I could relate to a few of them, esp. the computer ones!!!!
 

A little levity for the day:

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I’m great at multi-tasking--- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice – I’m not using it.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years; then we met.

I hate when people use big words just to makes themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

I’ll bet you $4,567.50 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was “Always”.

My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver’s test – the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself types.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.


No matter how hard you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.