heh heh heh

[1IDVET]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The
priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with
his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the
priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for
about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[sfc_darrel]

This is good, really really good - watch out for that beer!
http://home.attbi.com/~no-spam/Beer.swf

[SEATJERKER]

... time to turn on your speakers, and crank up the volume, and you allll know the words so sing along, and have a good morning...

go to...

http://www.poofcat.com/iraq2.html

...

[philly]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the
side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to
go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is
a hot break- fast and the morning newspaper. His son
is also at the table eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,
drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in
order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting
for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[sfc_darrel]

Little fly

A happy little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure.

Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.


She ate. And ate...and then .. like all females, she ate some more!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.

She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.

But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.

Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor!



Dead Fly....



The moral of this sad story?





Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

[sfc_darrel]

What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 min.

[nang]

Life isn't fair

[David]

In a small town near Washington, DC, a barber opened his shop for business. A young enlisted Marine comes in to get a "high and tight". The barber asked the young Marine about his service, and a lot of small talk takes place. After the haircut is complete, the Marine opens his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house Marine. Thanks for your service to this great nation." The next morning as the barber goes to open his shop, there is a box on his doorstep. In the box was a note of thanks and a "SEMPER FI" bright red T-shirt.

That same morning a young Army G.I. comes in for a haircut. The same sort of story happens. They talk about the Army and other small talk. After the haircut is complete, the G.I. stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country." The next morning as the man is opening his barbershop, on the doorstep is a box with an Army ball cap and a thank you note.

That same day, a Navy Chief comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen...small talk about the service. When the Chief goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, Chief, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to this great nation." You guessed it, the next morning, as the barber went to open his shop, there on his doorstep ... were three more Chiefs!

[David]

By the time the Chief pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - a Marine Gunny," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Chief assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the Chief came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Chief.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Chief explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[David]

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."