Obama's speech

[1CAVCCO15MED]

It was interesting to me to notice what statement by Obama got absolutely no applause from either side. It was when he said, "It is time we brought common sense to Washington". That pretty well demonstrates my political philosophy.

[MORTARDUDE]

He seems in great fear of talking without a teleprompter. He was even using one in a "speech" to elementary school students the other day. Not really sure what this says about the man.

[Keith_Hixson]

No applause because everyone knows he is inacapable of that. In other words, he lacks "common sense."

Keith

[1CAVCCO15MED]

Obama's teleprompter is on twitter



Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tonight's Big Speech

Wow, what a day. Big Guy and I have been busy for hours rehearsing this State of the Union Address. I hope all of you are ready, because it's going to be a long one. I mean, really long.

Just to prepare, we had Toes and Gibbsy and a few other staffers sit in on the rehearsals this afternoon. If you factor in the 43 standing ovations and 35 other applause lines we counted ourselves, this speech could go on for hours.

Now I should tell you that there is no truth to the rumors that Big Guy is going to not be using me tonight, or that he's giving me up for one of those newfangled iPads. Let's face it. The man does only a few things well, and he's going to announce that he's not going to spend any more of your money. Without the spending, that's leaves reading from my screens as the only skill for which he seems to have any aptitude. Well, there's also being patronizing, but as Toes says, that's less of a skill than a natural talent for Big Guy. All in all, I think I'm safe.

You may be wondering what Big Guy is going to talk about tonight. Well, he's going to talk a lot about taxes and jobs, especially how he's going to use the same formula we used in New Hampshire's 73rd Congressional District, where in a matter of days last October we achieved almost full employment. He's also, out of concern for national security, going to call for the strengthening of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Now some people might look at that as just a shout out to his girl Ellen, since we're basically sucking up the "American Idol" time slot. But, no, we're not talking about the one about gays in the military. We're talking about the the new White House policy that means we won't have to keep hearing about that pesky "transparency in government" issue all the time.

Finally, Big Guy's biggest mission tonight is to show that he understands that Americans are angry with him, as well as the failed Bush Administration and its failed policies that failed. Big O feels the best way he can do this is by explaining to his fellow citizens why they are mad. Which brings me back to giving Big Guy something to do: because if he can't spend your tax dollars, and you don't want him reading off my screens, being patronizing may be the only thing left he can give to his country. And in that regard we all know Big Guy has a lot to give.
Posted by TOTUS at 4:11 PM 30 comments
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I'm Back. Recharged. Ready for Tomorrow Night

Wow. Is it only 2010? Given the mood around here in the Oval, you would've thought we'd already seen the outcome of the mid-term elections.

As you can probably guess, since the holidays, we've all been hunkered down here. Big Guy and Toes didn't take kindly to the way we were treated up in New Jersey and in Virginia with those states races. And now we've got some guy from Massachusetts double parking his truck infront of the White House so Big O's agenda can't get moving.

Well, all of that is going to change tomorrow night. Big Guy and I have been working tirelessly for the past three weeks with world-renowned film director, lovable character actor and speechwriter Jon Favreau on the State of the Union address, and it's a doozey.

For example, Big Guy spent a lot of time working on this new middle class tax cut plan he'll roll out tomorrow. He and Timmy Geithner and Biden worked for days trying to figure out the best policy approach. Big Guy wanted to cut taxes 10 percent. Biden said that wasn't enough for blue collar folk, and said 20 percent. Timmy tried to split the baby and go with 15 percent.

In the end, all of the proposals just seemed unworkable to Big Guy, not because he's a socialist or anything, but because he realized to cut taxes, you actually have to have people making enough money to pay taxes.
Posted by TOTUS at 3:20 PM 29 comments
Friday, January 1, 2010
It's the Chicago Way

TSA has been in the news a lot lately, and none of it has been good news from Big Guy's perspective. Last night, in between the champagne, the late night walk on the beach, which led to three canceled national security briefings, more champagne and a game of Twister, Big Guy talked to Gibbsy about trying to get better PR for an agency that was getting way too much PR. Good luck with that.

Now comes word that some people on Capitol Hill think our nominee to head TSA, Erroll Souther, might not be the best guy for the job to protect people's privacy. It seems when he was an FBI agent he accessed his ex-wife's boyfriend's criminal record, and he wasn't authorized to do that. That was 20 years ago, and now everyone is up in arms about it.

I would have thought that a year into our administration, most people would have figured out how we work. See, Big Guy comes from Chicago, where the old fable about the fox guarding the hen house is taken pretty seriously as an approach to good government. Big O nominated Timmy Geithner, who was a tax cheat, to oversee our economy and tax policy. Who better to understand how to stop cheaters, than to hire one of the best cheaters in the country to run the agency? Democrats hate the Pentagon, so who better than a Republican, Bob Gates, to run DoD, since he probably respects the military? Who better to understand the lax border policies of DHS than a governor who encouraged lax border policies, and now you have the perfect job for former Arizona governor Bruno.

So in the case of TSA, you have Souther, who clearly doesn't respect anyone's privacy. nominated for a job that will allow him, thanks to full body screening machines, to see just about everyone's most intimate privates whenever he wants. Who better to know what to do with all those photos?

This is just the way Chicago political mind works, but sometimes you don't need to pretzel logic it that much. After a strong, effective Vice President like Dick Cheney, Big Guy simply went in the opposite direction. Hence the Biden pick.
Posted by TOTUS at 10:30 AM 151 comments
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Rush to Judgement

One little Nigerian getting on a big plane to fly into Detroit is one thing. But when a known political agitator like Rush Limbaugh is allowed to travel to the same island as Big Guy, without any screening or intelligence briefing, that's when you see the steely leadership of Big O.

I don't think I'm breaking Top Secret secrets, but let me tell you, this Rush situation is a real window into how Big Guy operates.

Almost immediately after learning Rush has been rushed to the hospital for care of possible heart attack symptoms, Big Guy had questions, like, "Please tell me it's life-threatening," and "I thought I barred government assassinations of enemies of the state," and "Is this the hospital where I was allowed to pull the plug on Grammy, and if so, when can I go visit Rush to give him my best?" He had others, too, but given operational security, I can't share them with you.

Perhaps those weren't the most pertinent questions, but you can see how Big Guy was focused like a laser on the immediate threat, particularly since, with Rush being bedridden, on blood-thinners and with both sides of his brain likely tied behind his back, this could provide Big Guy his best opportunity to best him. Assuming I was there to lend a hand. But as Gibbsy said during our third briefing on the matter before Big Guy went snorkling, "Likely isn't a certainty at all."

While Rush is clearly a sore point with Big Guy, Rush is aces in my book. He helped promote this site and encouraged me to be open about the goings on in the Oval.

I wish him speedy recovery, and I will do my best to distract Big Guy once he's back from seashell-necklace-stringing class with Lady M.

And Happy New Year to you all.
Posted by TOTUS at 11:36 AM 20 comments
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
You Say Yemen ...

Whew, it's kind of hot here in Hawaii, and I'm not talking about the picture-perfect, 70-degree-in-the-sun-no-humidity-weather.

I understand that a lot of people are anxious about this terrorist bomber thingee that took place a few days ago, and especially nervous about the fact that Big Guy seems a bit detached. But, hey, the man is working hard on relaxing after a pretty tough year of saving the economy, creating more than a million mythical jobs (which are a lot tougher to keep on the books than real jobs, by the way), building unanimous support for health care reform and winning the war against human-caused disasters in Afghanistan.

But the real delay in getting a strong statement out on the Northwest bombing story is really my fault. You see, we can't find a fancy pronunciation for Yemen appropriate for Big Guy to use. This might seem a minor point, but Big Guy isn't happy unless he can flatten an "A" or add an umlaut to a pronunciation. That's why he really wishes this terrorist attack could have taken place from a Latin American location or Addis Ababa. Yemen is just, well, Yemen.

Big Guy tried playing around with the phonetics on my screen, trying to add an extra "e" so it would sound like "Ya-meen." But that just sounded silly. So as soon as we come up with pronunciation of the country befitting Big O's oratory skills, we'll get back to you. Otherwise, just enjoy the holidays. We sure are.
Posted by TOTUS at 8:53 AM 21 comments
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Misreading Between the Lines

Big Guy was having a particularly leisurely breakfast this morning here in paradise, when he kind of coughed up his fresh papaya juice. He was reading the daily news summary that Gibbsy and his team pull together for him. "The [damn] media," Big Guy said. "I can't believe they'd allow something like this to be published."

Toes asked what it was. Big Guy said, "Slate claims, and I quote, 'civilians ... are under a relentless and planned assault from the pledged supporters of a wicked theocratic ideology.' That's a little unfair calling our administration and our supporters something like that. I mean, they can be a little over the top with their love for me, but really ... "

Toes leaned over and read the piece. "Sir, they're not talking about us. They're talking about al Qaeda."

Big O was kind of embarrassed for a couple of seconds, then just laughed it off, saying, "Man, I'm too stressed out. I need a vacation."
Posted by TOTUS at 7:32 AM 15 comments
Monday, December 28, 2009
Aloha Means Whatever

Big Guy had a busy morning today. First, he had breakfast with Lady M. Then he played with the neighborhood kids to make sure they got their daily allotment of exercise, that was followed by a nap after he canceled his morning national security briefing. Keeping kids fit is tough work.

But that nap wasn't entirely put to waste. Before nodding off, he said he thought quite a bit about Bruno and this terrorist attack that went slightly awry. Then Big Guy played some golf. Now some people have complained that Big Guy hasn't shown enough interest in this terrorist attack and that the staff out here employed a "strategy" to keep Big Guy away from the cameras. But that's really giving our press staff and Toes way too much credit. I mean, the reporters out here are having so much fun, they haven't even tried to get Big Guy on camera.

Publish Post

But I do have some news I can break, and it's kind of a bad news, good news kind of thing. First, the bad news: after a long process of review that took him through most of the front nine of his golf game today, Big Guy has decided that Bruno stays on at the Department of Homeland Security, if only so he can have a scapegoat when things really go bad. The good news? He shot a 40 on the front nine; being distracted by work apparently improves his focus.






























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