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Old 07-10-2003, 05:30 PM
Bernadette Bernadette is offline
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Should bring a few laughs....

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think about this...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect woman against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:31 PM
Bernadette Bernadette is offline
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Dear Dogs,

When I say "move", it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: placing a pawprint in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I can still fall faster that you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry abouth this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and trying to grab the ball through the glass is not helpful. Barking at me because I am not helping you achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie points.

My compact discs are not miniature frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine attendance is not mandatory.

And finally, the proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to make.

The Human
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:33 PM
Bernadette Bernadette is offline
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A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He
then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the
open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if
the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if
the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous - - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and
proceeded to pour them into the jar effectively filling the empty space
between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your
children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else
was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
your car. The sand is everything else - - the small stuff." "If you put
the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the
pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all
your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for
the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical check ups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There
will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party
and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first - - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to
show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room
for a couple of beers!!
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:36 PM
Bernadette Bernadette is offline
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ok so there was more than one good one today.

What Hallmark doesn't print (but they should!):

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire ... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers ... and a box of Depends.

4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don't fret about it ... She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder ... What the hell was I thinking?

6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you ... Have such an ugly baby?

8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life ... I never believed in Hell till I met you.

10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ... that you're not here to ruin it for me.

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

12. Someday I hope to get married ... but not to you.

13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... Almost Lifelike!

14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

15. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

16. We have been friends for a very long time ... what do you say we stop?

17. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.

18. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the! father was?

19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ... I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

20.Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.

21. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama and Mississippi)
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Old 08-19-2003, 09:08 PM
grasshopper grasshopper is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by bernbenjamin Dear Dogs,

When I say "move", it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: placing a pawprint in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I can still fall faster that you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry abouth this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and trying to grab the ball through the glass is not helpful. Barking at me because I am not helping you achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie points.

My compact discs are not miniature frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine attendance is not mandatory.

And finally, the proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to make.

The Human


ROFLMAO!!!!!



you must know my dogs then??????

hahaha!
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