MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of
America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the peerless
arsenal of the United States military-industrial complex, do hereby
proclaim December 15, 2003, to be National Victory Over the Guy Who
Isn't Osama Bin Laden Day. Statement by the President

************************************************** **********************

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today I bring news of great consequence
to all the pollsters of the world. Yesterday, December the 13th, at
around 8:30 p.m. Baghdad time, former CIA employee Saddam Hussein was
captured alive. This man, the most powerful, diabolical evildoer ever
to threaten humanity, was found in his hometown of Tikrit, beneath the
dusty lean-to of a long-time supporter. In short, he was exactly where
everyone thought he'd be. And today, I am proud to say that it only
took us just shy of nine months from the day I gave him forty-eight
hours to skedattle or be promptly administered a Texas Lead Enema.

Also as expected, Saddam was found presiding over operations at a
state-of-the-art Weapons of Mass Destruction control panel with a
retractable top, hot babes and heliport * albeit artfully camouflaged
to resemble an unstaffed, vermin-infested hole in the ground. It was
here, from this advanced, zillion dollar terror complex that he
concocted and carefully managed execution of his countless nefarious
schemes * most notably his powerful, intoxicating ability to make us
forget all about the people who were actually behind 9/11 by
impersonating a filthy piece of poor homeless trash. Well that was his
last mistake. Little did he know that this administration is even
quicker at taking down the poor than it is at nabbing evildoers!

Going forward, you will hear a great deal of talk in the news media
about how Saddam did not fight to the death when finally seized by U.S.
forces. You will hear that while he wore a diminutive, dirt-jammed
sidearm, that he never fired a single shot while 600 burly leathernecks
wielding personal howitzers closed in around him. You may wonder about
the fixation on this seemingly irrelevant detail. Well, the reason for
this is simple. This shows that Saddam is a pussy. A pink
panty-wearing, prancing tooty-fruity wimp in a silken negligee, wanting
nothing more than to be taken alive, stripped naked, and repeatedly
subjected to Uncle Sam's notoriously thorough body cavity searches.

(Boos.)

Indeed. But in contrast to Saddam's totally embarrassing pussiness, I
am a total stud * a veritable throbbing veiny staff of alpha-male
triumph. And inasmuch as I am also the embodiment of the United States,
all Americans are today infinitely more studly than they were
yesterday. That is why, in celebration of our astonishing ability to
evict a bewildered 66 year-old from a hole in the ground with only 400+
U.S. casualties, let all Americans follow my personal example, and
demonstrate their patriotism by standing topless in front of a mirror,
gritting their teeth, flexing their muscles and bellowing, "WHO'S THE
FUCKING MAN? I'M THE FUCKING MAN! USA! USA! USA!"

To the people of Iraq, I have a message. You will not have to fear the
rule of Saddam Hussein ever again. Gone are the torture chambers,
secret police, and Baathist corruption. And in their place are Camp
X-Ray, a trigger-happy occupying army, and Halliburton contracts. Sure,
you may still be without electricity, but those dandy car bombs sure
light up the night. Fortunately, you can take heart in knowing that in
the history of Iraq, the sun has risen on a hopeful day, revealing a
gleaming American boot, whose enormous Christian sole you are required
to lick with fevered reverence while your vast oil reserves are quietly
siphoned into American supertankers. And once we've fixed the countless
flaws in your sorry social, political, and religious cultures, we shall
up and nobly sail away on chariots made of clouds, pulled by
white-winged stallions, waving goodbye to all the mustachioed men,
women and children Iraqazoids.

Now if you'll indulge me for just one minute, I'd like to say a few
words directly to Saddam Hussein, whose cell has temporarily outfitted
with a TV just for the occasion. Saddam, you know it's funny * when I
first saw that picture of you, it reminded me of how I looked after a
three-week bender stuck under a chubby little senorita in Guadalajara
until my mother roused us with the cold steel of her Remington pistol.
Anyway, shortly before I decided to kick off my unilateral campaign to
introduce the alleged people of that decrepit armpit of a Texaco
mini-mart you call a country to the uniquely American concept of
FREEDOM®, you granted a final interview to that senile liberal
fruitcake Dan Rather. And when Dan asked you if you were afraid of
being captured or killed, you responded, "whatever happens is the will
of Allah." Well guess what, Sand Monkey? I'M ALLAH! AND FOR TRYING TO
KILL MY DADDY, MY WILL IS TO SEE YOUR ASS FRY LIKE A COLORED HOUSTON
DIME BAG DEALER!
2004 Wall Calendars

Christmas Ornaments

Cool Campaign Gear

Coming to Bookstores Everywhere on 2/3/04
Pre-Order Yours Now @ Amazon, Barnes & Noble or Booksense.com

(Applause.)

Boy, I'll tell ya * there are two people I wouldn¹t want to be right
now: Saddam Hussein and any of the Democratic candidates for President.
Either you¹re a cranky, granola-crapping dove like Howie, or a
overly-sensitive desk commando hawk like Leslie, or even worse * you¹re
the Yankee or the Jew, who were so nutless they voted for my little
rumble in Arabiastan just so they could ride the fence of public
opinion in the event the war failed or succeeded.

Anyhoo, in commemoration of this momentous achievement, a celebration
is in order. Myself, well I made a promise to my DEKE brothers that if
Saddam was captured, I'd crack open a fifty year-old bottle of
Glenfiddich and have my first public funnel since going through the
motions with all that AA nonsense twenty years ago. Unfortunately, not
all Americans have the option to bring in the frat boys and party till
they puke. As such, I am canceling that Martin Lawrence King day thing
and declaring tomorrow to be an all-new Federal Holiday.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of
America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the peerless
arsenal of the United States military-industrial complex, do hereby
proclaim December 15, 2003, to be National Victory Over the Guy Who
Isn't Osama Bin Laden Day.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this fourteenth day of
December, in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ two thousand three, and
of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and
twenty-eighth.


(Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless Me!