Some help for all the clueless men

[MORTARDUDE]

http://www.suntimes.com/output/lifes...tr-gift24.html


Some help for all the clueless men

December 24, 2003

BY PAIGE WISER Staff Reporter Advertisement

You, sir, who forgot to look up the date of Christmas this year. You, sir, who planned to take a stand against this materialistic holiday but then chickened out. You, sir, who imagined that Gucci would be open late tonight.

Yes, all of you.

It's not too late: Even you can give the gift of a gift on Christmas.

We just hate to stereotype you men, but we have a feeling that you still haven't finished shopping for the women in your life.

Not a problem. Sure, it's down to the wire. The Internet will be of no use to you, and monogramming anything is right out. But we can help.

Just ask yourself: How desperate am I? Find your corresponding category, and get cracking.


A bit pressed for time

There still are plenty of stores open today. You may not find the perfect gift with so little time left, but you will come up with something legitimately thoughtful. You can even ask a sales clerk for a box and wrapping, and not get a dirty look in return. Some possibilities:

*Brave the crowds at traditional stores until dinnertime. Accessories are safe because they rarely make her look fat. Nordstrom sells a fringed cashmere scarf for $88. Sweet gifts are always appreciated; Williams-Sonoma sells a chocolate fondue gift set for $49.99. Some Target stores have real diamond pendants and a hip new Isaac Mizrahi line.

*Thrill her from the get-go with the perfect box. We guarantee that she'll love pretty much anything from a Sephora store, although perfume purchases are for advanced shoppers only. Instead, go with the Lola Gloss Menagerie, which costs $45. And then there's Tiffany. But if you don't plan on proposing, make sure the box isn't ring-size.

*Buy a gift card at a Loews movie theater. They come in denominations of $25, $50 and $100. Tell her you'd be happy to be her date, even if her selection involves Nicole Kidman in period costume.

*Stop in at a beauty salon for a gift certificate. Pony up for a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, a massage, or an entire day of beauty. A Warm Shea Butter Wrap (it's a good thing) will run you $80 at Mario Tricoci salons; and if you're running late, you can print out your own gift certificate at www.tricoci.com. Do not, under any circumstances, treat her to a bikini wax.

*Or if all that's too bourgeois for you, see what you can come up with at the grocery store. Who doesn't want a box of Krispy Kremes on the Lord's birthday? You can find them at all Jewel stores.


Starting to panic

Christmas Day is trickier. You'd be surprised how many lazy shopkeepers take the day off. But you can still shop at the following venues:

*Video rental stores: Buy some gift certificates or DVDs for your women, and pick up some concessions at the checkout counter. (Snickers now come in round, bite-size form!) Chick flicks include, but are not limited to, "A Place in the Sun," "Pretty Woman," "Sophie's Choice," "Sabrina," "Dirty Dancing" and "The Last Seduction." Don't get cute with soft porn, unless it's "Y Tu Mama Tambien." Anything with Sandra Bullock in it is a pretty good bet.

*Convenience stores: Granted, it's difficult to wrap a chili-cheese dog. But you could purchase a fresh magazine (may I recommend Cosmo Girl?), give it to a friend, and send in a subscription card on her behalf the next day. Six issues of InStyle magazine will run you $20.87. Lottery tickets are also a fun gift. Just be prepared for family infighting when the numbers hit.

*Drug stores: Many are open 24 hours, even on Christmas Day. You could feasibly excuse yourself during the roast-beast dinner, run to the drug store for all your shopping, and be back in time for mulled wine. Electronics, phone cards, stationery, toys, Doritos, sparkly nail polish, drugs ... there's almost nothing you can't buy. Do you still need something for the little girl in your life? A Powerpuff Girls watch costs $19.99 at Walgreen's.


*Gas stations: You'll find some imaginative cigarette lighters near the counter, along with a number of other items best described as "impulse." Go with yours.

*ATMs: Cash is the greatest gift of all.


Losing all hope

One hour before the scheduled gift opening? Let's get creative. Take a look around the house for these "found" gifts:

*Take a frame from the fireplace mantel and insert a photo of yourself. It's very difficult to tell if a frame's been used.

*Grab a book from your own bookshelf that you think the recipient might like. If you're feeling shameless, fake an author autograph. If the book looks slightly worn, say it's from a vintage shop, and note that it's a first edition.

*Trim the dead leaves off your hanging plant and slap on a red bow.

*Raid your liquor cabinet for a bottle of booze. An unopened bottle, please.


Weeping with anxiety

At this point, you're already driving on the way to Christmas dinner, and still you're empty-handed. The way we see it, you have three options:

*Quickly scan your car for last-minute gifts. Air fresheners, maps (sans coffee stains), umbrellas, snow scrapers, the faux-fur steering wheel cover, galoshes -- these are the makings of a charming theme basket. No basket handy? Tie them all up with jumper cables. If you want to impress that special someone, go ahead and give her your cell phone.

*Once you're there, if you have absolutely nothing to hand over to your loved one, it's time to bluff. Smile and say, "It's back-ordered."

*Or: "I've made a donation in your name to your favorite charity." Once you've made the claim, though, be sure to follow through with a check. Christmas karma is no laughing matter.

It's the most panicky time of the year.