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thedrifter 05-25-2003 06:19 AM

Marines On Vacation:
Two Marines were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."

When he returned to the lake, he found the Marines proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you Marines only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's NO WAY the plane can take off with that much weight!"

"You're just a chicken pilot," one Marine said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."

Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered.

"All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."

They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.

Some time later, the Marines regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.

His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."


__________________

VIETNAM 1968 05-25-2003 01:31 PM

Three Travelling Salesmen:
 
Three Traveling Salesmen die on the same day and approach the Gates of Heaven. The first person they meet is Saint Peter who tells all three that people in Heaven are rated by the type of Car they are given when they first enter Heaven. The BETTER THE CAR, THE BETTER THE PERSON WAS WHILE ALIVE.




Saint Peter then asked the First Traveling Salesman how long he had been married. The First Traveling Salesmen then replied: "Forty Years". Saint Peter then asked the Salesman how many times he had Cheated on his Wife. The First traveling Salesman stated: "JUST ONCE"

Saint Peter then told the First Traveling Salesman that his behavior had been almost perfect and told the Salesman that he would be driving a Roles Royce for eternity. The first Traveling Salesman then gets in his BRAND NEW Roles Royce and started driving all around Heaven.




Saint Peter then asked the Second Traveling Salesman how long he had been married. The Second traveling Salesmen then replied:"Thirty-eight" Years". Saint Peter then asked the Salesman how many times he had Cheated on his Wife. The Second Traveling Salesman stated "FIFTEEN TIMES".

Saint Peter then told the Second Traveling Salesman that his behavior was not as good as the First Traveling Salesman so he would be driving a Chevrolet Caprice for eternity. The Second Traveling Salesman then gets into his BRAND NEW Chevrolet Caprice and started driving all around Heaven.




Saint Peter then asked the Third Traveling Salesman how long he had been married. The Third Traveling Salesman then replied: "Forty-one years". Saint Peter then asked the Salesman how many times he had Cheated on his Wife. The Third Traveling Salesman stated: "ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY TIMES"

Saint Peter then told the Third Traveling Salesman that his behavior was a lot worse then either the First or Second Traveling Salesman so he would be driving a small Volkswagen Rabbit for eternity. The Third Traveling Salesman then gets into his BRAND NEW Volkswagen Rabbit and started driving all around Heaven.




After a brief time the Second Traveling Salesman and the Third Traveling Salesman then encountered the First Traveling Salesman stopped at the side of the road. The First Traveling Salesman was crying his eyes out and very emotional.

The Second Traveling Salesman then asked the First Traveling Salesman what could possibly be bothering him so much, as he had a NEW ROLES ROYCE and the other two only had a NEW CHEVROLET CAPRICE and a NEW VOLKSWAGEN RABBIT. After all, the Roles Royce was a very beautiful car and the First Traveling Salesman had only cheated on his wife ONCE in Forty Years.




The First Traveling Salesman then cried out, "I know: But I just saw MY WIFE drive by ON A SECOND HAND MOPED.

:a:
:cd:

thedrifter 05-25-2003 04:40 PM

Some Military Rivalry:
Two Navy Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas,
headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in
the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Marine from Force Recon got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Marine kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the
window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone, the Seal picked up the Marine boot and spit in
it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Seal
said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he
was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the
short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into
his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Marine asked. "This
fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in boots and ****ing in cokes?"

Sitting behind them was a Green Beret who began laughing uncontrollable about the situation. So the 2 Navy Seals and The Marine from Force Recon picked up the Green Beret carried him back to the toilet and stuff his head into the toilet bowl and flush it. One of the Navy Seals said, yeah I agree, how long is this animosity going to continue, these Green Beret?s embarrass us all walking around with tinted blue faces and smelling like **** all the time.

thedrifter 05-25-2003 04:40 PM

Ski Pee


One of the women in the ski group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and into another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

It was the damdest thing you ever saw, he said, I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So how'd you break your arm?"

thedrifter 05-25-2003 04:41 PM

Silent Gas

So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas and she went to the doctor and she said,

"This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?"

He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."

thedrifter 05-25-2003 04:41 PM

Nun's Practical Joke

Three nuns were talking.......

The first nun said "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines"

"What did you do?", the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?", they asked

"I poked holes in all of them!", she replied.

The third nun fainted.

wrbones 05-27-2003 01:24 AM

old ladies go to a ball game
 


> > > >
> > > > Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first
>Diamondbacks
> > > > baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball
> > park.
> > > > The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely
> > > > mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the
> > > > bottle
> > > > is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based on the
> > > > given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > You're gonna love this
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded........
> > > >
> > > >
> > >

thedrifter 06-02-2003 08:23 AM

Not a joke.....but enjoyed this little story,.......

just makes us men think what we do for women.......LOL



The Wedding Zinger

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Bit of Humor by Peter McKay



Jun 1, 2003

The New York wedding this past weekend was an elegant affair, with the reception held in a modernist hall at the Museum of Natural History. I had actually bought a new tie for the occasion, and my wife purchased a new designer dress. The one thing I didn't count on was that with all those antiquities in the museum building, there would also be, to my horror, metal detectors. As I waited in line to go through the machine, I glared at my wife, vowing revenge.

This wedding was a big deal, as we very rarely go out for a night on the town that involves getting seriously dressed up. (My wife complains that most places I take her don't even require shoes.) My wife bought her aqua designer dress on eBay at a steep discount. It was beautiful, from one of those designers whose names I am supposed to recognize but never do. But because the dress was such a big deal, all the accessories had to be, too. (The hunt for an appropriate pair of matching shoes was, no exaggeration, endless. It took almost as long for my wife to find footwear as it took Stanley to find Livingston.)

She also bought, on eBay again, an antique metal purse, which she proudly displayed to me one day when I got home from work. (The purse looked a lot bigger on the Internet, shot in extreme close up. When delivered, the actual purse turned out to be about 2 inches by 3 inches, big enough to hold maybe a Tic Tac box or possibly a deck of cards, if you took out the face cards and both Jokers. My wife declared it "cute.")

The shopping for this event went down to the wire, as we scoured New York shops. One of the last purchases, made just hours before the wedding, was a new "push-up" bra. We ran back to our hotel room to get changed with only a few minutes to spare. As I was tying my tie, my wife gasped from across the hotel room.

"What?" I said.

She turned to me and grimaced. The new push-up bra worked well -- so well, in fact, that it pushed her up out of her somewhat low-cut aqua dress and into the public eye. She could keep under control, she said, if she kept adjusting every two or three minutes, but it would be a struggle.

"What do you think?" she asked, frowning.

Now, as a husband with almost 20 years' experience under my belt, I have learned that situations like this are a minefield. (Never, never, ever offer criticism of your wife's appearance and especially not right before a big fancy event. I am still living down the "Perm of 1986.") But I also knew, without any doubt, that if she left the hotel with that bra on, she'd be sorry. She sort of resembled our toaster at home when the English muffins are done.

"Your decision," I said, "but don't blame me!" I left to go wait for her in the lobby.

The whole way through the wedding ceremony, the congregation kept its eyes on the bride and groom. My wife and I, however, kept glancing down at her chest, which seemed to believe we were attending a coming out party.

After the ceremony, my wife, fed up with trying to keep herself in check, whispered that she was running to the ladies' room. She returned a moment later, clutching the overzealous bra in her fist.

"Here!" she whispered. "Put it in your suit pocket!"

I took a step back. "No!" I said. "Put it in your purse!"

She held up her teeny tiny purse and frowned at me. What with her lipstick, it was filled to the brim. I glared at her, took an angry glance around, and then stuffed the piece of offending lingerie into my suit coat breast pocket. The whole way to the reception, I kept trying to adjust my jacket. With the big lump under one arm, I looked like my wife's bodyguard instead of her husband.

A half hour later, as we stood in the security line at the museum, I watched as my wife handed the guards her teeny tiny metal purse, smiled at me and then breezed through the metal detectors. I held back, suddenly freezing as I reached into my breast pocket and felt my underwire bra.

"Sir?" the guard said. "Please step forward and place all metal objects in the tray."

It was a true dilemma. I could either attempt to sneak through security and hope that I wouldn't set off the alarm, or I could, in front of all these people, admit that I had come to the reception packing a push-up bra.

I stepped forward, knowing that I'd have to turn over my bra. I needed it back, though, as it would be perfect to strangle my wife with.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter McKay is an attorney and writer from Pittsburgh, PA. He grew up (actually just got older) in Chicago, Philadelphia and Florida, and graduated from Penn State University as an English major. He has recently published Welcome to the Nuthouse!, a collection of columns that chronicles a year in the life of a typical suburban family


? 2003 Creators Syndicate, Inc.

Artist (brit) 06-03-2003 02:19 PM

How do you confuse a Queer?

Purple.

Aye Artist (Brit)

wrbones 06-09-2003 12:17 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
> >her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her
> >boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for
> the first time.
> >
> >Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a
> >trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy
> >for about thirty minutes. He tells the boy everything there is to know
> >about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy
> >how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack.
> >
> >"I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.
"I
>
> >intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice." The
pharmacist,
> >with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather
busy,
>
> >with it being his first time and all.
> >
> >That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
> >girlfriend at the door.
> >
> >"Oh I'm so e
>xcited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes
> >inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are
> >seated.
> >
> >The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
and
>
> >the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and
> >still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head
> >down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
> >
> >"I had no idea you were this religious."
> >
> >The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
> >pharmacist."


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