[GreyWolf]

Helllo. I'm the "relative through marriage". I have just finished registering so I'm a boot. First off, I'd like to thank all who have offered help and their thoughts. Seems that I am having real trouble organizing MY thoughts this morning. But nuthin' new there.
Reckon I'll let ya'll know why I'm disabled. I have Major Depression Disorder. It is clinical and much, much different than the "run of the mill" depression. Not saying that the"r.o.t.m." type is any less painful, its just major depression sticks around for life.
I have been in what I call a slight depression continusely (sp?) for a few years now. Don't think my wife knew that. Reckon she will now tho. I apologize to her for that. It's just I didn't want to burden her with telling her every day that I was depressed. Especially since she has been going thru so much sh** herself for a couple of years. She has been suffering from depression herself from this stuff and I haven't been there for her. And I'm sorry for that. Its too the point that she doesn't even look to me for support anymore. And that really hurts.
When I'm depressed, I go into my own little world and don't see what is going on around me. Everyone I love ends up suffering. I don't even notice. When it gets worse, I want to stay in bed all the time. My wife has seen that a few time herself. When I "crash" I am in Hell in my head. I don't even want to be alive. I crashed 4 years into my first marriage. She left me because of it. This crashed lasted 6 or 7 YEARS. After the divorce I lived with my mother. Eventually, I was ok enough to move into my own place.
Now my wife wants to leave me. She thinks that I just dont give a sh** about anything. My words, not hers. She has told me a couple of times before that she is unhappy here and with me and I would straighten up for a few days or weeks, then fall back into my old pattern. She even told me that she was gonna leave me. About a month ago she told me again that she was leaving me. This time the message got thru. I have been doing my best to straighten up again. I'm not gonna slide this time. I have told her that but she doesn't believe me. Understandable. But I swear that its true.
She has given me 6 months to prove to her that I can do better, to do what a husband and father are supposed to do. But she has so many doubts. 6 months may not be enough. I don't want her to leave. I love her with all my heart. She has told me that she doesn't love me romantically any more. She doesn't even consider us friends. I dont know how to be romantic with her when she doesn't want to be romantic.
Our children are the most important part of her life. And I think I have failed the part of father. She says that it is a lost cause with the two oldest. The son hates me so much. And the daughter is indefferent. The younger two I have a chance with I feel. I just haven't had a chance yet. But this Friday I should have a chance. God willing we are going fishing. I know that this is just a start but I am willing to do anything I can do to become a bigger part of their life. I have no children of my own from my first marriage and was thrust into the role of father with our 4. I didn't have a clue as to what to do. Reckon I still don't. All I can do is try and hope that she understands when I make mistakes. I am doing drama club with our youngest daughter. But that didn't turn out like we thought it would. Seems that all I am allowed to do is drop her off at practice and then pick her up. The people who run the club won't even let me sit inside quietly. They just kick me out.
I'm sorry to have biched and moaned so much about my personal problems here. I don't know if this forum is set up for this. If not I apologize.

Now for some of my military experiance. I was in the Marines for 4 years. First I was a 8161, security forces. Then I went back to 0311, general infantry. As a 8161, I was stationed on a classified base in New Jersey. I held a secret clearance. Because of this I am not allowed to talk about anything there due to national security. The orders were that no Marine was supposed to be there for longer than 18 months due to stress levels. I was there for 2 and a half years. Hell, at one point the new C.O. was asking ME questions on how the base was run since I was the "old man" there. The stress was incredible. I went from saying OOH RAH to saying Fu** this sh**!!! I was very depressed towards the end of my stay there tho I didn't know it was depression at the time. I knew something was wrong but I didn't get seen because I was afraid I would lose my security clearance. That is why I am non-service connected. Bit myself in the ass for that one.
I left New Jersey to go back as 0311 at Camp Lejeune. The Gulf war was on and we were going thru intense training because were to ship out to Iraq. I was in 3/8 India Co. We were a Helo Company. Never did care for flying on the damn things. A month or so before boarding ship for the trip to Iraq, they surrendered. Tho this was good news, The stress had already became a factor in my health.
When we shipped out, we went on a Med. cruise instead. 5 men died from that cruise all from different circumstances. One was a Marine captian who died because his Herrier (sp?) disentergrated. No one was ever told how. The whole ship was entitled to Inniment Danger Pay twice and I still dont know why. I'm not good with Geography so I thought it was because of being near Iraq.
I was going to be a lifer in the Marine Corps but due to 4 years of nothing but intense stress, I opted for discharge instead. Now I wished I could have stayed, war or not. One thing I found out was that I am not cut out to lead. I made Corporal before the cruise and was in charge of a fire team. It was hard for me to make decisions and be a good leader of my men. This may be due to my depression but I can't say that for sure.

I am going to leave now at this point. I have sit here way to long tryin' to figure out what to write and I am tired. If you have read all this, I thank you. Any input will be greatly 'preciated.