heh heh heh - Page 16

thedrifter · #**151** 10-02-2002, 04:37 AM

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee table.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes. She said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes . . ."

thedrifter · #**152** 10-02-2002, 04:38 AM

A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the cat shot back in. They didn't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

thedrifter · #**153** 10-02-2002, 04:39 AM

A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."

His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?"

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I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag.

After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

thedrifter · #**154** 10-02-2002, 04:40 AM

thedrifter · #**155** 10-03-2002, 05:11 AM

Q: Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
A: God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were definitely put out.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children to explain why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance at having sex.

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In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

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And Moses looked upon the Lord and said, "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off our WHAT?"

thedrifter · #**156** 10-03-2002, 05:12 AM

Bill and Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping.

Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

thedrifter · #**157** 10-03-2002, 05:12 AM

When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed that one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, she said to him, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister?"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."

thedrifter · #**158** 10-03-2002, 05:13 AM

The United States 2000 census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.

"Oh, don't be alarmed, sir," she said. "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen." The lady replied.

"Lady," the census taker gasped, "you're not a nudist - You just don't have time to get dressed!"

thedrifter · #**159** 10-03-2002, 05:14 AM

Sgt_Tropo · #**160** 10-04-2002, 05:20 AM

Two hunters were walking through the deep woods, when one of them collasped. His friend tried to rouse him, but the fallen friend was unresponsive and his eyes were lifeless and glazed.
Thinking quickly, the other hunter pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911.
" 911, what's your emergency?" the operator answered.
"My friend collasped and I think he's dead." the hunter replied.
"Okay", the operator relied, "Just remain calm. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There was a long moment of silence, followed by a the sound of a gunshot.
"Okay, now what?" the hunter responded.