Subject: Friday Morning Monologue

[sfc_darrel]

Subject: Friday Morning Monologue

How's everyone doing? Well folks, it's been a week since Isabel hit and according to Dick Cheney we can't rule out the possibility of a link to al Qaeda. I followed news of the storm on Fox News where they still kept using that stupid phrase "fair and balanced." Now do you really need to keep saying that when you're covering a hurricane? I mean are there people who are pro-hurricane?

I'm fascinated by these reporters who feel they have to stand outside in the storm to report. It's like the Weather Channel version of "Jackass."

Because of the hurricane last week, the Bush administration sent home all non-essential government employees--like his economic team, CIA fact checkers, his environmental advisers, etc. It's hard to believe that a week later there are still thousands of people without power, but most of those are just Democrats in Washington.

That stupid recall election in California is everywhere on the news these days. Every time they show one of those idiot candidates on television, the IQ level of us Flawridians increases a point. I understand Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new slogan for his campaign. The slogan is "Join Me." I believe this is actually a shorter version of Bill Clinton's campaign slogan, which was "Join me in room 331."

This week Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy's sister, endorsed Schwarzenegger, saying he's not a womanizer. Of course by Kennedy standards that means he never drove one off a bridge!

In other news this week, George Dubya spoke at the United Nations saying that right now it is more important than ever that the countries of the world be united. I thought they were already united--against us. After the speech Dubya met and had lunch with French President Chirac. There was one odd moment when Dubya asked Chirac if he wanted more freedom fries.

France is now saying they may send some help to Iraq. Boys, France is always quick to lend a hand. I hear they also will be sending some help to Alaska to clean up the Exxon Valdez spill and if that works they might help get Baby Jessica out of that well.

There are also reports that France may agree to train Iraqi soldiers. Don't Iraqis already know how to surrender?

Four-star general Wesley Clark announced last week that he is running for president. After the announcement, Clark supporters handed out Clark bars to the crowd. The idea went over so well that Richard Gephardt has decided to change his name to Dick Butterfinger.

According to a Newsweek poll, if the presidential race were held today Clark and George Dubya would be in a virtual dead heat. In a related story George Dubya announced he is calling Clark out of retirement and sending him to Iraq.

Bill Clinton is urging his wife Hillary to run for president and to start touring the country or at least get out for an hour each Friday night.

What else is happening? Here's some Flawda news. A judge down here is being called too tough because he makes drunk drivers put embarrassing bumper stickers on the cars they drive. Too tough? Hey, why are they still even driving?

Scientists have now for the first time successfully grown the first sperm cells in the laboratory. Now how lazy are men getting in this country? We can't even make our own sperm.

And researchers are now testing Viagra on athletes as a
performance-enhancing drug. And you thought it was exciting when they won a race by a nose!!

Last Thursday night, the new edition of my favorite how "Survivor"
premiered. All the contestants were dropped on a tiny island completely surrounded by water--North Carolina.

Cigarette maker RJ Reynolds is going to lay off 40 percent of their work force. That should be pretty easy for them. After all, RJ Reynolds has already laid off about 20 percent of the population.

Here's an interesting statistic. According to the National Health
Service, 64 percent of men surveyed say they now get exercise. However, here's the sad part--the poll was of our Jacksonville Jaquars! See folks, they haven't won a game..oh never mind.

The United Nations is reporting that due to spring floods that the cocaine crop in Colombia is down by one-third. In a related story, Whitney Houston's next CD will only be twenty minutes long.

A Japanese woman believed to be the oldest woman in the world turned 116 last week. She's known for her habit of sleeping for two days, then staying awake for two days. Which I don't know if that's a great habit when you're 116. Sleeping for two days? There's a good chance someone might bury you!

Hey, I'm outta here. Y'all have a gud'n!

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