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wrbones 03-01-2003 07:42 PM

a lawyer joke....
 
THEY AREN'T ALL DUMB, ARE THEY?



A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game.

The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but
comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5.00, :D and goes back to sleep.

wrbones 03-01-2003 08:12 PM

picabo street
 
Olympic Skier

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street, pronounced (Peek'aboo), is not just an athlete, she is also a nurse who currently works in the Intensive Care Unit (I.C.U.) of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is a fine nurse, however, Picabo is not permitted to answer the telephone because too much confusion ensue when she answers the phone and says...

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>"Picabo, ICU".

lurchenstein 03-01-2003 09:12 PM

Jokes
 
GMAO this evening.
Semper Fi ( a drum roll),
-Chris

thedrifter 03-02-2003 07:59 AM

Bill and Hillary



Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.

No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'

thedrifter 03-02-2003 08:00 AM

Banana Split



This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over and has BAD Arthritis.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please".

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts"?

The old man says, "No, Arthritis".

thedrifter 03-02-2003 08:01 AM

Headaches



Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," the doctor says.

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?"

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and sixteen and a half neck?"

Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" he asked.

"It's my job," the salesman said again.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure,"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, size nine and a half

Joe was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman repeated.

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, seven and five-eighths."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" Joe asked.

"It's my job," the salesman laughed.

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size thirty-six?"

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size thirty-four since I was eighteen-years-old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

thedrifter 03-02-2003 08:02 AM

Computer-Illiterates



The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

wrbones 03-02-2003 09:05 PM

some jokes fer the Irishmen among us....
 
At a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
********************************************



Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.



"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

******************************************



An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.



A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the Irishman, "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

**********************************************



Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.



"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda...no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

****************************************



A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

******************************************



Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

wrbones 03-03-2003 09:52 PM

the bronze rat
 
A wealthy tourist walks into an ancient curio shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike,
life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but it is
striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the
owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can
keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he
noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and
had begun to follow him down the street.

This was disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple
blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they were
squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats Now
numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming at him faster and
faster. Terrified he ran to the edge of the Bay, and hurled the bronze
rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats
jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned. The man walked back
to the curio shop.

"Aha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

>

wrbones 03-03-2003 09:58 PM

a drunk Irishman
 
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his
face.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He
crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he
tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound
asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."





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thedrifter 03-04-2003 06:17 AM

A wealthy man decides to go on a safari in Africa.
> > He takes his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day,
the
> > dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the
dachshund
> > discovers that he is lost.
> > So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
> > direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The
dachshund
> > thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
> > Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately
> > settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching
> > cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims
> > loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there
are any
> > more around here?"
> > Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a
look
> > of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says
> > the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
> >
> > Meanwhile, a monkey who has been watching the whole scene from a
> > nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it
> > for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the
dachshund
> > sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures
that
> > something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the
leopard,
> > spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.
> >
> > The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey
> > hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
> > canine."
> > Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his

> > back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
> > But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers,
> > pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get
close
> > enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent
him
> > off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
> >
> > SOMETIMES IF YOU CANT DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE THEN
> > BAFFLE THEM WITH BULL!

thedrifter 03-04-2003 06:18 AM

WIFE


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know...
Double Income, No Kids"

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich,Urban, Biker"

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."

thedrifter 03-04-2003 06:19 AM

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman,
with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him
with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do
about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the
boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the
teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the
shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell
your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the
last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and
said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free
bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch
the expression on his face!"

thedrifter 03-04-2003 06:19 AM

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
> piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
>
> Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
> up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited
> all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel
> and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized
> what was happening and cried horribly.
>
> Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads
> later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he
> saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something
> amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's
> neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake
> it off and take a step up.
>
> Pretty soon everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge
> of the well and trotted off. The Moral...
>
> Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
> getting out of a hole is to shake it off and take a step up.
>
> Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest
> holes just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a
> step up!
>
>
> Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
>
> 1. Free your heart from hatred.
>
> 2. Free your mind from worries.
>
> 3. Live simply.
>
> 4. Give more.
>
> 5. Expect less.
>
> O.K., that's enough of that B.S... The donkey later came back, caught
> the farmer out in the field and kicked the **** out of him. Then he went
> over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the **** out of them too
> for helping.
>
> The REAL Moral to the Story...
>
> When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

thedrifter 03-04-2003 06:20 AM

- THE BLONDE MYSTERY
Blonde and the Seven Ten Cap
Seven Ten Cap

The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

"What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said " I think you want an oil cap."

She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."

Yes, she was a blonde.

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thedrifter 03-05-2003 08:13 AM

Privates on Parade



Two generals, one from the Army and one from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general called over an airman.

"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder,' and then jump off!"

"Yes, SIR!" replied the airman.

He took off for the flagpole like a shot, scaled the pole, sang the anthem, saluted, and jumped off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismissed him.

"Now, that's bravery!" exclaimed the general.

"Bravery, nothing," snorted the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

"Yes, Sir!" replied the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down head first."

"Yes, SIR!" replied the private, who completed the task as directed.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!"

They looked at the Marine.

"Private!" he said.

"Yes, SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma,' put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snapped to attention, looked at the general and said, "To hell with you, sir."

The general turned to the others and said, "Now that's bravery!"

wrbones 03-08-2003 12:12 AM

The first tee
 
>
> It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy
course and
he
> was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing the
upcoming shot, when
a
> piercing voice came over the clubhouse loud speaker.
"Would the
gentleman
> on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
>
> He could feel every eye on the course looking at him. He
was still deep
> in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
>
> Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee
kindly back up
> to the men's tee." He simply ignored the guy and kept
concentrating,
when
> once more, the man yelled:
>
> "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE,
PLEASE!!!"
>
>
> He finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse
window directly
> at the person with the microphone, cupped his hands and
shouted back,
> ........ "WOULD THE ASSHOLE IN THE CLUB HOUSE KINDLY SHUT
THE F%*K UP
AND
> LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!!!!"

wrbones 03-08-2003 12:14 AM

This is an old one, but I like it....
 
Back Seat Blonde

A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they
ended up parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out.
After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get
lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his
date, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.

Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed.
Things are getting really hot, so he asks again.

"Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even
has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.

"Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.

"NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"








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wrbones 03-08-2003 12:20 AM

God and Adam
 
GOD said, "Go down into that valley."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river"

And Adam said "What's a river?"

And God explained it to him. He then said, "Go over the hill."

And Adam said, "What's a hill?"

And God explained it to him. Then he told Adam, "On the other side
of the hill you will find a cave."

And Adam said, "What's a cave?"

And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

And Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, And said "I want you to reproduce."

And Adam said, "How do I do that?"

So God explained it to him.

Adam then went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill,
into the cave, and he found the woman. In about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"





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wrbones 03-08-2003 10:39 PM

Subject: Cajun Blonde Joke

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

Laying nearby were several more of the dead gators.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back and frustrated, shouts out "Dang it, this one's barefoot too!'

lurchenstein 03-09-2003 12:02 AM

Great batch o' grins Marines.
Semper Fi!

wrbones 03-09-2003 01:47 PM

The jigsaw puzzle
 
: Puzzling

A blonde calls her boyfriends and says, "please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it is finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. "Let's have a beer, and then ........" he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

wrbones 03-10-2003 12:54 AM

A Very Deep Hole


Two guys are walking through the woods and came across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

wrbones 03-11-2003 10:06 PM

butter vs shortening
 
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend has a huge penis.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are
in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim
replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller!
I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco??" Bob exclaimed, ....."No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!"
************************************************** *****

wrbones 03-11-2003 10:07 PM

Moses
 
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"

Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



__________________________________________________ __
IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here

wrbones 03-18-2003 10:41 PM

becoming a man in Iraq
 
When does a boy become a man in Iraq?

When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.







__________________________________________________ __
IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here

wrbones 03-18-2003 10:44 PM

Two robins
 
Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and finds some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed
ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could
eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."




________________________________

wrbones 03-18-2003 10:52 PM

pilot's humor
 
It's good to know that some pilots have a sense of humor. Here are some
conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The following
are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around
the world:

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but
get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't ! move till I tell
you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot
broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "! Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between ! Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't
stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One
o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
Overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is o! ur start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war!"






__________________________________________________ __

wrbones 03-19-2003 09:01 PM

80 year old man uses viagra
 
An eldery gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for VIAGRA.

The pharmacist asked "how many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes......"

wrbones 03-20-2003 11:18 PM

Lorena Bobbit's sister in the news!
 







LORENA BOBBITT'S SISTER ARRESTED
API - Clearwater Florida

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday
for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her
husband as her famous sister had done several years
ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as
Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed
her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle
and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in
serious, but stable condition. Luella has been
charged with one count of mis de wiener.




__________________________________________________ __

wrbones 03-23-2003 08:19 PM

A chain letter
 
>
> A Real Man's Chain Letter --
>
> This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to
> other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters,
> this one doesn't cost anything!
>
> Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who
> are equally tired and discontented.
>
> Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to
> the man whose name appears at the top of the following list,
> and add your name to the bottom of the list.
>
> When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.
> One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
>
> At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine has already received
> 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.
>
> REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
>
> One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy
> playmate.
>
> An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was
> able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood
> super model.
>
> You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
>
> One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.
>
> Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the bottom of the
> list below!
>
> Bill Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Billy Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Billie Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave

> New York, NY 10017
>
> B. Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> William Jefferson Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. Jefferson Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. Jeff Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. J. Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> W. Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> William J Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Wilhelm Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Willie Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Will Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Mr. Hillary Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
> Mr. Slick Willie Clinton
> 780 3rd Ave
> New York, NY 10017
>
>
>
>

wrbones 03-24-2003 08:44 PM

the voice of experience.....
 
Actual quotes from kids
ages
> 8 to 15
>
> - "Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
> - "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer."
> Hannah, age 9
> - "When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
> Taylia, age 11
> - "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, age 14
> - "Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, age 13
> - "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. " Emily, age 10
> - "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
> assignment." Traci, age 14
> - "Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers." Mitchell,
age
> 12
> - "A puppy always has bad breath -- even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew,
> age 9
> - "Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, age 9
> - "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, age 9
> - "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, age 15
> - "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, age 9
> - "Don't pick on your little brother when he's holding a baseball bat."
> Joel, age 10
> - "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
> the phone." Alyesha, age 13
> - "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, age 11
> - "Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, age 8
>
>
> (>

wrbones 03-25-2003 08:10 PM

goin' flyin'.....
 
In these days when flying has become humorless, here's a short tale that may make you smile.
A plane was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. You could tell the man was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. It was obvious he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind guy replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a "Seeing Eye" dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only
tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Have a great day and remember.............
Things aren't always as they appear!

wrbones 03-25-2003 10:10 PM

On friendship
 
> When you are sad,............. I will get you drunk and help you plot
> revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
>
> When you are blue,....... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
>
> When you smile,............ I'll know you finally got laid.
>
> When you are scared,......... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
>
> When you are worried,......... I will tell you horrible stories about how
> much worse it could be and to quit whining.
>
> When you are confused,........ I will use little words to explain it to
> your
> dumb ass.
>
> When you are sick......... Stay away from me until you're well again, I
> don't want whatever you have.
>
> When you fall...... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
>
> This is my oath............... I pledge till the end.
>
> Why you may ask?........ Because you're my friend.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

wrbones 03-26-2003 11:51 PM

the old Don and his grandson.....
 
> An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he
> called his grandson to his bed.
>
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna
> you take my chrome plated 38
> revolver so you will always remember me."
>
> But grandpa I really don't like guns, how
> about you leaving me your Rolex
> watch instead."

>"You lisina me, soma day you be runna da
> bussiness, you goina have
> beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and
> maybe a couple bambinos.
>
Soma day you coma home and finda you wife in
> bed with another man. Whata ya
> do then? Pointa to watch and say TIMES UP?"
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >
> >
> >
> >
>

wrbones 03-28-2003 06:34 PM

The gunslinger
 
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will." said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

thedrifter 03-30-2003 07:20 AM

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I?m ten minutes late?"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute? You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you?re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that?s true ? I?m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she?s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she?s lying on her back?"

George said, "That?s when I?m ten minutes late!"

thedrifter 03-30-2003 07:21 AM

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


__________________

thedrifter 03-30-2003 07:22 AM

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the **** out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

thedrifter 03-30-2003 07:23 AM

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."


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