-27-2003 02:24 AM

old ladies go to a ball game
 


> > > >
> > > > Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first
>Diamondbacks
> > > > baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball
> > park.
> > > > The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely
> > > > mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the
> > > > bottle
> > > > is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based on the
> > > > given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > You're gonna love this
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded........
> > > >
> > > >
> > >

thedrifter 06-02-2003 09:23 AM

Not a joke.....but enjoyed this little story,.......

just makes us men think what we do for women.......LOL



The Wedding Zinger

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Bit of Humor by Peter McKay



Jun 1, 2003

The New York wedding this past weekend was an elegant affair, with the reception held in a modernist hall at the Museum of Natural History. I had actually bought a new tie for the occasion, and my wife purchased a new designer dress. The one thing I didn't count on was that with all those antiquities in the museum building, there would also be, to my horror, metal detectors. As I waited in line to go through the machine, I glared at my wife, vowing revenge.

This wedding was a big deal, as we very rarely go out for a night on the town that involves getting seriously dressed up. (My wife complains that most places I take her don't even require shoes.) My wife bought her aqua designer dress on eBay at a steep discount. It was beautiful, from one of those designers whose names I am supposed to recognize but never do. But because the dress was such a big deal, all the accessories had to be, too. (The hunt for an appropriate pair of matching shoes was, no exaggeration, endless. It took almost as long for my wife to find footwear as it took Stanley to find Livingston.)

She also bought, on eBay again, an antique metal purse, which she proudly displayed to me one day when I got home from work. (The purse looked a lot bigger on the Internet, shot in extreme close up. When delivered, the actual purse turned out to be about 2 inches by 3 inches, big enough to hold maybe a Tic Tac box or possibly a deck of cards, if you took out the face cards and both Jokers. My wife declared it "cute.")

The shopping for this event went down to the wire, as we scoured New York shops. One of the last purchases, made just hours before the wedding, was a new "push-up" bra. We ran back to our hotel room to get changed with only a few minutes to spare. As I was tying my tie, my wife gasped from across the hotel room.

"What?" I said.

She turned to me and grimaced. The new push-up bra worked well -- so well, in fact, that it pushed her up out of her somewhat low-cut aqua dress and into the public eye. She could keep under control, she said, if she kept adjusting every two or three minutes, but it would be a struggle.

"What do you think?" she asked, frowning.

Now, as a husband with almost 20 years' experience under my belt, I have learned that situations like this are a minefield. (Never, never, ever offer criticism of your wife's appearance and especially not right before a big fancy event. I am still living down the "Perm of 1986.") But I also knew, without any doubt, that if she left the hotel with that bra on, she'd be sorry. She sort of resembled our toaster at home when the English muffins are done.

"Your decision," I said, "but don't blame me!" I left to go wait for her in the lobby.

The whole way through the wedding ceremony, the congregation kept its eyes on the bride and groom. My wife and I, however, kept glancing down at her chest, which seemed to believe we were attending a coming out party.

After the ceremony, my wife, fed up with trying to keep herself in check, whispered that she was running to the ladies' room. She returned a moment later, clutching the overzealous bra in her fist.

"Here!" she whispered. "Put it in your suit pocket!"

I took a step back. "No!" I said. "Put it in your purse!"

She held up her teeny tiny purse and frowned at me. What with her lipstick, it was filled to the brim. I glared at her, took an angry glance around, and then stuffed the piece of offending lingerie into my suit coat breast pocket. The whole way to the reception, I kept trying to adjust my jacket. With the big lump under one arm, I looked like my wife's bodyguard instead of her husband.

A half hour later, as we stood in the security line at the museum, I watched as my wife handed the guards her teeny tiny metal purse, smiled at me and then breezed through the metal detectors. I held back, suddenly freezing as I reached into my breast pocket and felt my underwire bra.

"Sir?" the guard said. "Please step forward and place all metal objects in the tray."

It was a true dilemma. I could either attempt to sneak through security and hope that I wouldn't set off the alarm, or I could, in front of all these people, admit that I had come to the reception packing a push-up bra.

I stepped forward, knowing that I'd have to turn over my bra. I needed it back, though, as it would be perfect to strangle my wife with.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter McKay is an attorney and writer from Pittsburgh, PA. He grew up (actually just got older) in Chicago, Philadelphia and Florida, and graduated from Penn State University as an English major. He has recently published Welcome to the Nuthouse!, a collection of columns that chronicles a year in the life of a typical suburban family


? 2003 Creators Syndicate, Inc.

Artist (brit) 06-03-2003 03:19 PM

How do you confuse a Queer?

Purple.

Aye Artist (Brit)

wrbones 06-09-2003 01:17 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
> >her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her
> >boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for
> the first time.
> >
> >Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a
> >trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy
> >for about thirty minutes. He tells the boy everything there is to know
> >about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy
> >how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack.
> >
> >"I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.
"I
>
> >intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice." The
pharmacist,
> >with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather
busy,
>
> >with it being his first time and all.
> >
> >That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
> >girlfriend at the door.
> >
> >"Oh I'm so e
>xcited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes
> >inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are
> >seated.
> >
> >The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
and
>
> >the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and
> >still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head
> >down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
> >
> >"I had no idea you were this religious."
> >
> >The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
> >pharmacist."


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