heh heh heh

[Shortdawg]

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
-Women's restroom,
DeweyBeach, Delaware

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?"
it's..."Hi, how are you?"
-Rest stop off Route 81,
West Virginia


No matter how good she looks, some other guy
is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill,
Chapel Hill, North Carolina


Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
-Women's restroom, The Filling Station,
Bozeman, Montana





A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
-Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort,
Dallas, Texas

No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's,
Beverly Hills, California


Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library, Duke University,
Durham, North Carolina


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Flagstaff, Arizona





If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books,
New York, New York

Don't trust anything that bleeds
for 5 days and doesn't die.
-Men's restroom, Murphy's,
Champaign, Illinois


What are you looking up on the wall for?
The joke is in your hands.
-Men's restroom, Lynagh's,
Lexington, Kentucky


Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal.
It makes them soggy and hard to light.
-The Janitor

[thedrifter]

A Wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa

He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the
dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund
discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm
in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles
down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the
leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now
the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough
to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an
hour ago to bring me another leopard."

SOMETIMES IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH
BULL****!!

[thedrifter]

Banker Joke



A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The account person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The account person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag." The account person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag chock full of green bills with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the account person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?" he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got one hundred thousand dollars right here that says by noon tomorrow, your balls will be square, and I'll even give you four to one odds. You got twenty five thousand dollars you'd be willing to wager on that?" she asks.

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you. There's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shakes the bag, and says, "I know what I'm doing. I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Okay, have it your way," says the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at eleven-fifty-five tomorrow morning," says the little old lady, and with that she leaves.

The next morning at 11:55, the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He's gotten almost no sleep last night, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He has checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing.

When the little old lady arrives, he starts to relax, knowing he has won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" says the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable," says the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!"

"Not so fast!" says the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Okay, you win, here's your hundred grand," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, we had a million dollar bet that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

[thedrifter]

Blind Man In a Restaurant



A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[thedrifter]

Will You Marry Me



The President of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.

After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her: Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a seventy-five carat diamond ring, with a matching two hundred carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers, "No problem! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a one hundred-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a twelve-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman,
"OK. I cut. I cut."

[thedrifter]

Don't Fall Asleep in Church



A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in 6six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"

The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "I f you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"

[thedrifter]

Just an e-mail Note



An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[David]

[thedrifter]

Rooster Race



An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around, and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster.

"And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

The two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[thedrifter]

Generous Offers



John and his wife Mary were having a shower together in their upstairs bathroom when the doorbell rang. Mary heard the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door.

Their neighbor Charlie looked at her from the doorway, and said, "Oh. I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that."

"That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"

Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred dollars, would you remove the towel from your upper body?"

Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not, for a hundred bucks, and removed the towel from her breasts.

"Wow," Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly beautiful. Listen, for another hundred bucks would you consider taking the towel all the way off?"

"Why not," Mary thought, "that's a lot of money," and she dropped the towel completely to the floor.

Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred dollars, gave it to her, and left.

As she got back up stairs and was getting back into the shower, John asked her who was at the door.

"Just Charlie," she said, as she started to rub his back.

"Charlie Eh," said John, "Did he give you the two hundred dollars he owed me?"