Live from New York, It's Hillary Clinton!

[Music and applause]

Thank you ladies and gentlemen thank you. Isn't that a great band?
Let's hear it for The Dixie Chicks.

[applause, hoots and wolf whistles]

It's great to be back in New York. It took me forever to drive here
from St. Louis. I stopped at a gas station to ask Gandhi for
directions and ended up at the beach making my own salt.

[general laughter]

What else? Well, I guess by now everyone's heard about Britney Spears'
wedding in Las Vegas. I guess it was a Chinese ceremony, because half
an hour later, Britney was single again.

[light laughter and applause]

Ha ha, this comedy stuff is easy!

And what's the deal with Canada? First it's SARS, then it's the East
Coast blackout, now it's mad cow disease. Maybe we should build a
barbwire fence up there instead of along the Rio Grande.

[light laughter]

Speaking of Mexico. Did you see in the paper where Bush is easing
restrictions on immigration? Hey that's great news for Rush Limbaugh.
Now whenever he needs a fix, he can just hang a burrito outside on his
door knob.

[nervous laughter and clearing of throats]

What else? Oh, I saw where about half of the new Iraqi army has quit.
So I guess that just means more cab drivers here in The City, am I
right? Hey Mohammed, once around Central Park and then take me to
Ground Zero.

[gasps]

Hello hello? [taps microphone] Is this thing on? ...Ha ha.

Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, happy belated Kwanzaa to everyone. We
all know the seven phases of Kwanzaa, right? There's Umoja, which
means "Cash the welfare check." Then there's Kujichagulia, that means
"Which one of you is my daddy?" Then there's Ujima, which means "Cut
me off another big slice of that watermelon." I forget the rest.

[silence]

Well, we have a great show for you tonight. I'll be talking with Trent
Lott, and Strom Thurmond's love child. And our musical guest is
Eminem. We'll be right back.

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