Did You Hear?

[HARDCORE]

MR. JONES GOT HIMSELF A NEW SECRETARY. SHE WAS YOUNG AND SWEET AND VERY POLITE. ONE DAY WHILE TAKING DICTATION, SHE NOTICED HIS FLY WAS OPENED.

WHEN LEAVING THE ROOM, SHE SAID: ?MR. JONES, YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN.? HE DID NOT UNDERSTAND HER REMARK, BUT LATER ON HE HAPPENED TO LOOK DOWN AND SAW THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS OPEN.

HE DECIDED TO HAVE SOME FUN WITH HIS SECRETARY. CALLING HER IN HE ASKED: ?BY THE WAY, MISS SMITH, WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN THIS MORNING, DID YOU NOTICE A SOLDIER STANDING AT ATTENTION??

THE SECRETARY WHO WAS QUITE WITTY REPLIED: ?WHY NO SIR, ALL I NOTICED WAS A LITTLE DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON TWO DUFFEL BAGS.?

[janecallanan]

A middle aged women decides to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 57, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and ask the counter girl
the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 57."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a Drug store on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say
30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 57, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell
how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me
put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of
her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of
this, she said, "Okay, okay,..... how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hands and
says, "Madam, you are 57."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how did you
know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's...

[kenmar]

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