heh heh heh

[thedrifter]

[sfc_darrel]

Ouch!! Talk about a lesson learned the hard way!!!!!!


First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[thedrifter]

A group of senior citizen ladies were touring an Army base, and part of the tour included a meal at the chow hall. After Sergeant Reese showed the ladies the barracks, drill field, exercise area, stockade, and the Colonel's and staff offices, it was off to the mess hall.

After finishing the meal and the Sergeant telling the ladies of the 25,000 meals served each day, the 12,000 pounds of chicken, 200 pounds of butter, 350 pounds of sugar used each day in meal preparation and serving, it was off to the kitchen area where the meals were prepared.

The Sergeant wanted to impress the ladies so he showed all the stainless steel pots that held 100 pounds of mashed potatoes, the freezers that were 75 feet long, the dishwashers that had such hot water that it would kill any germs.

Then off to the baking area where cookies were being made. They were cut into shapes by an automated cookie-cutter and then put on a conveyor belt going to the oven. As the belt took the morsels toward the oven, a big soldier who was shirtless would pick up each cookie, press it to his belly-button and then put it back on the conveyor.

One of the ladies asked why he was doing that procedure. To that the Sergeant said he was doing that to make designs on the cookies.

Then the same lady asked, "Isn't that awfully unsanitary?"

To that he answered, "Lady, you should have been here yesterday when we were making donuts!"

[thedrifter]

A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she says.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," replied the madam.

"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese 75-year-old woman in the corner, "but Bertha here has seniority."

[thedrifter]

Having a car accident can be a confusing experience for many people, especially when asked to write down the details of the accident in a few well-chosen words. The following words were chosen by drivers in the summaries purportedly submitted to police when asked.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went into the bush with just his rear-end showing.

I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep and had the accident.

I had been learning to drive with power-steering. I turned the wheel, what I thought was enough, and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the highway when I struck him.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's lap.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it's path, when it struck my front end.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obstructing my vision. I did not see the other car.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

[thedrifter]

There were these two identical twins named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old fishing boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the very same day that Joe's old boat sank.

A kindly old woman saw Joe one day, and mistaking him for John said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss, you must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no, in fact I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up, and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water."

"She had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front. Every time I used her that hole got bigger, and then she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to those four guys who were looking for a good time."

"I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at once, and then she split right up the middle . . ."

. . . The old woman fainted!

[thedrifter]

[thedrifter]

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide . . . he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms . . .


And then he stuffed the turkey.

[thedrifter]

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"

A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.

Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"

Again embarrassed, she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it.

His mother says, "Okay," and goes back to showering.

Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.

"What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?" asked his mom.

"The lady next door has it, and she's washing Daddy's face with it!" reported Tommy.


__________________

[thedrifter]

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it.

He asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "You know, I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another eight hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. The man taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish, she goes back to sleep and four hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know. I only have eight hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know, you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!"