May you rest in peace buddy

[Robert Ryan]

Gary I wasn't there when you died, I was on a In country 3 day R&R when you died the day before thanksgiving in 69. When I got back from R&R I wanted to tell you about my R&R, I couldn't tell you becase you were gone, I asked where you were and Sully told me to see SFC Daivs. Went to see him, he told me to sit down and have a beer with him, he told me you were killed in an ambush. I looked at him. and said sure, he told me again, he said I shit you not, his was killed 2 days ago on Wednseday. It hit me then, so I stood up looked at SFC Daivs and said "Don't mean nothin" He told me to get my squad ready as were going to leave Dak To and go to Jackson Hole. That night I got totally wasted, and went into the bunker next the hooch, and cried, they weren't cleansing tears, they were tears of anger, and hate. I chanaged so much after you died. I tried to keep you alive for over 28 years. I have to tell you I'm sorry for being so selfish and depriving of the rest you so earned. I fianlly cried some cleansing tears when the traveling wall came to Sacramento, the first day I went I just looked at the wall, and left I was feeling that I didn't belong there. The next day I went I was just walking around agian. A buddy from Vietnam Vet Group at the VA was there. He asked how many names do I know on the wall, to many I answered. He then said well lets go find some of th names. We went to the desk where they had a computer to get the names on what wall and what panel number you were on. We walked up to the wall and panel where you were, I saw your name, I felt myself wanting to runaway, my buddy said wait man, look at his name, you owe him that much at least, I again looked at your name, I felt my eyes starting to water, then I reached up and touched your name, the tears starting falling, I felt sad, I finally had to accept you were dead. I cried and said I'm sorry for not being there when it happened, I said I miss you so much Buddy, all pain, and survior guilt I felt started to ease, I felt that I could hear telling me it was allright, and that your at peace, and that I should now move on with my life, and live it the way you would want me to. I still fell sad aroung this time of the year, but I hold you in a different place in my life now, and feel that I was lucky to have you in my life for the time we spent together. I miss you buddy. Rest in peace.