heh heh heh

[thedrifter]

A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp LeJeune, N.C., and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back."
The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's offer. One Marine gets up and leaves.
Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine.

"Yep," replies the SEAL, and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels.

Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement.

The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?"

The Marine replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"

[thedrifter]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired his full benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ...

"From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

[thedrifter]

The First Affair
> > >>There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
>teen-aged
> > >>daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
> > wanted.
> > >>After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
> > >>months later delivered
> > >>a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his
>new
> > >>son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
> > ever
> > >>seen.
> > >>
> > >>He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the
> > >>father of that child "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
> > Then
> > >>he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
>me?"
> > >>
> > >>The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"
> > >>
> > >>The Second Affair
> > >>A mortician was working late one night It was his job to examine the
>dead
> > >>bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
>examined
> > >>the body
> > >>of Mr. Brinkley, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
> > discovery:
> > >>Brinkley
> > >>had the longest private part he had ever seen!
> > >>
> > >>"I'm sorry Mr. Brinkley," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
>to
> > >>be cremated with a tremendously huge private
> > >>part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the
> > >>coroner used his tools
> > >>to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a
> > >>briefcase and took it home.
> > >>
> > >>The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you
> > that
> > >>you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
> > >>
> > >>"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Brinkley is dead!"
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>The Third Affair
> > >>A man walks into a bar one night He goes up to the bar and asks for a
> > beer.
> > >>"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy. The
> > >>barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he
>asks,
> > >>"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips,
> > >>peas, and a fried egg?"
> > >>"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real
> > money."
> > >>
> > >>"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "FOUR
> > cents!"
> > >>exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman
> > replies,
> > >>"Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
> > >>
> > >>The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
> > >>
> > >>The Fourth Affair
> > >>Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by
>his
> > >>side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
>praying
> > >>roused him from his slumber.
> > >>He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling
>Becky,"
> > >>he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
> > >>
> > >>He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
>I
> > >>must confess to you."
> > >>"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
> > >>
> > >>"Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
> > >>
> > >>"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best
> > >>friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
> > >>
> > >>"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
> > >>
> > >>The Fourth Affair
> > >>An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
> > evening.
> > >>He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
> > >>with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling,vSweetheart, Pumpkin,
>etc.
> > >>The couple had been married almost 70 years and,clearly, they were still
> > >>very much in love.
> > >>
> > >>While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
> > host,
> > >>"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your
> > >>wife those loving pet names"
> > >>
> > >>The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I
> > >>forgot her name about 10 years ago."
> > >>

[thedrifter]

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.

Miners Refuse to Work after Death.

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
War Dims Hope for Peace.

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.

[thedrifter]

big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
> He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
> like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
> anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only
> one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
>
> "I have to take your temperature."
>
> After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed
> his arms and opened his mouth.
>
> "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an
> oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining, but
> eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse
> insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something.
> Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to
> his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears
> people walking past his door, laughing.
>
> After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
>
> "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
>
> Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
> someone having their temperature taken?"
>
> After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

[thedrifter]

Famous Quotes on Sex


"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen."
Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns

"I can remember when riding motorcycles was dangerous and having sex was safe."
Unknown

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Matt Barry

"My kid had sex with your honor student."
Bumper Sticker

"My sexual preference is not you."
T-shirt

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."
Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast."
Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
unknown

What do I know about SEX, "there sure isn't any where I'm going" Member - 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit

[thedrifter]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
> Amarillo
> > Theater.
> >
> > When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
> > cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
> >
> > The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
> >
> > The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from
there
> > I'm going to have to call the manager."
> >
> > Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
> >
> > The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned
> > with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move
the
> > cowboy, but with no success.
> >
> > Finally, they summoned the police.
> >
> > The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right
> > buddy, what's your name?"
> >
> > "Sam," the cowboy moaned.
> >
> > "Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
> >
> > With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..."

[thedrifter]

small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think, you're a rising big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, and bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point,
the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the
bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if
she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt of court."

[thedrifter]

Magic Beer.
Clever.

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the
bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says,
"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

[thedrifter]

Life in Alabama


NEWS FLASH! - Montgomery, AL-----Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Alabama students crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Montgomery. The University search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
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An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-59. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
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A group of BAMA friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired of him. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!
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Two Alabama football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _____." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer! in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
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Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Alabama was overheard saying, if the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama. Everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world!
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A young Tide Football player came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? "The young player answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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