heh heh heh - Page 14

thedrifter · #**131** 09-27-2002, 03:49 AM

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said: 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."

thedrifter · #**132** 09-27-2002, 03:50 AM

reeb · #**133** 09-27-2002, 05:01 AM

Yall really know how to get a person "kick started" in the morning without the caffine.

Some really good "jokes/quotes" on this page.

Here is one for the kids that get on here:

What does Batman do when he gets up in the morning?

Answers:

Puts on his Batrobe.

Goes to the Batroom.

Then ( sing along with this theme) Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo

One more :

How does Porky the Pig say POOP??

Poo. poo, poo poo, Oh Shit!!!!!

rnough...........

thedrifter · #**134** 09-29-2002, 05:43 AM

Three couples were on the way for a meal so they booked a mini-van to take them to the restaurant. On the way, it unfortunately crashed. When the three of them reached heaven, they were greeted by St. Peter who dealt with them one by one.

The first couple stepped up, St. Peter looked in his file and said, "Sorry, you can't come in here. You have ruled you life on money and greed and you even have a wife called Penny." So, he sent them to Hell.

The next couple came up, again he said, "No, you cannot enter. You have ruled your life by alcohol and you even have a wife called Sherry."

As the third couple was to step up the husband said, "Let's get out of here, Fanny. I'm not standing here just to be insulted!"

thedrifter · #**135** 09-29-2002, 05:44 AM

Q: What technical term has the FBI coined a for the stains found on Monica's dress?
A: "Presidue."

Q: Why couldn't they prove anything in the Monica Lewinsky case?
A: Because she swallowed the evidence.

Q: How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
A: "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth!"

Q: How did they finally bust Bill Clinton?
A: Monica finally coughed up the evidence.

Q: How could President Clinton deny he had sex with Monica Lewinsky?
A: Clinton claims it wasn't sex because, after all, she didn't swallow.

Q: Why did Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
A: She was withholding evidence.

Q: What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
A: Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency.

Q: What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?
A: Missionary.

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff."

Monica didn't get paid for working in the White House. She did it for a GAG.

thedrifter · #**136** 09-29-2002, 05:44 AM

Dear Abby,

I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $1000-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known prostitutes.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them.

In your opinion, Abby, Should I, or shouldn't I let her know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft?

Regards,

Troubled

thedrifter · #**137** 09-29-2002, 05:45 AM

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car.

Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps. So he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his willy and withdraw as soon as he feels the wasp.

The honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor, and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion.

So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage.

The doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.

The husband shouts, "What the hell is happening?"

To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"

thedrifter · #**138** 09-29-2002, 05:47 AM

thedrifter · #**139** 09-30-2002, 05:59 AM

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.

"He said the reflector is broken." replied the Amish lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.

The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake."

thedrifter · #**140** 09-30-2002, 06:00 AM

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."

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