[sfc_darrel]

I've said that if I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down
those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York
City and Washington, D.C. But, I'm over 60 now and the Armed Forces say
I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join
the Army.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off
to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join
until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys
only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is
a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into
submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war
until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on
the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35
and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do
wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early
just to show we can (and to steal the neighbor's newspaper and pee).

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably
forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be
a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also
developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost
better than naps.

The army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to
the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give
me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top
of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out. To learn that
a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in
the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons
to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before
sending them off to a possible death.

Let us old guys track own those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our
hearts on September 11. The last thing they'd want to see right now is a
couple of million old farts with attitudes.