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thedrifter 06-15-2003 11:08 AM

Nothing tougher than Sea Duty

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Marine Corps Gunny are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Marine Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures ... all shore duty."

thedrifter 06-15-2003 11:09 AM

Marines vs Airbornes

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked an Airborne Ranger Staff Sergeant dressed in his class "A" Army uniform, replete with a chest full of combat medals and various other Army decorations and devices. The little boy turned to the Ranger and said, "Wow! Are you an Army Airborne Ranger?" The Ranger replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?" "Boy, would I," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was much more than "just" a man. He was a Marine Private, freshly out of recruit training.

The little boy turned and went over to the Marine. As he approached him, he could see his own reflection in the highly spit-shined shoes of the young Marine. His eyes widened as he stared up at the United States Marine in his dress green uniform with a shooting badge on his left chest. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you a Marine?" The Marine replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am, young man!! Would you like to shine my shoes?" The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not really in the Army Airborne, sir, I'm just wearing his hat !!!!!!!!

thedrifter 06-15-2003 11:09 AM

sent to me by my sis...Cas.......

CALENDAR OF NUDE POLICE OFFICERS

Don't forget that there are both male and female
police officers!!! Check out the link below...
you'll be surprised!

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

wrbones 06-17-2003 02:27 AM

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he
said. "Have you thought it out completely" "Sure," his young son
answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.
It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the
night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step
on it!"

wrbones 06-17-2003 02:37 AM

twin sisters
 
Twin sisters at a nursing home were turning one hundred years old. The

editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and

take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of

hearing and the other could hear very well. Once the photographer arrived,

he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.




The near-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other one.



"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.



Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled

up close to each other.



"Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little," said the

photographer.



Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"



"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"



With a big grin the near-deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD -- BOTH OF US?"

SuperScout 06-17-2003 05:19 AM

Cav
 
Every morning, the old Cavalry sergeant rode out of the fort, and was greeted by an older Apache, sitting by the gate,wrapped in his blanket, staring forlornly ahead. As the Cav trooper approached, the old Apache raised his right hand, middle finger extended and pointing straight up, and then into a horizonal position.

This bazaar greeting occurred daily for about a week, and finally the old Cav trooper could stand it no longer. He reined his horse to a stop in front of the old Apache warrior and said, "Hey, Cochise, I know we beat your people a long time ago, and I know you're still pissed about it, but what's the meaning of this finger stuff every morning?"

The veteran of the Apache wars said, pointing his finger in vertical then horizonal fashion, "This phuck you, and the horse you rode in on!"

wrbones 06-24-2003 02:54 AM

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a
Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates
the autopilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't
like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "Why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ... doesn't matter, you're all
alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all
same!"

wrbones 06-24-2003 02:56 AM

A Wife's Needs

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly Increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
And slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete flyover. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.
No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he enquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

wrbones 06-24-2003 02:57 AM

I remember those days.....
 
SERGEANTS

Two old boys from the Mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted
from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk
and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me
stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants
now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a
bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in
the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me
the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big
okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible
case of gonorrhea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the
privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

SuperScout 06-24-2003 05:38 AM

Mo' Grins!!
 
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

wrbones 06-24-2003 01:27 PM

the Lone Ranger and Tonto
 
Subject: Lone Ranger & Tonto



> > > >The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
> > >
> > > >After they got their tent set up, they fell asleep.
> > >
> > > >Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend
> > >
> > > >and says, "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
> > >
> > > >Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
> > >
> > > >"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.
> > >
> > > >Tonto ponders for a minute, then says," Astronomically speaking,
> > >
> > > >it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
> billions
> > >
> > > >of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time
> > >
> > > >wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
> > >
> > > >Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
> > >
> > > >small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
> > >
> > > >beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
> > >
> > > >The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says,
> > >
> > > >"Tonto, you dumb shit, someone has stolen our tent."
> >

MarineAO 06-24-2003 03:58 PM

Todays Blessing:
 
May the fleas of one thousand camels

infest the crotch of the person

who fucks up your day, and

may their arms be too

short to scratch!

wrbones 06-24-2003 04:10 PM

My neighbor found out her schnauzer dog could hardly hear so she took
it to the veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and
the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this
from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must
know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

SuperScout 06-24-2003 04:22 PM

Be Careful!
 
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,"What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for a year."

wrbones 06-24-2003 10:21 PM

There was an old gal wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco,
Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached. "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am
calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old woman answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're
out
in public."

"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?"


"Lard ass."

wrbones 06-29-2003 04:48 PM

A Valley Girl, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handywoman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do."Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The Valley Girl, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials she might need were in the garage.

His wife overheard the conversation and asked,"Does she realize that porch goes all the way around the house?"
"She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb Valley Girl e-mail jokes we've been receiving." A short time later, the Valley Girl came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked."Yes," the Valley Girl replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats." Impressed, the man handed her the $50.00.

"And, oh -- by the way," the Valley Girl added, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW."

thedrifter 07-02-2003 10:30 AM

The old "Gunny" was getting to be an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.

Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning Gunny", or "Are we ready for a bath", or "Are we hungry?"

The old Gunny had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, after he had received breakfast, he pulled the juice off the tray and put it on his bed side stand. He had also been given a Urine Bottle the evening before to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So..... you know where the juice went.

Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today Gunny....."

At this, the old Gunny snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted...... The old Gunny just smiled......

thedrifter 07-02-2003 10:34 AM

"Alligator Shoes"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.



After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"



The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."



So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.



Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.



One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

thedrifter 07-02-2003 10:36 AM

Gate Guard



One day, four young military warriors turn up outside the pearly gates. St.Peter explained that before these warriors could pass they must answer one simple question.

Up walked the first guy.

St. Peter asked, "What's 2+2?"

The 1st warrior answered: "3"

"NO" said St. Peter.

"5" ?

NO" said St. Peter.

"4"

"Yes, in you go!"

Up comes the second warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

He answered, "The Square root of 16."

Very impressed St. Peter allows him past.

Up comes the third warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

"It's greater than 2."

"Yes"

"But less than 6"

"Yes"

"It's greater than 3"

"Yes"

"But less than 5"

"Yes"

"It's 4"

"Well done; in you go!"

Up comes the fourth warrior. St. Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"

"It's 5, Ooo-Rahhhhh!!!" and with no pause he barges past St. Peter and in through the pearly gates.

Observing all this, an angel asked St. Peter, "What was all that about?"

St. Peter answered, "It's perfectly obvious: there must be a war on earth, and those four men were all military officers who have been killed."

"How can you tell they were officers?" inquires the angel.

"The first guy was a Navy engineer, dumb as seaweed and crude as mud, but he kept hammering away until he got through."

"The second guy was an Air Force pilot, who gave me more information than I really required."

"The third guy was in Army artillery, who was uncomfortable with any firm answer, but was bracketing to zero in on the correct answer."

"But what about the fourth guy?" inquired the angel. "He got it wrong, and then tore through the gates anyway."

"Ahh," said St. Peter, "that was the Marine -- dumber than dirt, but you've just gotta love 'em."

wrbones 07-04-2003 01:31 AM

----
In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there" said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl.

Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern! It seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Ya reckon the light's attractin 'em?"

wrbones 07-12-2003 09:26 PM

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he
had been wearing his seat belt, he just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who looked at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

wrbones 07-16-2003 11:24 AM

...they're up in bed....
 
> >
> >
> > A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
> > "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little
> > boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then
he
> > came back in for lunch and asked his grandma,
> > "where's Mom and Dad?" and
> > she replied "they're still up in bed."
> > Again the little boy started to giggle and he
> > ate his lunch and went out to play.
> > Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his
> > grandma, "where's mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're
still
> > up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked,
> > "what gives?" Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to
> > laugh! What is going on here? The little boy replied, well last night
> > daddy came into my bedroom and asked for the
> > Vaseline and I gave him the super glue."
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>

wrbones 07-24-2003 04:04 AM

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the
kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner
than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the
toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic
shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off
they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his
wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor,
have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied. "But never framed."

thedrifter 08-06-2003 08:31 PM

The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up
to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a
bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is
open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was
that told him
about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with
her.

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open
did
you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (being smarter than a man...of course) thought for a moment and
said,
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two
duffel bags.

thedrifter 08-06-2003 08:32 PM

Stumpy Legged Pink Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, ?Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.?
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, ?Say what breed is that anyway??

The owner says, ?Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.?

thedrifter 08-06-2003 08:33 PM

Adjacent Seats


Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ****?"

thedrifter 08-06-2003 08:33 PM

Baked Beans


A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

thedrifter 08-06-2003 08:33 PM

You See That Indian?

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

thedrifter 08-06-2003 08:34 PM

Out in the Woods

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"

wrbones 09-03-2003 10:30 PM

Onions and Donkeys.....
 
>
> Subject: Ever hopeful
>
>
> > CROSSING A DONKEY WITH AN ONION
> >
> > What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
> > Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
> > but every once in a while you luck out .............
> > ...............and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
> >
>

wrbones 09-03-2003 10:31 PM

Speeding
 
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>
>Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
>Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>
>Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
>Officer: Don't have one?
>
>Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
>Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
>Older Woman: I can't do that.
>
>Officer: Why not?
>
>Older Woman: I stole this car.
>
>Officer: Stole it?
>
>Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
>Officer: You what?
>
>Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
>see.
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
>for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
>officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half!
>drawn gun.
>
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
>out of her vehicle.
>
>Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
>Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>
>Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
>Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The
>woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
>Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
>stunned.
>
>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
>the officer.
>The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
>license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
>owner.
>
>Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
>

wrbones 09-08-2003 12:58 AM

deoderant problems.....
 
>
>
> A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for rectum deodorant.
>
> The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.
>
> Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
>
> "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
>
> "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
>
> "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.
>
> "Yes," said the blonde. "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the
container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
>
> Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
>

wrbones 09-15-2003 11:36 PM

The Final Frontier ?
 
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble
photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite
some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the
Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see lawyers rushing to the scene

wrbones 09-15-2003 11:37 PM

Time to go on a diet....
 
This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years."

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color is it now?"

wrbones 09-15-2003 11:38 PM

Asprin fer a headache....
 
> >
> >
> > A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky
> > > but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed
with
> > > her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her
> > > mouth.
> > >
> > > She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my
> > > mouth?"
> > >
> > > He says, "Two aspirin."
> > >
> > > She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
> > >
> > > He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear".
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>

wrbones 09-15-2003 11:39 PM

Eighty and oversexed....
 
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

wrbones 09-21-2003 12:53 AM

got milk....
 
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the
door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found
your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"


The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can
splash it in my eyes."

wrbones 09-23-2003 09:20 AM

This is ugly....
 
>
> A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
> everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of
> the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each,
> before they enter paradise.
>
> They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
>
> I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
>
> The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
>
> Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
> while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
> laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
> floor, laughing his ass off.
>
> Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy
> calms down and says:
>
> "Make 'em all ugly again"

wrbones 10-10-2003 09:40 PM

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

wrbones 11-05-2003 02:18 AM

I like this kid!
 
But I'd sure as hell keep an eye on him if he worked for me!

A Quick Thinker


A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from Canada!"

"Get outta here!!!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"


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