heh heh heh

[thedrifter]

Making Cigarettes

Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking along a trail in the woods.

Little Susie noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly.

"Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

Little Johnny stops to consider his answer, and replies, "They're making

cigarettes."

"Cigarettes?" she says, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon they

approach a couple of raccoons. Little Susie asked, "Are they making

cigarettes too?"

"Yea," says Little Johnny

Little Susie looks around and says, "it looks like all the animals are

making cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?"

Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"

A hour or so later Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking out of

the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kinda cigarettes did we

make?"

Little Johnny stops to think about his answer, then replies, "Well if

you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it's a Lucky

Strike."

[SweetSue]

omg... time to change my name! lolol

[JeffL]

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

[Wazza]

Sorta like the flea crawling up the elephant's leg with rape in mind!

[janecallanan]

Senior Citizen Conversations
**********************************************
Three old guys out walking.
First one says. "Windy isn't it? "
Second one says, "No its Thursday"!!
Third one says. "So am I. Lets go get a beer".
**********************************************
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
**********************************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few
days
later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young
lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and
be
cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be
careful."
**********************************************
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms-- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin etc.
The
couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very
much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host,
"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your
wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago."

[janecallanan]

Videos

PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy?
Titanic or The Clinton Video

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their
forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...ooh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ...basically the same thing

[daniel topliffe]

jane...i can tell you have either been reading a lot or doing hours and hours of research...which???

dan

[daniel topliffe]

wazz...you must have been doing some more lab work???

dan

[thedrifter]

Having a bad day?



There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients

always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,

regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and

some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around

11 a.m. on Sundays.



So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause

of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m.,

all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for

themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden

crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil

spirits.



Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday

sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so

that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

[thedrifter]

Having a Bad Day?



The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil

spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most

expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and

applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale

ate them both.



Still think you are having a bad day?



A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking

frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his

waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly

current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm

in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his

Walkman.

_____