heh heh heh

[thedrifter]

Don't Disgrace your Family



There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

[thedrifter]

Have a coke and a smile.

Bob

There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Which is why I'm only sending one more...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[thedrifter]

HER DIARY
> > Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at
> a
> > bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
> > thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
> > comment.
> > Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
> we
> > could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
> > I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
> > I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing
> to
> > do with me and not to worry.
> > On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
> > driving.
> > I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love
you,
> > too."
> > When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to
> do
> > with me anymore.
> > He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.
> > Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed
and
> to
> > my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt
> > that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
> > I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him
> > with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
> > I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
> > I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
> someone
> > else.
> > My life is a disaster.
> >
> > HIS DIARY
> > Today the Packers lost, but at least I got laid.

[thedrifter]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT ***** - She is a LOW COST PROVIDE

[thedrifter]

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep
> > > France!
> > >
> > > ---John Lippman
> > >
> > > "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
> > > drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
> > > prostitutes."
> > >
> > > ---Mark Twain
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
> > > one behind me."
> > >
> > > ---General George S. Patton
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
> > > accordion."
> > >
> > > ---Norman Schwartzkopf
> > >
> > >
> > > "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about
> > > it."
> > >
> > > ---Marge Simpson
> > >
> > >
> > > "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
> > >
> > > ---Jacques Chirac, President of France
> > >
> > >
> > > "As far as France is concerned, you're right."
> > >
> > > ---Rush Limbaugh,
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army
> > > is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
> > >
> > > ---Regis Philbin
> > >
> > >
> > > "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
> > > better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit
> > > outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more
> > > stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I
> don't
> > > know."
> > >
> > > ---P.J O'Rourke (1989)
> > >
> > >
> > > "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of
> > > the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't
> > > have the face for it."
> > >
> > > ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because
> > > he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French,
> > > people."
> > >
> > > ---Conan O'Brien
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
> > > Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans
> out
> > > of France!"
> > >
> > > ---Jay Leno
> > >
> > > "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it [the proof] came
> > > marching into Paris under a German flag."
> > >
> > > ---David Letterman
> > >
> > >

[thedrifter]

A very shy guy goes into a club and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he
finally goes over to her and asks,tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I
chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly
and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to
his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles
at him and says,

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

[thedrifter]

MOSES


Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"

Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"

[thedrifter]

man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend has a huge penis.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are
in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim
replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller!
I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco??" Bob exclaimed, ....."No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!"
**************************************************
*****

[thedrifter]

Five Floors



A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[Dragon Gunner]

I'm bartending one evening at the local watering hole , when this very attractive blonde comes in . After she has a seat and gets herself situated I walk over and ask her what she'd like to drink , she says" a gin and tonic" . I grab a fresh glass and grab a hand full of ice , shoot the ice in the glass , then proceed to make her drink . I slide it in front of her and tell her it will be $4.50 .
She asks me if I would make her another drink , but this time would I please use the ice tongs . She says she doesn't like anyone touching anything that she is going to put into her mouth . I tell her that I would be more than happy to make her another , then I apologize for my behavior . This time I make sure she watches me as I grab a fresh glass , use the ice tongs to place the ice in her glass , then make her drink .
I take this fresh drink and set it in front of her , and I say , "you know I'm kind of like you when it comes to touching anything someone else touches or any thing like that ." "As a matter of fact , I have this string tied to my penis , and everytime I have to take a leak , I reach in and grab this string so I don't have to touch it ." Then I leave and go down to the other end of the bar .
About 5 minutes go by and this blonde yells to me to come over to her . I ask her what she wants and she says , "If you reach in and grab the string so you don't have to touch it , how do you put it back in your pants ?"
"I use the ice tongs !"

Hey SQUATA