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Old 05-03-2004, 12:56 PM
Dragon Lady Dragon Lady is offline
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Talking Monday Humor

A WOMAN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil legal thing I could do to him."


DL
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DL
?Whatever else history may say about me when I?m gone, I hope it will record that I appealed to your best hopes, not your worst fears; to your confidence rather than your doubts. My dream is that you will travel the road ahead with liberty?s lamp guiding your steps and opportunity?s arm steadying your way.?
President Ronald Reagan
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  #2  
Old 05-04-2004, 07:05 AM
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SuperScout SuperScout is offline
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Default Tuesday Humor!

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.... But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York....The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo was forever lost....

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery....were disconsolate at the loss....

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day.... The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th.... and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo

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Old 05-04-2004, 07:25 AM
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Keith_Hixson Keith_Hixson is offline
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Post D L & Superscout!

Taking a man's remote is "domestic abuse". D L did you do that to your husband!

Scout, I told you to behave yourself this month and set an example for us all. And, you've already blown it.

Sinko de Mayo - that is bad!

Sounds just like my dumb jokes, I must add this one to my list.

Keith
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Old 05-04-2004, 07:29 AM
Dragon Lady Dragon Lady is offline
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Default

SS,
Oh, groan!
That was a lot of work!

Here's two more for Tuesday Humor....

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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DL
?Whatever else history may say about me when I?m gone, I hope it will record that I appealed to your best hopes, not your worst fears; to your confidence rather than your doubts. My dream is that you will travel the road ahead with liberty?s lamp guiding your steps and opportunity?s arm steadying your way.?
President Ronald Reagan
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  #5  
Old 05-04-2004, 07:59 AM
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SuperScout SuperScout is offline
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Default DL

Ouch!
Keith, guilty as charged!! I throw myself on the mercy of the court!!

Here's another chuckle for you:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
:re:
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Old 05-04-2004, 09:22 AM
Drywall Drywall is offline
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench
> rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk.
> Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
> Man: "Hello?"
>
> Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
> Man: "Yes."
>
> Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's
> only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?"
>
> Man: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much. I want you to be
happy."
>
> Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003

> models. I saw one that I really liked. It's a beautiful silver."
>
> Man: "How much?"
>
> Woman: "$60,000"
>
> Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
> Woman: "Great! Oh, and just one more thing... the house we wanted last

year
> is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
>
> Man: "Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer
$895,000."
>
> Woman: "Okay. Thank you darling -- you're wonderful! I'll see you
later! I
> love you!"
>
> Man: "Bye, I love you too."
>
> The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in
> astonishment.
>
> Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
>
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  #7  
Old 05-04-2004, 10:48 AM
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SuperScout SuperScout is offline
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Default This might be a repeat, but....

...it's the Proverbial Two-Minute Management Lesson:

Subject: Management Lessons!

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

MANAGEMENT LESSON - To be sitting and doing nothing,you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. MANAGEMENT LESSON: Bullshit might get you to the
top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

MANAGEMENT LESSON #3:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

This ends your Two-Minute Management Course.
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"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
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