Afternoon Humor!

[goodnessgracie]

Irish Yoga is the form most often practiced atop Psyco Mountain

[goodnessgracie]

1. Andy Rooney on Monica.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week.
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian wor d meaning "lousy hunter."

3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can 't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

6. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car
that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

8. Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." BEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."

[MarineAO]

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship



holding her hat tight



so that it would not blow away in the wind.





A gentleman approached her and said,



"Pardon me, madam.



I do not intend to be forward



but did you know that your dress



is blowing up in this high wind?"





"Yes, I know," said the lady.



"I need both my hands



to hold onto this hat."





"But madam, you must know that you are



not wearing any panties



and your privates are exposed!"



said the gentleman in earnest.





The woman looked down,



then back up at the man



and replied,



"Sir, anything you see down there



is 85 years old.



I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[MarineAO]

A crusty old Marine Corps Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event,
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached
the Sgt. Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations.

"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady asked him, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little
extreme?"

The Sgt. Major, glanced at his watch.

"You think so? It's only 2130 now."

[MarineAO]

As the owner of 35 domain names, I can understand the hairpulling frustration of someone trying to register the perfect domain name for his organisation. Here's a list of actual domains that could have used a little more thought Enjoy.

1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views:

www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?

www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?

www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with
Power-Gen?

www.powergenitalia.com

[goodnessgracie]

Man, that's messed up!

[goodnessgracie]

Woman, as explained by engineers:

[Keith_Hixson]

The husband had just finished reading the book,
'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

Keith

[goodnessgracie]

Keith, you're too much!!!

Proof of Global Warming:

[SuperScout]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."