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-   -   Just fer grins (http://www.patriotfiles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25061)

wrbones 02-05-2003 08:18 PM

Just fer grins
 
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."






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wrbones 02-05-2003 08:20 PM

I don't know how true this is....
 
But the guy who sent it to me wouldn't try to pull one over on me!


would he?




The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C. travel agent of 30+ years.

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response...(click).

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas! was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very
rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is(FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you? "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!




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wrbones 02-05-2003 08:21 PM

bar monkey
 
> > > Bar... Monkey
> > > >
> > > > A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
> >and while
> > > > he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey
> >grabs
> >some
> > > > olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced
> >limes and
> >eats
> > > > them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the
> >billiard
> >balls,
> > > > sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and
> >somehow
> >swallows
> > > > it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what
> >your
> >monkey
> > > > did?"
> > > >
> > > > The guy says, "No, what?"
> > > >
> > > > "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
> > > >
> > > > "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats
> >everything
> >in
> > > > sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
> > > >
> > > > The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff
> >the monkey
> > > > ate and leaves.
> > > >
> > > > Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is
> >with him.
> >He
> > > > orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
> >again. While
> > > > the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
> >cherry on
> > > > the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and
> >eats it.
> >The
> > > > bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
> >he asks.
> > > >
> > > > "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino
> >cherry up his
> > > > ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
> > > >
> > > > "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still
> >eats
> > > > everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball,
> >he
> > > > measures everything first

wrbones 02-05-2003 08:40 PM

bedroom slippers
 
1 Attachment(s)

Martha Stewart would love this!

Finished product is pictured in the document at the bottom.

To make Bedroom slippers out of maxi pads.
(You can get a box of pads at the Dollar Store). You need four maxi's to
make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two
wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top
pieces to the bottom of the foot part. There you have slippers. Decorate the
tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc.

Now, more about your lovely creations:

Pad-about Slippers (for the Discrete Woman)
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature
* Keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable. Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light day and Get out the Sand Bags











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wrbones 02-05-2003 08:45 PM

.
 
1 Attachment(s)
.

wrbones 02-06-2003 11:48 AM

Good mental health
 
: Mental Hospital


>
> > > Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while
> they
> > > were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
> the
> > > deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
> > > Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
> Jim
> > > out.
> > > When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he
> immediately
> > > ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered
> her
> > to
> > > be mentally stable.
> > > When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news &
> bad
> > > news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
> > able
> > > to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regain
> > your
> > > senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with
> his
> > > bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
> > > Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>
>
>
>

wrbones 02-06-2003 04:52 PM

the skinflints.
 
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every
year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like
to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane
ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris
said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that
airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50
dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you
a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay
quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't
charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and
dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks
over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the
pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out,
but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when
Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

wrbones 02-06-2003 04:54 PM

curiosity
 
There is this guy that was walking by an Insane Asylum one day and
he hears this chanting "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" and his
curiosity gets the best of him.

So he decides to look through a hole in the fence and as soon as he
puts his face up to the fence someone jabs him in the eye and as he
pulls away in pain he hears the crowd chant "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen"

wrbones 02-06-2003 04:55 PM

ethics and doctors
 
Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty about it all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while, he'd hear his internal voices.

One of them said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last.

Besides, you're single. Let it go..."

But inevitably, the other voice would bring him back to reality saying,

"but Dave, you're a VET..."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wrbones 02-07-2003 01:36 PM

the garden of eden
 
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's
needin'".

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

T'was made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole fucking thing.

__________________________________________________

wrbones 02-09-2003 12:08 PM

lost boy
 
>

> > A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He
> > approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost
> > my dad!"
> >
> > The cop asked, "What's he like?"
> >
> > The little boy replied, "Beer and pussy!"
> >
> >
>
>
>

wrbones 02-09-2003 12:11 PM

a night on the town
 
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

nang 02-09-2003 04:12 PM

That last one was cold! :ab:

wrbones 02-09-2003 05:35 PM

I thought it was funny! :D

wrbones 02-10-2003 07:15 PM

The story of my life :D
 
A talk with God
>
>A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the
>clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
>
> "God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
>
> God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
>
> The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
>
> God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
>
> The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
>
> God answered, "In a minute.

wrbones 02-10-2003 08:04 PM

Havin' a bad day
 
>
> This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been
> sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver
> steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
>
> The poor little guy starts crying.
>
> "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
> "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
>
> "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
> can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting,
> so
> my boss fired me.
>
> When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no
> insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I
had
> forgotten my wallet in it.
>
> At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
>
> So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life,
and
> you show up and drink the damn poison."

thedrifter 02-12-2003 06:14 AM

SLEEPY MARINE....................................

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

wrbones 02-15-2003 10:27 AM

A redhead joke
 
>
>
>
>
> A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
> hurts
> > wherever she touches it.
> > Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and
> pushes
> her
> > elbow and screams
> > in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and
> screams.
> > Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
> >
> > The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she
> says,
> > "I'm actually a blonde."
> >
> > "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken".
>

wrbones 02-15-2003 10:34 AM

a single woman
 
>
> A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart
of
> milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
>
> As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk
> standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the
> cashier.
> He said, "You must be single."
>
> The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on the
> belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said,
> "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?"
>
> The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."
>
>
>

wrbones 02-15-2003 09:44 PM

a red neck valentine poem
 
Subject: Happy Valentine from Bubba

Poem

Straight from L.A. (Lower Alabama)

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luvs you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo






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wrbones 02-19-2003 10:21 PM

a bear hunter's story
 
Frank was excited about the new rifle he'd bought to take bear hunting this season. As soon as he got it he packed up and headed north to try it out. Right away he spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Almost immediately he felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to face a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin you shot, and I'm giving you two choices.... either I maul you to death or we have sex." After brief consideration, Frank decided it would be wisest to accept the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, located the black bear and shot it. Right afterward there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices..... either I maul you to death or we have sex." Again, Frank thought the best alternative was to cooperate. Although he survived the ordeal, it took several months before Frank finally fully recovered. Now thoroughly outraged he headed back to the woods, where he managed to track down the grizzly who had molested him and shot it. He was enjoying a feeling of sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and found a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

wrbones 02-19-2003 10:34 PM

a poor preacher's story
 
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went
to the congregation and asked for a raise.


After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.


After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.


There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.


Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is
an act of God!"


Silence fell on the congregation.


In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too
much, we wear rubbers."




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chilidog 02-20-2003 11:55 AM

Bones,
Where do you get this stuff????

You keep me cracked up!

Chilidog

wrbones 02-20-2003 02:32 PM

Hey, Chilidog.

I get this stuff from fellow Marines and a certain retired Navy guy who hangs around here that I met on another board several months ago. I don't have time to go lookin' myself anymore. I just post the best jokes I get from those folks! LOL.

You oughta see the ones I can't post on an open forum! LOL

wrbones 02-20-2003 08:04 PM

Harvey
 
Walking into the bar Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one,
Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you chickenshit!"






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wrbones 02-21-2003 05:05 PM

a little town in Mexico...
 
This happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even though
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in
the middle of a storm. It was late at night and no cars were passing. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. Without further
thought, he gets in the car. closes the car and when he turns to thank the
driver for stopping for him, he realizes there's nobody behind the wheel.

The car starts slowly down the road. The guy looks at the road ahead and
sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he closes his eyes and starts to pray
for his life. Just before the car reaches the curve, a hand appears thru
the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed with fear, watches how the hand appears every time they
come to a curve in the road.

Gathering his strength, he leaps from the car and runs to the nearest
town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of
tequila. He quickly tosses them back and starts telling everybody about
the horrible experience he's just been thru.

A silence envelopes the cantina when everybody realizes the guy is crying
and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walk into the same cantina and one says
to the other, "Look Pete, there's that idiot that got in the car when we
were pushing it.

wrbones 02-22-2003 11:03 AM

little Johnny
 
>
>
>The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
>Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at
>the end of it.
>
>The next day the kids came back and one by one began
>to tell their stories.
>
>"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
>
>"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt
>Karen. Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm and her
>plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy
>territory and all she had was a small flask of
>whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the
>whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then
>her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
>enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun
>until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with
>the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed
>the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
>
>"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind
>of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
>story?
>
>"Stay the f--k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
>
>_________________________________________________ _

wrbones 02-22-2003 09:17 PM

A bear inna bar in Billings!
 
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.

He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve
beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served
a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve
me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the
end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to !
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,
eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again
demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are
on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

.........You're gonna love this..........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."







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nang 02-23-2003 09:26 AM

cute, very cute :ab:

wrbones 02-24-2003 07:26 PM

a drunk and his car
 
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and
ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.

Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
taking place in a house just a block away.

The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back
and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who
might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all
day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that
he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the
garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still
flashing.

'True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.


.


__________________________________________________ __
IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here

wrbones 02-25-2003 07:56 PM

The train ride
 
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that
seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said,
You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit
there?". I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend
her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You
know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos
on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong
bitch out the window


__________________________________________________ __

wrbones 02-25-2003 08:05 PM

Two hillbillies in a bar.
 
> >Two Hillbillies from Missouri walk into the local bar
>
> >to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer.
>
> >They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking
>
> >about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a
>
> >nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
>
> >cough.
>
> >After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is
>
> >in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her
>
> >and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head
>
> >no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue
>
> >and shakes her head. The hillbilly walks over to the
>
> >woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her
>
> >panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks
>
> >in a circular motion. the woman is so shocked, that
>
> >she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out
>
> >of her mouth.
>
> >As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
>
> >slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his
>
> >beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that
>
> >there "Hind Lick" maneuver, but I ain't never seen
>
> >nobody do
>
> >it."
>
>

wrbones 02-25-2003 08:28 PM

relatives?
 
>
> > > > A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
> > > > not saying a
> > > > word.
> > > > An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> > > > neither of them wanted
> > > > to concede their position.
> > > > As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and
> > > > pigs, the husband
> > > > asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
> > > > "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
> > > >

wrbones 02-25-2003 08:48 PM

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out
of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas
station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream
and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to
eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the
engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."

wrbones 02-26-2003 03:17 PM

Investments
 
> >
> >The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night
and
> >demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly
aroused
> >state, he readily agreed.
> >
> >This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30
years,
> >him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
> >
> >Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very
drunken
> >state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial
> >ruin
> >caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a
> >50 year old released executive.
> >
> >Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12
> >years
> >totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she
> >gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth
> >nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest
> >stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged
> >him
> >each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
> >
> >By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the
car.
> >She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,
"If
> >I
> >had only known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my
> >business!"
> >
> >

wrbones 02-26-2003 08:33 PM

The Latest Psychological Techniques

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

wrbones 02-26-2003 08:39 PM

I don't know if this is true or not.
 
A Gunnery Sergeant sent it to me......






IS THIS A CRAZY WORLD OR WHAT!!!!!

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century:

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! (IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?)

wrbones 02-27-2003 10:00 AM

Police warning
 
Police warn all clubbers, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages

nang 02-27-2003 02:15 PM

Those were definitley a good batch this time. That "Hind Lick " one had me rolling on the ground. Made my day :u:

wrbones 03-01-2003 06:37 PM

Have a drink!
 
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink, and if you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life."

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside a bar drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks," then he lowers his voice and says to the barman ".. and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that darn nun again is it?"


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