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wrbones 02-05-2003 09:18 PM

Just fer grins
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

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wrbones 02-05-2003 09:20 PM

I don't know how true this is....
But the guy who sent it to me wouldn't try to pull one over on me!

would he?

The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C. travel agent of 30+ years.

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response...(click).

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas! was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very
rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is(FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you? "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!

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wrbones 02-05-2003 09:21 PM

bar monkey
> > > Bar... Monkey
> > > >
> > > > A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
> >and while
> > > > he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey
> >grabs
> >some
> > > > olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced
> >limes and
> >eats
> > > > them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the
> >billiard
> >balls,
> > > > sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and
> >somehow
> >swallows
> > > > it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what
> >your
> >monkey
> > > > did?"
> > > >
> > > > The guy says, "No, what?"
> > > >
> > > > "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
> > > >
> > > > "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats
> >everything
> >in
> > > > sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
> > > >
> > > > The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff
> >the monkey
> > > > ate and leaves.
> > > >
> > > > Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is
> >with him.
> >He
> > > > orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
> >again. While
> > > > the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
> >cherry on
> > > > the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and
> >eats it.
> >The
> > > > bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
> >he asks.
> > > >
> > > > "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino
> >cherry up his
> > > > ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
> > > >
> > > > "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still
> >eats
> > > > everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball,
> >he
> > > > measures everything first

wrbones 02-05-2003 09:40 PM

bedroom slippers
1 Attachment(s)

Martha Stewart would love this!

Finished product is pictured in the document at the bottom.

To make Bedroom slippers out of maxi pads.
(You can get a box of pads at the Dollar Store). You need four maxi's to
make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two
wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top
pieces to the bottom of the foot part. There you have slippers. Decorate the
tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc.

Now, more about your lovely creations:

Pad-about Slippers (for the Discrete Woman)
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature
* Keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable. Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light day and Get out the Sand Bags

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wrbones 02-05-2003 09:45 PM

1 Attachment(s)

wrbones 02-06-2003 12:48 PM

Good mental health
: Mental Hospital

> > > Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while
> they
> > > were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
> the
> > > deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
> > > Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
> Jim
> > > out.
> > > When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he
> immediately
> > > ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered
> her
> > to
> > > be mentally stable.
> > > When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news &
> bad
> > > news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
> > able
> > > to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regain
> > your
> > > senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with
> his
> > > bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
> > > Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
> >
> >
> >

wrbones 02-06-2003 05:52 PM

the skinflints.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every
year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like
to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane
ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris
said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that
airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50
dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you
a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay
quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't
charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and
dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks
over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the
pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out,
but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when
Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

wrbones 02-06-2003 05:54 PM

There is this guy that was walking by an Insane Asylum one day and
he hears this chanting "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" and his
curiosity gets the best of him.

So he decides to look through a hole in the fence and as soon as he
puts his face up to the fence someone jabs him in the eye and as he
pulls away in pain he hears the crowd chant "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen"

wrbones 02-06-2003 05:55 PM

ethics and doctors
Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty about it all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while, he'd hear his internal voices.

One of them said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last.

Besides, you're single. Let it go..."

But inevitably, the other voice would bring him back to reality saying,

"but Dave, you're a VET..."


wrbones 02-07-2003 02:36 PM

the garden of eden
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

T'was made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole fucking thing.


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