Fireworks: America's favorite face-exploding, dog-torturing, bird-murdering way to ce

[The Patriot]

Fireworks: America's favorite face-exploding, dog-torturing, bird-murdering way to celebrate

07-03-2019 05:25 AM

It's almost the Fourth of July, the quintessential American holiday, and because nothing says America! quite like exploding things, it is the holiday of fireworks: glittering bursts over the town square, sparklers in the backyard, roman candles by the lake. It's all fine, patriotic fun - unless you're an emergency room doctor, or the parent of an easily awakened child, or the owner of an anxious dog, or a firefighter, or a bird, or the Consumer Product Safety Commission, which gathers a bunch of government officials, fireworks safety experts and volunteers on the Mall every year for what is surely the most morbid event to ever feature exploding watermelons.


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