W.C. Fields on : Mae, Women, Children and drink

[kenmar]

On Mae:

• "Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? A handsome lass if there everwas one--and exceptionally well-preserved too."
  
• "A plumber's idea of Cleopatra."
  My Little Chickadee, 1940)

On Women:

• Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
• (Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded ) "Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails."
• I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
• Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."

On Children:

• (When asked : "How do you like children?")........ "Fried!"
• (Fields raises his hand, ready to hit his movie daughter.)
  Mother: "Don't you hit her!"
  WC: "Well, she's not going to say I don't love her!"

On Drink:

• My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies
• Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
• Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?"

WC: "He'd think I was a sissy."

• I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.
• Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
• Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
• I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
• Man: "I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time."

WC: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy."

[janecallanan]

I resemble those remarks!

[Seascamp]

Busted!

I?m a W.C. Fields nut. I love his rules of gulf. The rule I recall is the stolen ball rule. It goes: If a ball is lost in the woods it is a stolen ball as inevitably someone will find it and keep it. Therefore the golfer should not be penalized a shot because someone is going to commit a crime. Makes sense to me.

Scamp

[kenmar]

Scamp, I think I laugh harder each time I watch the Bank Dick... He's definitely a match for good old Mae.

Here's a few more from W.C................

(Fields, reading the Bible on his deathbed.)
"Just looking for loopholes."

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. Fields

[colmurph]

Was a Special Agent with the FBI in the Philadelphia Office.

[kenmar]

Colmurph, maybe you should send him over to Buffalo to check up on Mae's activities.

[janecallanan]

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.
Mae West

[kenmar]

"Cccan't dddo it. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!

[janecallanan]

Send 9 home, I'll keep Ken!

[kenmar]

Ya know don't cha, ....there are times I loose my stutter.