a bear hunter's story
 

Frank was excited about the new rifle he'd bought to take bear hunting this season. As soon as he got it he packed up and headed north to try it out. Right away he spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Almost immediately he felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to face a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin you shot, and I'm giving you two choices.... either I maul you to death or we have sex." After brief consideration, Frank decided it would be wisest to accept the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, located the black bear and shot it. Right afterward there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices..... either I maul you to death or we have sex." Again, Frank thought the best alternative was to cooperate. Although he survived the ordeal, it took several months before Frank finally fully recovered. Now thoroughly outraged he headed back to the woods, where he managed to track down the grizzly who had molested him and shot it. He was enjoying a feeling of sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and found a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

a poor preacher's story
 

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went
to the congregation and asked for a raise.


After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.


After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.


There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.


Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is
an act of God!"


Silence fell on the congregation.


In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too
much, we wear rubbers."




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Bones,
Where do you get this stuff????

You keep me cracked up!

Chilidog

Hey, Chilidog.

I get this stuff from fellow Marines and a certain retired Navy guy who hangs around here that I met on another board several months ago. I don't have time to go lookin' myself anymore. I just post the best jokes I get from those folks! LOL.

You oughta see the ones I can't post on an open forum! LOL

Harvey
 

Walking into the bar Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one,
Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you chickenshit!"






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a little town in Mexico...
 

This happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even though
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in
the middle of a storm. It was late at night and no cars were passing. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. Without further
thought, he gets in the car. closes the car and when he turns to thank the
driver for stopping for him, he realizes there's nobody behind the wheel.

The car starts slowly down the road. The guy looks at the road ahead and
sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he closes his eyes and starts to pray
for his life. Just before the car reaches the curve, a hand appears thru
the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed with fear, watches how the hand appears every time they
come to a curve in the road.

Gathering his strength, he leaps from the car and runs to the nearest
town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of
tequila. He quickly tosses them back and starts telling everybody about
the horrible experience he's just been thru.

A silence envelopes the cantina when everybody realizes the guy is crying
and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walk into the same cantina and one says
to the other, "Look Pete, there's that idiot that got in the car when we
were pushing it.

little Johnny
 

>
>
>The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
>Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at
>the end of it.
>
>The next day the kids came back and one by one began
>to tell their stories.
>
>"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
>
>"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt
>Karen. Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm and her
>plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy
>territory and all she had was a small flask of
>whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the
>whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then
>her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
>enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun
>until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with
>the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed
>the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
>
>"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind
>of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
>story?
>
>"Stay the f--k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
>
>_________________________________________________ _

A bear inna bar in Billings!
 

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.

He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve
beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served
a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve
me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the
end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to !
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,
eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again
demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are
on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

.........You're gonna love this..........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."







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cute, very cute :ab:

a drunk and his car
 

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and
ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.

Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
taking place in a house just a block away.

The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back
and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who
might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all
day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that
he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the
garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still
flashing.

'True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.


.


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