How to tell if you?re in a bar or a restaurant

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By DAVE ADDIS, The Virginian-Pilot
? January 11, 2004

I read in yesterday?s paper that the good people who are responsible for regulating rowdy behavior at Virginia Beach nightspots are struggling to figure out the difference between a bar and a restaurant. They need to do this so that they can write tougher liquor laws for bars. But they?re finding it hard to define what differentiates a bar from a restaurant, as bars are required to serve food and many restaurants serve drinks. They?re working on a formula, the story said, that would define a bar as a place that has less than 15 square feet per patron and where drinks are served between midnight and 6 a.m. Good start. The problem is that it would require every college dormitory in town to get a liquor license. (And, in a bygone era, it would have had the same impact on the composing room at the Downtown Font of Knowledge.) I am sometimes accused of taunting government officials without offering solutions to the difficulties they find themselves in. So, as a civic-minded guy, I?d like to pitch in this time and help out. Here, from experience, are some sure-fire ways to figure out if the joint you?re in is a bar or a restaurant: If you?ve been in the room 30 minutes and your shoes are full of beer, it?s a bar.

If your napkin feels like linen, it?s a restaurant. If your napkin feels like the Yellow Pages, it?s a bar.

If an 8-ball flies across the room and lands in your taco salad, it?s a bar. (If the shooter demands to play it from there, it?s probably a bar in Portsmouth.) If you need reservations, it?s a restaurant. If you have reservations about admitting where you were till 2 a.m., it?s a bar. If the floor show involves a baby grand piano, it?s a restaurant. If the floor show involves a garden hose or a large vat of chocolate pudding, it?s a bar. If the patrons in the men?s room believe that all of the porcelain fixtures, including the sink, were put there for the same purpose, it?s a bar. If you can?t recall your waiter?s name, it could be a bar or a restaurant. If you can?t recall the name of the person you went home with, it was a bar. If the waiter challenges your choice of wines, it?s a restaurant. If the waiter challenges you to a fist fight over the Miami-Virginia Tech score, it?s a bar. If the floor crunches when you walk, it?s probably a bar ? unless it?s a restaurant with an ?all-you-can-eat? seafood buffet. If the menu features the word fromage, it?s a restaurant. If the menu features the words ?at your own risk,? it?s a bar. If you are greeted by an elegant woman dressed in Prada, it?s a restaurant. If you are greeted by a topless woman on a trapeze, it?s a bar. If the chef is wearing nicer shoes than you are, it?s a restaurant. If the chef is the shirtless guy who checked your ID at the door, it?s a bar. If a man with a violin strolls through at 11 p.m., it?s a restaurant. If the Shore Patrol strolls through at 11 p.m., it?s a bar. If the waiter recommends a dish made famous in Tuscany, it?s a restaurant. If the waiter recommends a dish made famous in Buffalo, it?s a bar. If there are flames coming from a saucepan, it?s a restaurant. If there are flames coming from your pants pockets, it?s a bar. If the Friday Night Special is advertised as a ?pasta toss,? it?s a restaurant. If the Friday Night Special is advertised as a ?midget toss,? it?s a bar. If your blind date is waving a Nokia, it?s a restaurant. If your blind date is waving a Smith & Wesson, it?s a bar. When the evening ends and a valet named Yves has your car keys, it?s a restaurant. When the evening ends and a tow-truck driver named Spud has your keys, it?s a bar. I hope the city officials find this helpful. If, similarly, they should need to define the difference between a developer and a carnival barker, or the difference between a plan and a scheme, maybe they?ll call.

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Sorry about the way this came out. You'll just have to put your face close to the screen.