I got a letter from the VA -- I have 30% PTSD -- need advice

[formergrunt70]

Well,Well, I see We found a lively one! I guess You can also call Me a coward. No purple hearts. CIB,11B (straight leg grunt) RTO,Granadier, asst. machine gunner, and walked point from time to time. Probably have PTSD but must be a coward because I 'm afraid to go forward for help because of the bullshit! The last counselor asked when was I in Nam and said last night, and was dead serious. My brothers! I stand behind You. The only "damn cowards" I knew was the ones that burned Their draft cards, went to Canada, or paid to stay in School. So Col just chill, and keep Your comments away from My Heroes. The "TOPP" has spoken! Oh by the way drafted, Ft.Campbell, Ft. Polk, got My orders for 11B grunt and sent to Tropical Paradise (LZ Center) republic of South Viet Nam. So if anyone is looking for a coward on this board it just ain't gonna happen! Thats the bottom line!!!

[Gimpy]

Looks like I'm a pretty GD good judge of "character" after all, huh?

Some of you folks thought I was a bit "harse" with some of my previous "assesments" of the esteemed Cols' character faults, remember?

I definately know a no-good, m-----f--k-- when I see OR hear one, don't I?

This is nothing more than this jerks TRUE personality and TRUE vicious and vile character faults coming to the forefront like he has in the past!

I wouldn't pi$$ on this a$$hole if he was on fire!

I believe my old friend Griz said it best..........I second, and third and forth (I think you get my drift) his motion!

PS-------------Larry, congratulations my friend. Good luck with your appeal. I'll be glad to help you any way I can.

[MORTARDUDE]

Once again, thanks to all. I have really made a mess of my life thse past ten years....I appreciate your friendship, more than you could ever know. It means everything to me.

Larry

[MORTARDUDE]

I have had some time to think about this and would like to share my thoughts...

What comes to mind when the word coward is mentioned most times is either a school-yard bully ( usually an insecure kid from a broken home ), or someone who runs from a battle. ( "The Red Badge of Courage" )

I have realized that yes, I was a "coward", in a manner of speaking, until April of 2002 when I walked into the Vet Center in Memphis.

Most of my story is scattered thru out this site. I consider PF a healing site. I would like to continue that tradition, if possible.

Why was I a coward ? I have to go real deep for this one. I felt that my tour wasn't as bad or involved as much blood and guts as "real Vietnam veterans". Of course, I later found out that only 1 in 7 were in front line combat MOS positions from 1964 - 1972.
That doesn't mean that the folks in base camps or support roles didn't get shot at, get wounded, or maimed, or get PTSD. It is just a number.

I didn't realize until May of 2000, when I saw Gary Ogden's name on the 25th ID Assoc. web site, and I talked to him for 6 hours on the phone, how much about my tour I had forgotten by choice or chance. It seems about 70% of it.

I was also a coward because I just didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Instead I would watch war shows on the History Channel, buy war books, search war sites on the 'Net, and wonder why in the fucking Hell I ever went over there in the first place. I didn't have to go. I was in the 3rd year of college and would have graduated in May 1970 and went in the US Air Force ( ROTC ) as a 2nd Lt for pilot training and would have proably been in South east Asia by Oct 1971 or sooner, doing God only knows what. Also I could have stayed in college until possibly May 1971 by going to graduate schhol, and my number would not have come up in the draft lottery anyway. All my close friends had long since joined to service...

In Feb 1969, I decided I wanted off the thrill ride. My options were :
go to Canada or elsewhere in the world, get married and have a kid, maim myself to get out of the draft, pretend I was gay, go to jail, get arrested for something else and go to jail, join the Coast Guard, USMC, Air Force ( as enlisted ), or the Navy or the Reserves or Guard ( fat chance )....or commit suicide. I weighed all these options from Sept 1969 to Feb 1969. I finally just shutdown, dropped out of school and AFROTC, and rolled the dice. Most people do not realize that making no decision is a decision in itself. I had my head firmly up my arse, so to speak....

Col. Carter ( My Memphis State Univ. ROTC commander, looked me square in the eye and said "you will be in the rice paddies by this Thanksgiving"..and he was exactly right...

fast forward to Oct 1970.... I did not understand the extent and purpose of the Cu Chi tunnel system until I read the book, "The Tunnels of Cu Chi". I found out that many families spent 3,5, or even 10 years underground, while the South Vietnamese and USA war machines spread pain, suffering, death, decay, and chemical poisons above them from 1964 - 1973. The NVA and VC did the same thing, of course, on a much smaller scale...

As I have recounted before, we were setting mechanical ambushes ( claymores ) on our garbage dumps in the Fil Hol just north of Cu Chi. When we would move a mile or so away, we would register 2 mortar tubes on the spot and wait for the tunnel inhabitants to vist our garbage. We were even putting cigs and candy from the SP packs on top to get more customers. The first two times they went off just after dark. Each time produced one very dead VC. The third and last time ( I don't remember us doing this anymore ) I decided to drop a few rounds, as I was leaving for good in a few weeks. I had killed before this, so that was not an issue. The clays went off about 45 mins before sundown. I dropped three rounds on target, and an APC took off. It came back shortly. I knew something was wrong because they were not dragging th body behind the APC as before. I was setting in the FDC track when Sgt. Dailey ( a shake-and-bake ) sat down heavily right in front of me. You have heard the expression "white as a ghost"..well he was...
He said "They were just kids", and left.....you can figure out the rest. I have tried to contact four soldiers who were there, including Dailey, and none will talk to me about it. Are they cowards too ?

fast forward to Nov 1987..... my father had died in March 1986. It affected me profoundly, and still does every day that I am alive.. I was burned out from 15 years of rotating shifts ( change every 2 weeks day, swing, mids over and over again.. and working weekends also ), and we had been trying to sell our house in a bad neighborhood for 2.5 years. The movie "Platoon" put me right over the edge. That was my first unit...3/22 25th ID. I knew it was total BS, but everyone I talked to seemed to know "it was all true", even though they had not seen the movie and didn't know any vets, or knew some "veteran who was there said it was all so true"...... I bottomed out and told my wife I was going to end it all. instead of going thru the VA, I went to a private hospital for 2 weeks.....
I was OK until about 1994 when things started to close in again..

Your original post triggered one of the most gruesome Vietnam dreams I have ever had. It wasn't based on anything I did, but was very vivid and seemed to last forever...



I said all of that to say this...

We wouldn't leave anybody behind on the battlefield in any war, and that holds here as well. Col. Murph, you are a part of our " band of brothers". You are always welcome here !

May God Bless,

Larry

P.S. :

Would I give up the $ 350 a month to get back the last 17 years of my life, erase Vietnam from my mind forever, restore my life savings, restore my credit rating, and restore my marriage ???

In a heartbeat. 'Nuf Sed.

[Gimpy]

My friend...................You're a better man than me. God bless you for your pain and suffering and your compassion as well.

I still have to say....................PHUCK MURPH! He'll never change, and I could give a $hit LESS what he thinks OR believes!

[DMZ-LT]

Larry ain't a better man than you . He is just a man like me , you and Murph. 3/5th Cav web site says " We watched out for each other in combat , I can see no reason shy we should stop now " This is a healing place for me to. Welcome home to ALL the brothers. Did I tell you I was an Opa ?

[MORTARDUDE]

Thanks John. Well stated !!


Gimpy, as for anger, resentment, and all the myriads of other infectious emotions that ride rough-shod along with them .....they just don't work for me anymore...

They eat me up on the inside and accomplish absolute ZERO. If you derive some-sort-of-whatever from it, good for you. I just can't launch fire-breathing posts and flame folks for the hell of it anymore..

My life situations and this stupid...yes "STUPID", "war" have just about put me in the bunker for a long, long while.....

All just IMHO.

If WE don't all take care of each other, then who in the HELL will !!!

I Love you guys ( ALL of you ) !!!

Larry

[MORTARDUDE]

http://www.military-quotes.com/william-shakespeare.htm



Military Related quotations from William Shakespeare


"Cowards die many times before their deaths;
the valiant never taste death but once."
- William Shakespeare ("Julius Caesar")


"Cry 'Havoc' and let slip the dogs of War."
- William Shakespeare ("Julius Caesar")


"In peace nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility; but
when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the
tiger; stiffen the sinews, disguise fair nature with hard favored rage. . ."
- William Shakespeare ("King Henry V")


"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers. For he today that sheds his
blood with me, Shall be my brother; be ne'er so vile, This day shall gentle
his condition. And gentlemen in England now abed, Shall think themselves
accursed they were not here, And hold their manhood's cheap whiles any
speaks, That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."
- William Shakespeare ("King Henry V")


"From now until the end of the world, we and it shall be remembered.
We few, we Band of Brothers.
For he who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother."
- William Shakespeare ("King Henry V")

[MORTARDUDE]

http://www.25thida.com/TLN/tln5-39.htm#2-22-1

This was from 12 OCT 70. We got the idea from them. I rotated out of the field on 27 OCT 70, and DEROSed on 5 NOV 70, 18 days early....


Mechanical Ambushes Surprise, Subdue Viet Cong

Triple Deucemen Foil Scroungers

By SP4 FRANK SALERNO

CU CHI - Five Viet Cong took on three mechanical Americans eight miles north of here recently and didn't live to tell the tale.
Elements of Alfa and Headquarters Companies 2nd Battalion (Mech), 22nd Infantry set up a series of armchair ambushes near suspected enemy dwelling places .

Advice

In a variation on Wee Willie Keelers advice to baseball batters, the Triple Deucemen played "hit them where you ain't." When the mechanical devices detonated, the Americans were tucked safely in their night defensive positions.
Alfa Company got three for two. Three VC tripped two separate charges in areas they had called home not too many days before.

Bunkers and Tunnels

"We set them up in night defensive positions (NDPs) and in areas where we find enemy bunkers and tunnels," said Specialist 4 Rich Janway of Headquarters Company.
"Many times the enemy has returned to these places and unsuspectingly hit the tripwire of a concealed claymore mine.
Janway's buddies set their mechanical ambush inside one of their previous night defensive positions. As a result, the enemy, in his haste to scrounge through the trash the Americans left behind, tripped the mechanical trigger, losing two of his number.

Find Supplies

"Besides eliminating the enemy, we often find supplies he carried along with him," said Sergeant Henry Smith, a squad leader in Alfa Company." At one of the sites, we found two AK47s, 500 piasters and a notebook besides the dead VC."

After Sunset

"One interesting thing is that these mechanicals were detonated shortly after sunset," said Specialist 4 Paul Lewis from New Cayuma, Calif.

[Mark Krofek]

Colmurph, I agree with the rest of the guys I'am rated 50% ptsd and 60 % wounds get a 100%, I sure wasn't looking for any hand outs.. Once one always one A BIG RED ONE Mark Co.C 1/18th. 68