Evening Humor
 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process,
told him that he would now need to enter a password ...
Something he will use to log on.


The husband was

in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try
for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in


P...E...N...I...S






His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:







***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

OUCH!!!:D

(LOL) :p

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting
on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, " and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, but cold and harsh, while southern Europe is going to be poor, but sunny and pleasant. I have made some lands
abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot, while this one is very cold and covered in ice."

The archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and asked, "what's that one?"

"Ah", said God, "that's Texas.....the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, streams, hills, and forests. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, intelligent, and humorous and they will be found traveling all over the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high achieving. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped is wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about the balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God replied wisely, " Wait until you see the idiots I put in Austin!"

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey, Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I am chure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to me".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert,don't forget." "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis m i amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush!"

(LOL) :D

RETIREMENT BONUS
 

"RETIREMENT BONUS"

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what
those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to
be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the
tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man
that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the
previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and
they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the
Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape
measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam"
:c:

LOL! :D

Hope none of our vets here are eligible for such a check!

Ow!Ow!Owww!

Jerry,

Gotta hand it to ya, I read that one out loud to everyone in this internet cafe.

Now, being a woman of my word, here's the Auburn joke I promised months ago...


Many moons ago, back when Pat Dye (a Georgia alum) was coaching at Aw-bun, it was the annual Alabama-Auburn game. There were but a few seconds left in the game, and Aw-bun was trailing by 3, it was fourth down, and Aw-bun had the ball at the Bama 3.

Pat Dye decides to turn this one over to the Lord. He says,"Lord, should we kick the field goal to tie, or run right and go for the touchdown?" (I believe Bo Jackson was there at the time.)

The Lord, from on high, tells him,"Run right and go for the touchdown".

So Bama's defense blitzes, stops Aw-Bun in the backfield, the clock winds down, game over, Bama WINS!!!

Pat Dye, disgruntled, looks back to the heavens and ask, "Well, Lord, if you knew that if we ran right and went for the touchdown we would lose, why did you tell me to do that?"

The Lord looks to his right and asks,"Well, Bear, Why did we tell him...."

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."