heh heh heh - Page 9

Keith_Hixson · #81 09-04-2002, 07:49 AM

Hoyin, you truly are a PK. Keith

Was Basic all that hard?

Dear Ma and Pa,

Am well, hope you are. Tell them there Brothers of mine Walt and Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM, but am getting so I like to sleep in late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things like boots and brass - - - - No hogs to slop, no feed to pitch, no cows to milk, no mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing to do before breakfast. You got to shave, but that isn't too bad in warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between them there city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours will hold you til noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the SGT says are long walks to toughen us up. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mail box at home. Then them city boys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The SGT is like a schoolteacher. He nags some, but cusses a lot more and seems angry most of the time but isn't anything like Old Man Minch. The CAPT. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
The next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's eye is near as big as a squirrel's head and it don't move. And it ain't shoot back at you, like the O'Reilley boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't eve load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure tell Walt and Elmer to hurry up and join before other fellows get onto this set-up and come stampeding in.

Your Loving Son,

Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's new teeth.
The City boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Zeb

sfc_darrel · #82 09-04-2002, 11:44 AM

At least things are not this bad for me.

Joy

thedrifter · #83 09-13-2002, 05:11 AM

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." replied his friend.

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg; then she rolls over and plays dead."

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Two women were chatting when one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"

Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

thedrifter · #84 09-13-2002, 05:11 AM

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a whole lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT: what the endearing little qualities that initially attract people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

thedrifter · #85 09-13-2002, 05:12 AM

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. The husband asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"

"I'm sorry my dear, your name never came up," replied the wife.

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"Oh dear," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised; you've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years."

thedrifter · #86 09-13-2002, 05:13 AM

A young couple was on their honeymoon in New England and decided to stop at a historic graveyard to look around. After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and went at it on a tomb.

The next day, the wife had a back ache from her adventures and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her.

"How old are you my dear" the doctor asked.

"I am 22 replied the wife, why?"

The doctor replied, "Because on your butt it says that you were born in 1778."

thedrifter · #87 09-13-2002, 05:14 AM

A Scottish private walked into the pharmacy near his base, pulled a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asked the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom.

The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one.

The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer."

Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and said, "The regiment has voted to replace."

thedrifter · #88 09-14-2002, 07:04 AM

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the Rabbi.

thedrifter · #89 09-14-2002, 07:04 AM

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Republican," replied the salesman. "Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next vehicle to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him - the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"

thedrifter · #90 09-14-2002, 07:06 AM