Men - About Men - Page 2

JeffL · #11 11-22-2002, 07:34 AM

Jane said, "Colors...why is it that a man can't tell the difference between wearing his black or his brown shoes with a gray suit, but he can define every shade variance of a woman's nipples?"

Jane, don't you realize that the colors of PARTICULAR things are much more important to men than the colors of shoes? Besides, in today's world, sneakers work just fine with a blue, gray or brown suit.

(Lessee - helmet, flak jacket, hearing protection, deep hole, adult beverage, food - yep! Ready for incoming!

Drywall · #12 11-22-2002, 08:13 AM

Jeff opens with a combination to the body and tags off to Ken. Ken continues with a flurry of jabs helped out by Waz. Then from out of nowhere, Janes mounts a mighty counterattack driving both oppenents back across the ring. DING!! End of round one.

Round two opens with a feint by Catman who then tags off to Wazza. Waz quickly starts out with a little bob and weave while throwing left jabs. Janes furious response almost flattens Waz but he manages to keep his feet. He regains his wits and retaliates with some deft blows and starts to back Jane into a corner. DING!! End of round two.

Waz has tagged off to Jeff to open round three. Jeff throws a couple of heavy punches that stagger Jane.............

Remember gals and gents, it's a 15 round title match.

JeffL · #13 11-22-2002, 08:22 AM

Another flurry of activity follows:

RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW.

1. Men are from earth, women are from earth. Deal with it.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar so we all can see.
13. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissable in an argument.
17. If something we said can be taken two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
18. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
19. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want if done, but not both.
20. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
21. You have enough clothes.

JeffL · #14 11-22-2002, 08:29 AM

PENIS STUDY

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $1,980,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do its own study. After $6,500,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $5.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

blues clues · #15 11-22-2002, 08:37 AM

our tax dollors at work you can't beat that Oh sorry about that.
razz

JeffL · #16 11-22-2002, 08:51 AM

Last one fer a while; gotta go do some things...

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The POINTS SYSTEM is used by women to measure whether you are a good husband or not. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the Points System.
------------------------------------------
SIMPLE DUTIES:
Making The Bed:
You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1

TOILET ETIQUETTE:
You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty: 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2

RUNNING ERRANDS:
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5

NIGHT-TIME SECURITY:
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her pet: -10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

HER BIRTHDAY:
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
Go out with a pal: -5
The pal is happily married: -4
Or frighteningly single: -7
And he drives a Mustang: -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED): -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It's called DeathCop 3: -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable potbelly: -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too!": -800

THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
You reply, "No.": 0
Any other response: -20

COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without checking the time: +100
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -50

janecallanan · #17 11-22-2002, 09:58 AM

Sure takes a lot of you guys to whup me in the ring!

janecallanan · #18 11-22-2002, 10:00 AM

A survey asked women: "What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

They responded...
"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

"I would write my name in the snow."

"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"

"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."

"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

"I would measure it both ways."

"Pee off of a tall building."

"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

"I would treat women better with it."

"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."

"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."

"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

"See how many donuts I could carry with it."

"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

Drywall · #19 11-22-2002, 11:00 AM

A great comeback by Jane. She's all over him like white on rice. Hope we get the bell soon. This looks like it's going to be a long battle.

kenmar · #20 11-22-2002, 11:37 AM

Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women

Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs don't cry.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.