Humor for Tuesday

[82Rigger]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The blonde says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[frisco-kid]

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago .

Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly : So are you.


Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your
daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

[SuperScout]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second old guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's okay. By coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other find our wives. What does your wife look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and she's wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter... let's look for yours!"

[darrels joy]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of 64th President, Jimmy Carter)
*( I certainly agree with this one.)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was notpleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, butfine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- WC Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will
avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. but everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
- Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal