heh heh heh - Page 74

thedrifter · #**731** 03-14-2003, 05:47 AM

it's hell getting old
>>
>>Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual
>>activities.
>>The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she
>>gets
>>her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed
>>and
>>putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
>>The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that
>>night
>>when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got
>>totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her
>>head.
>>The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit
>>arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even
>>tougher
>>time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she
>>finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a
>>little
>>too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with
>>her
>>butt sticking straight up in the air.
>>It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
>>
>>"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put
>>your
>>teeth in .... you look like an asshole."

thedrifter · #**732** 03-14-2003, 05:48 AM

The Young Wife

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" he asked.

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help," the man said.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon, he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the police department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago," the officer said.

thedrifter · #**733** 03-14-2003, 05:48 AM

The Shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean $200?"

thedrifter · #**734** 03-14-2003, 05:49 AM

A Carnal Test

Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young couple.

The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to abstain from having sex for two weeks."

"No problem," said all three couples.

Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.

"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."

The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in this church, don't you?"

The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home Depot anymore, either."

thedrifter · #**735** 03-17-2003, 07:36 AM

Woes Of a Senile Man

A 64 year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

thedrifter · #**736** 03-17-2003, 07:37 AM

Idiots Stand Up

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

thedrifter · #**737** 03-17-2003, 07:38 AM

Liquor

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen ***** than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."

thedrifter · #**738** 03-17-2003, 07:39 AM

thedrifter · #**739** 03-17-2003, 07:39 AM

thedrifter · #**740** 03-19-2003, 07:59 AM

http://cagle.slate.msn.com/National_Heckle/main.asp

http://cagle.slate.msn.com/fiore/

http://cagle.slate.msn.com/mondo/MondoTerror.asp